Ya tell yer folks, ya tell yer close friends, emotional talks abound. I expected that, and the energy waxed and waned as the various circles of people were let in on my new journey. I now dress male at work, and the hair has been short since Feb., and even shorter with a guy cut specifically, since mid-March. A few people at work have been very nice about asking me polite questions, which I don't mind answering at all.
But then I came to a point where I had to make a decision. Do I make a public announcement (with an explanation and terminology) on Facebook, and do I leave a post at work? Thoughts included stuff like "I should make it official" and "let's get it out of the way." I wanted to remain in control, and not be caught off guard in the hallway. But then I thought about people that I didn't care about enough to tell, and there was no need to draw my line in their sand. The details don't effect either of us professionally or personally, as they are at a distance away that's comfortable.
But I'm also not coming out as being gay, my marriage is not splitting up (as some people might assume), and I'm not starting hormone therapy or working towards surgery. So what am I coming out about? Some people don't know why I need to talk about it, I am who I am and hey, they get that! But I'm the type of person who likes to throw it all on the table, face it all, lick the wounds, and move on.
And yesterday I was in tears. I have never been so at odds with myself. The push and pull, do I talk about it even more?? Appease and ensure we're all good? Do I back off? A good friend suggested that at this point, that the most important people know, or will know soon in a natural way. I don't need to push through anymore. Anyone who I haven't told yet, well, they have no (she swore) right to my personal information and I don't have to give it to them. My husband agreed, and saw my people-pleasing habit sneaking out. But I'm in a better head-space now than last year, and I had to take a step back.
I knew those initial talks would be difficult, emotional, hurtful at times. I didn't expect to not know when to stop coming out. I don't owe the whole world an explanation. Go figure.
So, I wanted to share my unexpected lesson this week. Sometimes you have to let the bus drive itself.
Happy Tuesday, I'll be around as often as I can.
L~
