Update from me

[Hazardus01]

Hi all

Here I am after 1am in the morning local time needing to write something even though I know I should call it and go to bed. Recent events have led me to being rather busy so I haven't had a lot of time to come and post but I am trying to keep up with reading the posts that interest me, which is most of them.

My husband is now three weeks into taking hormones and has been taking the T blocker for ten days longer so we are noticing some definite changes. He has noticed that his taste for certain foods is changing and his sense of smell has definitely improved. He is feeling like something is happening with his chest as he talked about a tightening feeling around the nipples and said yesterday for the first time that they are sore, which we expected.

I have no real issues with him changing himself as it's his body and not my job to control him in any way shape or form, but I have issues with the out in public behaviour.  His first time out en femme was for the entire weekend of Easter and I didn't handle it at all well at the time because it's kind of hard to know what my place is when I don't want to be seen holding hands with a woman and I am so used to reaching for his hand to hold it when we go out together.  He also gravitated towards me and hovered around me which I was not comfortable with then and am still not comfortable with as it turns out since we went away for the weekend just gone.

The trip in between to the clinic in Brisbane in April was only the two of us so it was relatively easy to not hold his hand and to know he was untouchable to me as I can't stand the feeling I get when I feel a bra under his clothes.  It makes me sad though as I am losing that closeness that I used to feel when we were out in public.

He dresses in women's clothes at home all the time and only wears male clothes to work and around town when he's going out with me.  We went for a 6hr drive to a friend's house with our youngest child for the weekend and my husband said he was not going to go en femme apart from being "comfortable" on the way up and back.  As it turns out this means he goes dressed completely in women's clothes (a dress both days) with falsies in.  On the way up it felt strange walking around a shopping centre with him dressed like that and being served in restaurants etc. I'm firmly convinced though that he didn't pack any male clothes because on Saturday he was dressed fully in women's clothes all day. It felt really weird for him to be in the same public bathroom as me and I probably ignored him a bit and conversed mostly with our child, who I know is struggling the most with my husband's behaviour and clothing choices.

On the way back I refused to hold his hand when he reached out for my hand in the car and told him I won't hold hands with a woman as it's something I have never done and never plan to do.  He said he wasn't a woman so I said "look in the mirror and tell me what you see".  I really didn't want to be in the car with him for that length of time and nearly chose to ride in the back seat instead of the front due to the way I was feeling but I overrode those feelings of revulsion and rode in the front anyway.  We stopped several times but the only times I got out was to go and eat lunch then dinner that night.

I feel that my husband is in denial about me being serious about not wanting to be with a woman and that he is feminising himself too much for me to handle although he says he isn't doing that deliberately.  In the first place he was in denial about even being transgender until he saw a video of himself dressed in women's swimmers and shorts walking down a sand dune during a beach vehicle recovery.  He was shocked at his own stance and way of holding himself in the video as he wasn't trying to put anything on or play a part or anything he was just being himself.  That video is what decided him to finally do something about taking the hormones in an effort to help with the frustration and anger he feels from being in the wrong body. 

He still thinks after taking hormones for the last three weeks that nothing has to change between us even though I refuse to get intimate with him because it's not as satisfying as it was before the hormones, and I just don't feel any sexual desire at all again, which is where I was at last year after he was diagnosed and then my father passed away suddenly.  The other big thing is that I am not sexually attracted to women or the female form, and I am now seeing that every time we leave the town we live in for a few days he is living pretty much full time as a woman, that it will only be a matter of a short time before he will be out as a woman full time here as well.  Once that happens I cannot hide from it or the looks I will get from people etc and I am not ready for that just yet.  I have told him that if word gets back and people hurt our kids emotionally or bully them as a result of his transition that he will answer to me as he has no right to put them through that, but I honestly don't think he really cares what others think anymore and that he will go ahead with it regardless of how others feel.

All of this makes me sad and only strengthens my resolve to separate once I feel the time is right to do so as I know already that I will not be able to live with this for the rest of my life nor do I want to.  I deserve better than what I am going to be able to get from him no matter how he or I feel about each other, and I should not give in to him as I often have in the past.  I really need to stick to my guns on this one or I will be consumed by him and I can't afford for that to happen as I am an individual in my own right.  I need to know who I am without him just as I feel he needs to know who he is without me by his side.  Quite frankly I would rather be on my own than go on in this relationship to a destiny that I already know will disappoint me as I am already feeling the loss of my relationship with him no matter what he thinks.  I have also told him that its about time I put myself first and concentrated on how I feel about things without taking a back seat to him or anyone else like I have done for many years as a wife and mother.

Best wishes to all who are struggling with things  .  Sometimes we just have to do what feels right for us.

Love
Sandy

[Devlyn]

Big hug! It's difficult for sure.

"I have also told him that its about time I put myself first and concentrated on how I feel about things without taking a back seat to him or anyone else like I have done for many years as a wife and mother."

I think that's important for everyone. I wish all of you the best, no matter which direction this goes.

Hugs, Devlyn

[PrincessButtercup]

Big hugs, Sandy. I completely understand how you feel and where you're coming from; I would be reacting the exact same way with the exception that I would've probably already packed my stuff and left. I truly wish you and your child didn't have to deal with this. I can only imagine how confusing it must be for them.

