Crossdressing after Comming out

[Syrex64]

This is kind of an odd kwerk, and I'd like to know if anyone else feels this way about it. As as gay guy (ftw pre-op) I've always enjoyed seeing guys in cute outfits, particularly corests, girls underwear, and even skimpy dresses. Being gay I never thought anything of this, especially since male laugerie is so plain and uncreative.
However, I've never worn any such garments, neither before or after Comming out as an ftm. This Halloween, Ive been considering doing a silly/sexy costume: a French maid, since my real job is a janitor I was gonna use my disinfectant spray bottle and ugly rainbow duster as accessories and be an MJS maid since many of my friends have also worked for this janitorial company and would get the joke. But... I kinda feel weird about it. If I were post phalloplasty I don't think I'd feel weird about it, especially since it's a joke, but being pre op kind of adds this odd feeling to it.
Has anyone else had this Crossdressing conundrum?

[Syrex64]

I want to clarify, this isn't an insecurity with masculinity, wherein I don't feel comfortable doing more femme activities, it's really a pre opt problem post. It's one of those disphoria things I feel I can't do right until I get surgery, like topping and standing to piss. I know it's perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable doing these things pre op, trying to do them has resulted in disphoria for me, but at the same time I'm impatient to try them. I see all these other transguy who are comfortable and getting pleasure from them pre opt and I get a bit frustrated with myself. Especially when bottom surgery seems so far from my grasp.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We are open about different lifestyles but you are getting into a topic that hasn't been discussed much on this site. It sounds like what you are discussing is drag king and drag queen. We have newly created areas for discussion of this but as of yet there have only been a few posts in the area. In addition, some of what you describe could be some aspects of non binary such as gender fluid or gender queer where it's permissible to mix looks. An example of these might be wearing a dress and a beard at the same time. You will find discussion of this in the non binary section.

It's acceptable to vary from a rigid binary definition and most of us do it. I had surgery 33 years ago but I am far from a stay at home house wife. I still use many of the skills I used as a male but I also enjoy the feminine role. As long as nobody is harmed, do what you feel comfortable with.

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[Syrex64]

Well not exactly. I identify as male one hundred percent. I've never considered identifying as genderqueer. Also the cross dressing I'm talking about I wouldn't consider drag. When I think of drag I think the whole ensemble: make up, earings, female mannerisms. What I'm talking about is a gay guy presenting as male, not trying to act female in any way, wanting to wear female undergarments and skimpy dresses for Halloween and possibly sex but feeling discouraged because I'm pre bottom surgery. Like the purpose of the outfit would be to be sexy, but it's undercut because I don't have the package to back it up. I wonder if any other male identified transmen have such issues.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Syrex, I know exactly what you mean, and I think that's pretty cool as well. Some people would call that genderqueer and some wouldn't. I have a friend who is non binary and identifies as genderqueer and to hir, I think genderqueer means expressing mixed sex characteristics, not just changing clothing.

I have some of the same relationship towards clothes that you do (even though I'm "straight"--I came up through the gay community and was exposed to gay male expressions of femininity). My advise would be to listen to those feelings of dysphoria and don't make yourself feel uncomfortable. What you could do is dress up for a safe event, like a party with your friends, but don't feel pressure to wear that costume all day. There have been times I pushed myself, like at anime cons, but I could only take it for a few minutes or hours and had to change. The weird thing is, I actually lasted longer in a complete costume where someone did makeup on me (and trust me, I felt weird about that makeup) than I did in a halfassed dress. Maybe in that case because the character I was dressed up as was described as having both a male and female soul by the mangaka.

It's okay to push yourself, but don't push yourself to where you have a melt down. And have fun.

[Syrex64]

That's some good advice, I appreciate it :3 My bf just told me we're going to the Omaha zoo for my birthday and getting a hotel so we can spend the whole day exploring the zoo, so I'm thinking I'll take one of my outfits and see how it feels.

[sparrow]

Oh god yes.  This might sound different... but it's weirdly not.

I was assigned male at birth, and I don't really identify as a woman.  My compromise is that I primarily dress like a woman, and primarily talk and act like a man.  I wore very risque costume to a friend's party, as Frank n' Furter in drag.  I referred to it as a double-cross outfit: dressed like a cross-dressing man.  It was a multi-level pun on the theme of the event, so once I had the idea I just couldn't let it go.  It was a huge commitment and I was terrified and uncomfortable... but I did it.  And it was fun.

I've been on HRT for about 6 months now, and I'm finally to the point where I'm almost comfortable looking in the mirror while I'm naked.  I'm back to going out in drag -- by which I mean, I occasionally wear masculine outfits.  One of my favorite outfits is a dress that looks like a button-down shirt, with a necktie and a blazer.  If I owned a pair of oxford shoes whose color matched the necktie, I'd have worn them... but good luck finding size 11W oxfords in red.  The shoe industry seems to think that big girls are only allowed to wear black and white shoes. 

This makes sense to me.  The desire to present as a certain gender is independent of gender.  Some transgender people like to cross-dress before and after transition, some only cross-dress before, others only cross-dress after... and some want none of either -- I recall reading a post on Susan's about a woman who never dressed as such until she was healed up from GCS.  Humanity is so neat.

[Jonathan L]

I wonder, since you seem to have a lot of bottom dysphoria, if packing while wearing one of your sexy outfits would help?

[FtMitch]

I understand your dysphoria, but I know plenty of straight men who do just what you are talking about (dress "sissy" for a purpose other than being feminine--usually for sexual reasons but also for humor sometimes), so I definitely agree that this kind of crossdressing does not necessarily make you non-binary or genderqueer or anything other than what you already declare as it is not necessarily connected to gender issues.  Sometimes it's just for the fun of it that we do this stuff.  It kind of has to be up to you whether or not you do it pre-op.  Only you can decide what causes you dysphoria.  But know that plenty of men do it, even men who are neither trans or gay, so don't feel weird about the idea.

[Syrex64]

Sparrow- I know what you mean, finding knee high lace up boots is the same for me. One day the right shoes will come along!

Jonathan L- I have tried packers with my normal clothing; they dont do much for me. When I wear one I cant help but constantly think it's not real. My boyfriend doesnt appreciate them either. My 7in one (from when I heard that in phallo the phallus wouldnt get smaller when flaccid but you could pick your size, lol) is currently attached via a string to a pair of mannequin legs with a lamp on top in our livingroom ie how seriously my bf takes packers. My 4in one, got an even worse reaction though, being called disappointing because it looked real but then when the underwear came off.. you know... even though he already knew I was pre opt trans beforehand.

FtMitch- I totally get that, my bf used to do that and he still follows a page on facebook thats nothing but cis guys dressing that way and posting pics. and youre right, I just gotta let go of that feeling that what I wear has anything to do with being ftm. It's just a costume after all.