Things got ugly at work today.

[Stevie]

 I don't why this is happening now I have been out at work for a year and half with no problems. This morning I went over to a co-workers bench to give them some test data he looked up at me and said " what do need sir" I asked to please not to call me that to which he responded "what would you like me to call you?" I said you can call me ma'am , Stephanie or Steph, he said "no" to which I said would you like me to show you my drivers license he said in a very belligerent tone "I don't care" I sighed and gave him the data  and walked away I didn't want it to escalate any further. I talked with our HR person about what happened or HR person is someone I came out to a few years ago when we both worked for a different company, she  has always been very supportive. I was very upset by this as work had always been a place I felt safe, I told HR not to take any action on it right now as I didn't want to upset things at work, as I was too upset to think clearly I was in tears when I was talking with her. I am going to talk with her tomorrow about what action to take. 
The place I work has under twenty people and we have all worked together for years. I really don't want this to get ugly and divisive but he has done that. All this happened this morning and I am still upset by it, I just cant see a good outcome in this. I dont want him to lose his job and I don't want to take legal action, but it may come to that. We are such a small group that I am afraid its going to be very divisive. Even it does get resolved without that happening it will still be there in the background, why the hell did he do this? I never wanted it to be this way I hate confrontation.
     

[stephaniec]

he chose his path and obviously he knows the consequences , so whatever his reasons it's not your fault and you have an absolute legal right for your own human dignity. He's an adult and responsible knowingly for his actions.

[Stevie]

he chose his path and obviously he knows the consequences , so whatever his reasons it's not your fault and you have an absolute legal right for your own human dignity. He's an adult and responsible knowingly for his actions.

I live in California so yes the law is on my side, I would would like to find an amicable solution though I don't think it will end that way.  I know he has a wife and kids and its not their fault that he did this and they could be adversely affected by the outcome.  Yet I can't let this go as it will only get worse if I do.

[Dena]

I think this is beyond your ability to fix. Seeing your feelings, I would suggest you have a talk with HR and tell them you would like to give him another chance. HR should explain the facts of life to him and warn him that he is on probation. Then for the next few days, you should keep your distance giving him time to think it over.

He should be made to understand that he doesn't need to be friends with you as this is a business relationship. He only needs to be civil with you and work with you when required.

It may not solve the problem but it will be his decision where he wants to go with this and your hands will be clean.

[Ellement_of_Freedom]

That is absolutely disgusting and completely unacceptable in a workplace. You may feel guilty but if you don't nip it in the bud and make an example of it, it's not going to help other trans people in the workplace. I know you would feel bad for him if he lost his job, but I ask would you feel bad if he went on to abuse other trans people? It must be stomped out - so other transphobic people get the message too. If we let things slide it only makes the future more difficult.

he chose his path and obviously he knows the consequences , so whatever his reasons it's not your fault and you have an absolute legal right for your own human dignity. He's an adult and responsible knowingly for his actions.

EXACTLY!

[Peep]

Petty, rude and childish behaviour isn't usually considered professional, why should it be allowed in this case? What would happen if your cis coworkers started calling each other names? Workplace bullying is workplace bullying, don't let people pretend it's ' just their opinion'.

[Deborah]

He has chosen the mountain he wants to die on.  Let him face whatever consequences that result.  His actions are not your doing and you shouldn't feel any guilt for whatever happens.


Sapere Aude

[Stevie]

 I am going to have HR talk with him today. It really seems that people are treating me differently since all this restroom nonsense flared up.

[stephaniec]

yea, it's weird ,we didn't really exist until some politician decided humanity would be better off without us. I mean I'm 64 and it took at least 64 years for someone to notice that a transgender has the same need to pee as everyone else.

[Stevie]

 I talked to my friend in HR today. What I have decided to do is talk with my manger when he gets back from a trade show tomorrow. I want to have a talk with my manager HR and  the co-worker together, I am really trying to find a way to work through this that will correct his behavior without it getting out of control. I don't care if he uses any pronouns, I have a name he can use it. There are only 16 people where I work and we have all known each other for years which makes this harder.  I know it may seem I am being too nice to to this guy, but its just how I am.

[Emileeeee]

It really doesn't seem like you're being too nice to me. I've worked in small companies like that and an issue like that runs through the rumor mill as fast as it would in a small town. I think it's a good decision to discuss it with HR, management, and him at the same time. He may feel like nothing's going to happen to him. After that discussion it should be pretty clear to him that he's on thin ice.

I have a couple coworkers that give me the evil eye when they see me, but they still use my name and treat me like any other coworker to get the job done. What happens when I'm not there? Who knows. I don't even care.

