How do you quell your anger.

[DawnOday]

I've been crossdressing since I was seven. I never started it on my own, Good ole Mom took care of that for me. She would dress me up. Tell me how cute I was. I enjoyed the praise.

Over the years of secretly hiding my true identity I built a wall about me. One that after 60 some years is starting to crumble. For years I was filled with rage. Rage that God wouldn't answer my prayers. Rage against my Mother. Rage because I had a hard time making male friends as I had a hard time with being macho prefered jacks and hop scotch to kickball.  Even at work I was always trying to find consensus rather than let my ego dictate our course.  Today my best  friends are women. I get along with them and they get along with me.

I am slowly but surely working against the rage, the depression, the fear. I am not this person I had become. I'm about hugs, encouragement, with a can do spirit and a little design sense thrown in. I still fight the urge to rage somedays I win some days I lose but I will Never stop trying. I also think I have a young spirit. But most days you can't see it because I am so closed off.

Anyone else with a similar experience? How do you handle it. If I were to go hrt would that make it better or worse? I so just want to be normal and normal would be to wake in the morning, doing my hair and makeup, pick out a nice business outfit. Get some comfortable shoes, ok maybe some terrible but cute shoes, come home to a loving family and just be the best mom I can be. Go to bed, perhaps be intimate and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

The anti depressants have helped some but no matter how drug induced I can't see myself just accepting not caring about anything.

[Laura_7]

With hrt its possible memory of a few things is not as intense.

Imo changing the attitude should help.
You might try to write it all off and forget it. There is no use in what ifs.
I'd say if there were lessons learned try to memorize them ... like standig up for yourself if necessary.
Then let it go, and forget it.
Otherwise imo its no use and simply holds you back.

You may also realize it was completely different times then.
The last years things have changed on a larger scale imo, also with the internet.
Information and support is imo much better to come by now.
And sentiment was different then.

I'd say try to look forwards, and try to be happy.
Try to be yourself without old attachments.


hugs

[SueNZ]

I've been crossdressing since I was seven. I never started it on my own, Good ole Mom took care of that for me. She would dress me up. Tell me how cute I was. I enjoyed the praise.

Over the years of secretly hiding my true identity I built a wall about me. One that after 60 some years is starting to crumble. For years I was filled with rage. Rage that God wouldn't answer my prayers. Rage against my Mother. Rage because I had a hard time making male friends as I had a hard time with being macho prefered jacks and hop scotch to kickball.  Even at work I was always trying to find consensus rather than let my ego dictate our course.  Today my best  friends are women. I get along with them and they get along with me.

I am slowly but surely working against the rage, the depression, the fear. I am not this person I had become. I'm about hugs, encouragement, with a can do spirit and a little design sense thrown in. I still fight the urge to rage somedays I win some days I lose but I will Never stop trying. I also think I have a young spirit. But most days you can't see it because I am so closed off.

Anyone else with a similar experience? How do you handle it. If I were to go hrt would that make it better or worse? I so just want to be normal and normal would be to wake in the morning, doing my hair and makeup, pick out a nice business outfit. Get some comfortable shoes, ok maybe some terrible but cute shoes, come home to a loving family and just be the best mom I can be. Go to bed, perhaps be intimate and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

The anti depressants have helped some but no matter how drug induced I can't see myself just accepting not caring about anything.

Hi Dawn,
I feel the anger sometimes is from the wasted years of not being able to be me.
I tried to come out to my wife when I was in my mid twenties and it was at a little over 20 years later I have been able to start being me.
This makes me angry when I look back and it hurts that my best times have passed.
I am lucky that for me the anger is controlled as I learnt years ago that I need to let that part go. I was once incredibly angry for a year and almost destroyed what I had built in my life, and when a friend pointed this out I took stock of where I was at. The anger was not fixing anything but more to the fact it was wrecking my life. I was destroying me by holding on and not letting go.
When I feel I am angry now I stop, think and ask myself what is the toll on my life from this and is it worth it.
You are a beautiful person Dawn and its time to live that persons life. Enjoy being Dawn whenever you can.
Hugs
Sue

[DawnOday]

Hi Dawn,
I feel the anger sometimes is from the wasted years of not being able to be me.
I tried to come out to my wife when I was in my mid twenties and it was at a little over 20 years later I have been able to start being me.
This makes me angry when I look back and it hurts that my best times have passed.
I am lucky that for me the anger is controlled as I learnt years ago that I need to let that part go. I was once incredibly angry for a year and almost destroyed what I had built in my life, and when a friend pointed this out I took stock of where I was at. The anger was not fixing anything but more to the fact it was wrecking my life. I was destroying me by holding on and not letting go.
When I feel I am angry now I stop, think and ask myself what is the toll on my life from this and is it worth it.
You are a beautiful person Dawn and its time to live that persons life. Enjoy being Dawn whenever you can.
Hugs
Sue

With hrt its possible memory of a few things is not as intense.

Imo changing the attitude should help.
You might try to write it all off and forget it. There is no use in what ifs.
I'd say if there were lessons learned try to memorize them ... like standig up for yourself if necessary.
Then let it go, and forget it.
Otherwise imo its no use and simply holds you back.