[Hazardus01]

Devlyn Marie and PrincessButtercup,

Thank you for your hugs as I need them right now.  This morning my husband said that he knew I was upset last night but was waiting for me to talk about what was bothering me. He is scared of losing me and told me so again this morning as he was leaving for work, which only makes me feel even sadder because it tells me that he has no real concept of the impact of his behaviour on me and it feels like emotional blackmail.  I told him I didn't want to get into the car with him on Sunday dressed the way he was and even said he was dressed more like a 20 something than a mid 40s woman.  I also told him I fleetingly wondered if there was some other way our youngest and I could get home without going in the car with him as it was really making me uncomfortable.  At no time during the journey or the two stops where I got out of the car to go and eat did he offer to change to make me feel more comfortable, which is part of his self absorption in that he doesn't really see or care what others are feeling around him unless he hears them making comments about the way he is presenting.

Also if it's affecting me this badly then what are our children feeling?  I have asked the youngest point blank and all they say is that they are into basketball and not actually how they feel, but I think that is just a protective statement as they may not be entirely sure of how they feel.  I know the middle one is struggling with it in some ways so plays loud music and is almost never home apart from night time, and the eldest goes into avoidance mode by staying in their room most of the time.

As to why I haven't packed and left him, well I own the house we are living in and his name is not on it at all so he is the one who will be leaving ultimately not me, and I don't want to do anything hasty at this stage as I don't want him to hate me or me to hate him so I have to tread very carefully.  For me it's all about doing what I perceive to be the right thing no matter what others might see or think as I am the one who has to live with whatever I do and whatever decisions I make if that makes sense.  If it comes down to all three of our teens telling me independently that they don't want him here, then I will ask him to move out as we own another house together that he can move to.

Please know that I am grateful for the ability to put pen to paper as such and share some of these feelings etc with others who understand.

Love
Sandy

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I have read your post and I think you are trying to organize your thoughts to accept a big change in your life that you neither wanted nor asked for. Our sexuality is a very deep and important part of our being and it is okay if that is a dealbreaker for you. It's okay to have boundaries. It's okay to say, no, I can't do this. It's okay to seek a divorce over this, and your spouse has no right to coerce you.

I am worried that you are trying to use your children as a battering ram (as if to convince your spouse not to transition--note, this will not work). Your child is confused about the transition because you and your spouse are delivering conflicting signals about it. Children do NOT like to see their parents fight so this topic will become one of fear for that reason and that reason alone. As for being bullied at school, first of all, that is not the fault of same sex parents, that is the fault of bigots teaching their brats to hate just like mommy and daddy and secondly, societal attitudes in the English speaking world are changing rapidly. Millennial kids in public school just plain don't care if you're LGBTQ. The rules are changing daily. Many kids show up to kindergarten (with heterosexual parents no less) already knowing about Heather Has Two Mommies et al. So, such fears are mostly unfounded, but, if you teach your child that transition is a blow up point of conflict between their parents, they will become sensitive on this topic and it could become a weak point for a bully to exploit later. So please, explain the divorce in more neutral terms. "Sometimes mommies and daddies find out they have to live apart for reasons that are nobody's fault." Explain that you both love them and will continue to have a full relationship with them.

You are a valuable, worthy person and you have every right to terminate your marriage over this. You're an adult and you're entitled to boundaries. You are also a parent and you should focus on handling things with the kids in a developmentally appropriate way so they suffer the least distress. It's okay. It's going to be okay.

PS: remember that trans is a medical condition. Nobody asks to get cancer or MS, either. Medical stuff tests marriages and sometimes it breaks them. That's not anybody's fault.

[Feminator]

I don't know if this will help, but when I was married the first time, I was married to a MTF transwoman. Due to medical problems, she never did any type of surgery and only presented out in public once in a while so for all intensive purposes, my relationship looked heterosexual to society. I also had three children from that union. We ended up divorcing, but not due to her being trans as I am a lesbian. I m now married to a women who is transmasculine a well, and to society we look like a lesbian couple. My kids have suffered not at all from this. They are looked upon as having two same sex parents, and are not 17,19 and 24. So, this was years ago when this change happened and no one bullied them, no one picked on them and no one treated them differently. The school was informed about it and the teachers were so awesome about it.

There are many kids with same sex parents now days so no one really cares. I know this is hard to believe, when you go through it you think your kids will be scared for life. They won't be. I worried to no end but they are all healthy, happy and my youngest has a best friend who also has two Moms so this is not a shocker it was 25 years ago.

Again, I don't know if this will help, but I hope it gives you comfort while you are trying to adjust to the changes in your life. The kids will be alright, it may not seem like it, but if you are ok with it, they will be as well.

[JoanneB]

Seems to me, as you said, it is too much too fast. It has taken my wife many many months to years to get over dropping the T-Bomb (I didn't marry a woman. I like what men have. etc...) The pace and steps I am undertaking are all guided by the needs of the US which is very big factor for my ultimate happiness.

I cannot ask, nor expect, my wife to stay on as my wife if I fully transition. She is not sure one way or another herself. So far this is a net positive for her since I am a far far better and happier person to be with. Better maybe without the B cup but.....

One of the most important things that has kept us together are the very difficult open and honest discussions. For both of us the others happiness is often more important then our own which makes for in interesting mix. Many times during a WTF am I doing meltdown she has flat out told me I cannot stop without seeing how this ultimately plays out. Especially if that stopping is "for her".

You and your child are both along for this unwanted ride. You both are having a difficult time processing the changes and the rapidity of them. People in general like stability. Children especially so. And kids are good at reading emotions of parents.

Sounds to me like the time for a serious talk and compromising is long past due. your shared life trumps "It's his body"