[SueNZ]

I talked to my friend in HR today. What I have decided to do is talk with my manger when he gets back from a trade show tomorrow. I want to have a talk with my manager HR and  the co-worker together, I am really trying to find a way to work through this that will correct his behavior without it getting out of control. I don't care if he uses any pronouns, I have a name he can use it. There are only 16 people where I work and we have all known each other for years which makes this harder.  I know it may seem I am being too nice to to this guy, but its just how I am.

Hi Steph,
I think you are doing the right thing by organising a full sit down.
I employ approx. the same number of people and when one on one contact does not work then it is best to get all the affected parties together.
Doing nothing is not an option as it means you have accepted what has happened and in my experience this is when the escalation happens.
Staying calm, civil and professional is always the best way of getting a good outcome. If this other person loses their cool or adds to their already shaky position then that is their problem. You have a right to work in a work place without fear of bullying or feeling intimidated.
I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing the outcome.
Cheers
Sue

[warlockmaker]

He knows you are transgender and knows calling you sir upsets you. Sometimes people say things due to family problems or just a bad day . If this is the first time then make sure it's the last time.  Sitting down with him and your manager is what you should do. I'm the boss of my company, no one dares say anything as I have made it clear that they will be terminated.

[CarlyMcx]

I did not become  a lawyer because I wanted to "be a lawyer."  I got picked on so much as a child that by the time I finished college I knew the only way I was ever going to have a decent life was if I really knew how to hurt people.  And that was living as a small man constantly trying to butch up and hide his "feminine side."

One thing I learned by the seventh grade was that bullies are like lions going after a herd of antelope.  Show them the horns, and they slink off and look for easier prey.  And if you use the horns and gore one of them bloody, the rest of them learn the lesson and they all leave you alone.

The sad truth is, after transition, I see just as many battles in my future as I have had in the past.

Just my opinion, but if you want everyone at work back to behaving themselves, you need to get legal and put a hurt on this guy.

[Stevie]

 My friend in HR had a medical emergency in her family and had to leave, and she is our entire HR dept.  My manger wont be here tomorrow either and my co-worker left early for the long weekend. Looks like we will not be able talk till Tuesday I think that is too long to let it go.   
  Most of the cis people I have talked to about it think I am over reacting and say I have to see it from their perspective and how hard it is for them to get it right since they  have known me so long, I have to explain to them there is a big difference between a mistake and what he did. What they fail to understand is I spent 50 years of my life trying to live by their perspective and it nearly killed me. I am a very empathetic and I think some people perceive that as a weakness to be used against me.
Steph

[RobynD]

You are exactly right. He willfully committed a wrong and then reinforced it. He deserves the negative consequences that come.

[Amato]

Sounds like your co worker needs a whooping. Best of luck to you, and Im really sorry you have to go through this. I think for your sake you should show this guy no mercy.

[FTMax]

What may also be a good idea if you're concerned about this potentially becoming a larger issue with all the bathroom nonsense going on, is ask HR if they will conduct a diversity/inclusivity training session with the whole staff (not necessarily focused just on trans folks, could include other types of identity like race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, etc. - there are plenty of workshop ideas out there that include everything like that). It shows that management wants to foster a positive working community and that disrespect is not tolerated among coworkers.

He's a grown man who made his choice, he should have to bear the consequences of it. My worry would be if your sit down goes poorly and he decides to mouth off to other coworkers. I think doing some kind of office-wide training to preempt that kind of behavior would be a good move.

[SueNZ]

What may also be a good idea if you're concerned about this potentially becoming a larger issue with all the bathroom nonsense going on, is ask HR if they will conduct a diversity/inclusivity training session with the whole staff (not necessarily focused just on trans folks, could include other types of identity like race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, etc. - there are plenty of workshop ideas out there that include everything like that). It shows that management wants to foster a positive working community and that disrespect is not tolerated among coworkers.

He's a grown man who made his choice, he should have to bear the consequences of it. My worry would be if your sit down goes poorly and he decides to mouth off to other coworkers. I think doing some kind of office-wide training to preempt that kind of behaviour would be a good move.

Hi Steph,
While I agree with training to help things further down the track, the issue your co worker created needs to be addressed.
If this person nuts off or tries to make things worse then they will go through a process that could end up in them not being employed. That will be their choice. You will probably never get along with this person on a personal level but they need to be professional in the work place and if they cant they need to move on.
You are not overreacting at all as this is a personal attack. Since your other co workers are not in your position they will never understand.
Enjoy your long weekend, don't let your thoughts affect your time off and worry about this next week.

[HappyMoni]

Unfortunately, our issue (living transgender) is now front and center of the political races. Politics in this country is something that people can't even talk about now without hurt feelings happening. I think we are going to see a lot more of this. It is an easy thing to focus people's anger at. You never had an issue with this guy before and now ... boom! I bet that is where this guy's head is at. I hope you deal with this situation in a way that is best for you. Sorry you are going through it.
Moni