Trying to Come Out at Work

[Jonathan L]

So I emailed the HR at my work May 12th saying I wanted to talk to someone about a confidential personal issue and never heard back. I know they get my emails because I've emailed them when applying to jobs in the library system and have gotten a response. So I called them yesterday and left a message and still haven't heard back. I guess I'm just getting nervous that I'm not going to be able to get ahold of anyone and I was hoping they would help me come out to my boss and coworkers. And at the same time I'm worrying that my voice is going to start dropping and people at work will wonder what's going on (I've been on T 5 weeks). Any advice?

[Emileeeee]

I flat out told HR in an email (because I telecommute) that I was going to transition and didn't hear from them for 2 weeks. It wasn't until I told my boss and let him know that I already spoke with HR that they finally got back to me. Is it possible for you to just drop by so they can't ignore you?

For me, they might not have taken it seriously. The coworkers I told first all thought my account got hacked.

[Jonathan L]

I flat out told HR in an email (because I telecommute) that I was going to transition and didn't hear from them for 2 weeks. It wasn't until I told my boss and let him know that I already spoke with HR that they finally got back to me. Is it possible for you to just drop by so they can't ignore you?

For me, they might not have taken it seriously. The coworkers I told first all thought my account got hacked.

Wow, I hadn't thought of the possibility that someone might think my account got hacked! I wonder if they're having a similar reaction. Although I didn't actually say anything about being trans. Maybe the vagueness just wasn't getting their attention. Anyway, I could go there, but they're in another building so I thought it would be weird to drop in unannounced but I guess if they leave me know choice...Sigh...

[Dex]

Would you feel comfortable talking to your boss?  I told my boss (and the boss above her) about my plans before I told anyone else. I needed to know before I started if my job was secure with them (I have a good relationship with both) and if there were any corporate policies that I needed to be aware of (I work for a Catholic healthcare system so I needed to be sure I wasn't automatically out of a job).  The higher level boss offered to reach out to HR for me and helped me coordinate with someone there.  It ended up working out fine, and I have been met with nothing but support and acceptance from both my staff, leadership, and the system as a whole. Which was somewhat surprising... I expected some resistance but was pleasantly surprised.

If you aren't getting answers from HR, one of your leaders may be able to help you coordinate. That is very dependent on your relationship with your leadership, though.

[FTMax]

Print out your email and walk it over. I know it's a daunting conversation to have in person, but it's actually pretty easy with HR folks. Just let them know what's up, what you want to do, and when. That is really all they will need from you to start doing things on their end.

I suppose you could write a second email saying as much, but IMO it is easier to just wander over and make sure you are heard.

[Jonathan L]

Would you feel comfortable talking to your boss?

Unfortunately, I've had some issues with my boss on other subjects so I don't really feel comfortable having him be the main person I go to. I mean, obviously he's going to have to know, but I was really hoping HR would be there to back me when that happened.

Well, I got a call back from them yesterday saying they had responded to my email but it looks like I never got the response. Weird. Anyway, they gave me the number of an HR person to talk to but she wasn't in so now we're playing phone tag.

Print out your email and walk it over.

I guess I should do that at this point!

[CrysC]

My company has some guidelines.  I went and talked to HR in person and then went and chatted with my boss and his boss in one go.  We have some odd policy about the company being notified 3 months before transition starts.  I notified the teams I work with 2 weeks before going full time in person and then over email to the larger organization. 

Everybody was very supportive until day 1 and then they were a bit shocked.  They didn't expect it to see a different person where I used to be.  It took them a while to get used to it.  Make sure you are understanding, have a great sense of humor and you have to be the person that reaches out to others to make them feel it's okay.  You can't wait for them to approach you. 

My advice is, don't do this in email.  Walk over and talk to HR.  It's too important.  Then have a meeting with your boss and determine next steps that work for everybody.  Plan on when you will tell the people you work with and when you will go full time.  Give some time in between those dates so they can essentially say goodbye.  The you will be is not the you that you are.  At least, from the eyes of others... 

Good luck!

[Rebecca]

I'm a bad example but I tried to arrange a chat with my boss but he couldn't make it until the next day (nothing personal he was just busy) and I was just dying to have it done.

So I emailed him a preview of my email to all and within 5 mins he called me on my mobile laughing (in a good way) saying no problem at all and green lighted my email.

Sent email to all then kinda froze thinking "OMG what have I done" "What if....." etc. Within a few mins lovely email replies were coming back saying things like brave, well done, we're all behind you.

With each email back the burden of fear lessened. Great day

Depending on your own work though there my be varying policies that could be used against you. As suggested above best to print it and walk it over to be sure.

Best of luck and hope it all goes well

[Emileeeee]

Sent email to all then kinda froze thinking "OMG what have I done" "What if....." etc. Within a few mins lovely email replies were coming back saying things like brave, well done, we're all behind you.

I was hyperventilating after I sent the initial email to HR, my first contact. Two weeks later I sent an IM to my boss and asked if he had time to chat, freaking out that I did that once again. About 5 seconds later he said yes and after I started breathing again, I asked if he could take a call and I told him. He said, "OK. Does this affect your job?" I said, "Nope." He said, "OK."

When the announcement time came, they had me show up to the office physically, scared to death once again. At the team-wide meeting, they introduced me to the team I had been working with since 2009 as a new hire.

[Rebecca]

That must have been totally nerve wracking especially the finale.

Everyone focused on me at once I'd probably run lol

[WorkingOnThomas]

I told my boss first. Then he had me tell the department at the next general meeting a few days later. Then I informed HR. But that is kind of how things operate here at this university - we don't actually have a whole lot to do with the HR people, nor they with us. We're all pretty close, I guess, and enlisting HR to help me come out would have seemed like I distrusted my colleagues or something. But I understand that my employment situation is atypical.

[FtMitch]

I am lucky enough to work at a company run by women and headquartered in San Francisco, so for all my worries I had zero actual problems.  In fact, though I was not told who they were, I was told I was not the first trans person they had come out, so that was nice.  (This wasn't really the sort of thing I wanted to be a trailblazer on!)  They changed my name on everything (I work remotely, online) even though my legal name hasn't been changed, and they told no one except my Lead.  Since I work with people mostly on our company version of Facebook, mine was as easier transition than most since 99% of people don't realize I transitioned at all!  Only the people I occasionally see in person realize that anything has changed, and they mostly just don't ask me about it!  It's definitely weird how much more POPULAR I am now as a man, though.  All the women I work with (90% of my co-workers are women) seem to take the things that I say much more seriously now.  Apparently being male makes you a smarter, more knowledgeable, more capable person... even if you are actually the exact same person as before!   

[Jonathan L]

Thanks for sharing your stories! I finally managed to get ahold of someone from HR and we had a meeting this week. We're going to have another meeting with the two supervisors at my work next week to talk about how I want to come out to everyone else. It's very nervewracking. But I feel confident about HR's support and my boss (who I was mostly worried about) came and talked to me on Friday after HR let him know what was going on and he was very supportive so that makes me feel better. I'm not sure how they're going to tell everyone else. And I'm sure it will be awkward adjusting to the new name and pronouns, but I'm relieved to be nearly on the other side of this. I don't think I realized how stressful it's been only being out in limited spaces.