You may also realize it was completely different times then.
The last years things have changed on a larger scale imo, also with the internet.
Information and support is imo much better to come by now.
And sentiment was different then.

I'd say try to look forwards, and try to be happy.
Try to be yourself without old attachments.


hugs

I wished it was that easy, to just let go. That seems the cowards way. I know my indecision has caused much pain to my loved ones. especially my wife. I have not been able to give her all the attention she deserves. Make a business decision, not a moments hesitation once I decide the course of action, and I never let up. But I allowed this to beat me up all these years. Thanks to all the wonderful people on this site, I am starting to come around. Six months from now I will be a new me. I tell you. It's not easy being me.

[Deborah]

Yes.  I used to feel exactly the same.  My rage could build to a nearly uncontrollable crescendo.  I would begin destroying things, once ripping a door off its hinges and throwing it down the hallway.  Fortunately, this did not extend to physical abuse although it did get to verbal abuse of my wife at times.

HRT seems to have fixed it.  I believe it's because it addressed the underlying cause of why I felt depressed and why I could lose myself in uncontrollable rage.  Nothing else I tried ever fixed it for more than a very short while.


Sapere Aude

[DawnOday]

Yes.  I used to feel exactly the same.  My rage could build to a nearly uncontrollable crescendo.  I would begin destroying things, once ripping a door off its hinges and throwing it down the hallway.  Fortunately, this did not extend to physical abuse although it did get to verbal abuse of my wife at times.

HRT seems to have fixed it.  I believe it's because it addressed the underlying cause of why I felt depressed and why I could lose myself in uncontrollable rage.  Nothing else I tried ever fixed it for more than a very short while.


Sapere Aude

I've never physically abused my wife but I have abused her mentally. I have ignored her. Cheated on her. I have to have the last word. I love to argue because it's the only thing I win at. Yet there she is telling me she understands and we will get through this, just as we've gotten over a lifetime of trials and tribulations. I am so blessed and yet I feel I will never be able to make it right with her.  I just know I'm supposed to be someone else. Thanks for listening.

[LizK]

I've been crossdressing since I was seven. I never started it on my own, Good ole Mom took care of that for me. She would dress me up. Tell me how cute I was. I enjoyed the praise.

Over the years of secretly hiding my true identity I built a wall about me. One that after 60 some years is starting to crumble. For years I was filled with rage. Rage that God wouldn't answer my prayers. Rage against my Mother. Rage because I had a hard time making male friends as I had a hard time with being macho prefered jacks and hop scotch to kickball.  Even at work I was always trying to find consensus rather than let my ego dictate our course.  Today my best  friends are women. I get along with them and they get along with me.

I am slowly but surely working against the rage, the depression, the fear. I am not this person I had become. I'm about hugs, encouragement, with a can do spirit and a little design sense thrown in. I still fight the urge to rage somedays I win some days I lose but I will Never stop trying. I also think I have a young spirit. But most days you can't see it because I am so closed off.

Anyone else with a similar experience? How do you handle it. If I were to go hrt would that make it better or worse? I so just want to be normal and normal would be to wake in the morning, doing my hair and makeup, pick out a nice business outfit. Get some comfortable shoes, ok maybe some terrible but cute shoes, come home to a loving family and just be the best mom I can be. Go to bed, perhaps be intimate and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.

The anti depressants have helped some but no matter how drug induced I can't see myself just accepting not caring about anything.

I was talking to my wife the other day about this...I have only been on HRT for only a short time but that in combination of knowing I am going forward and actively transitioning has helped me heaps. In the last 3 weeks I have not gone to that place which I am sure you know "screw everything and everyone, all guns blazing, dam the torpedoes full steam ahead, everyone gets a spray and dam the consequences"

My anger is starting to dissipate as I work through each thing. Such as, anger over all the misery, anger at my parents for not knowing, anger at my first therapist for not helping, anger because I am angry and the list goes on but I have noticed that my mood has changed slightly since starting HRT...nothing dramatic just subtle...for me however, that need to "go to the wall" more recently just seems to dissipate before I get to it. I think the HRT plays a very minor role at this starting dose and it has more to do with accomplishing a couple of my goals that seems to curb the extreme.

I suspect if you have things you are angry about then you may need to find a way of moving past them. Easier said than done, I no longer hold any anger towards my parents or the previous therapist. Its pointless I can't change what happened but I can stop it from interfering with my life now.

Good Luck

Liz K 

[Deborah]

I've never physically abused my wife but I have abused her mentally. I have ignored her. Cheated on her. I have to have the last word. I love to argue because it's the only thing I win at. Yet there she is telling me she understands and we will get through this, just as we've gotten over a lifetime of trials and tribulations. I am so blessed and yet I feel I will never be able to make it right with her.  I just know I'm supposed to be someone else. Thanks for listening.

I made a very similar confession here a few months ago.  In the year before I finally went to see a therapist and start HRT it had gotten really bad.  I too realize that those things cannot be made right.

For me, after starting HRT it was like a switch was flipped.  What had been a nearly everyday occurrence with sarcasm and mean words has happened now only once in the past 15 months.  I didn't become a different person but the constant dysphoric hum, stress, and depression virtually disappeared very quickly.  Things are good now.

While the badness of the past cannot be erased the goodness of the future can be created.


Sapere Aude

[cheryl reeves]

My rage in my youth mainly stemed from having few friends, it was hard making guy friends for in the end they thought it was a good idea to fight me,which wound up being a bad idea. See I got quietly strong by working alot with my dad,i never bulked up,but at 14yrs I could pick up 250 in one hand and chunk it. I had and still have rage I just deal with it differently these days..

[DawnOday]

My rage in my youth mainly stemed from having few friends, it was hard making guy friends for in the end they thought it was a good idea to fight me,which wound up being a bad idea. See I got quietly strong by working alot with my dad,i never bulked up,but at 14yrs I could pick up 250 in one hand and chunk it. I had and still have rage I just deal with it differently these days..

How funny you say that. My Dad was a Public Works Supervisor for the City of LA. A roofer by trade. On the weekends he would pick up jobs and I would go along to help. 90# felt is just that. I got strong and wiry but not muscular either I remember working with my Brother in Law at Northrop. I was a schmuck and I could not take too much more of his schmuckyness. So I lifted him up and tried to throw him out the third story window.

[cindianna_jones]

I have quite the opposite problem. I find it nearly impossible to express anger. I sort of feel numb all the time.

[Deborah]

I never got all that strong but I never had to fight either after age 13.  I learned people skills and learned to either avoid or control the situation.


Sapere Aude

[chris.deee]

I made a very similar confession here a few months ago.  In the year before I finally went to see a therapist and start HRT it had gotten really bad.  I too realize that those things cannot be made right.

For me, after starting HRT it was like a switch was flipped.  What had been a nearly everyday occurrence with sarcasm and mean words has happened now only once in the past 15 months.  I didn't become a different person but the constant dysphoric hum, stress, and depression virtually disappeared very quickly.  Things are good now.

While the badness of the past cannot be erased the goodness of the future can be created.


Sapere Aude

What a nice post. I'm so happy for you - nice to hear so much hope. 

[Gendermutt]

I have never experienced a rage that made me lash out at others. I did however have a lot of anger at myself for many years, and I suppose of "God" for making me this way, or not answering prayers to change me. I used to beat myself up a lot, feeling like a failure to not be able to rid myself of my desires to dress, fantasies about being a woman. Not being a macho manly man. Self acceptance has helped me considerably, along with now being sober.

[Kerry30Den]

I had anger issues as a kid but I learned to recognize the build up and remove myself from the situation for a bit.  I used to feel resentment about my dressing.  For many years I felt cursed and couldn't understand why god or the universe did this to me.  I didn't want to be a girl, but I didn't know why I felt compelled to dress no matter how much I tried to suppress it. I felt alone and like a freak of nature... who'd want to be with a cross dressing freak?  A life of hiding wasn't appealing.

Finding the internet and finding others helped.  Finding others going through the same thing helped me realize I wasn't a freak.  As I came to accept myself I finally began to love myself for who I am.  This cost me a relationship but I was determined to be me; and better off for the changes in me.  Finding the love of my life later (that accepts me for who I am) helped remove all sense of guilt and shame about my dressing.  When the woman you love looks at you with love regardless of how you are dressed it's pretty tough to feel self pity and that you got a horrible hand dealt in life.

Sometimes I feel like my friends and family don't really know me.  They know the pieces I show them and only a few people know all of me.  If there's any resentment its that I don't feel like I can be totally open with everyone but this isn't a major source of angst in my life anymore.

[cheryl reeves]

I tried that routine removing myself from a situation,didn't work for bullies always found me and thought it was a good idea to bully me,they all soon learned I could go from happy go lucky to Mr bad in a second, what confused em was when I started purring and bouncing on the balls of my feet, they soon learned this was psyching myself up to take the punch and from their they found it was a bad idea to hit me or bully me. In high school I was sent home alot for defending myself, the school staff was afraid of me when I was on a adrenaline high and found it was easier to send me home for 3 days. I was forced to see a shrink for 3 yrs and never talked much,just sat for my he and left,one day the shrink asked me why I kept coming to him of I was going to talk,it was at that point I quit going. The reason I dislike shrinks is because they wanted to drug me and I wasn't having any of that. To this day I can't stand bullies and bullies can't stand me so they leave me alone. I remember when I was 23 and just moved to N.O. La. and found a day labor service in a rough part of town,I soon learned the first one their gets the good jobs,well I got their at 5 and they didn't open til 7am and was dosing with my back to the door and 2 blk men approached me and asked of I was afraid,told am what do I have too fear and they said I should be afraid. I pointed to my car and told em I had a Ford 4fly in the trunk and if I could lift the motor into my trunk I shouldn't be afraid of anyone, they didn't believe me til I popped the trunk, they seen the motor and told me to go back to my spot by the door and they would keep an eye on me..what freaks people out is I don't have muscle mass,i'm bone strong. I used to use examples to persuade bullies it was a bad idea to messs with this feminine guy. Nowadays I don't get to mad when I feel it coming on I put something feminine on and it calms me down.