Oh man where do I start. I'm 17 and I've been with my girlfriend since September (roughly around 9 months) we've been through so much. She left her ex fiance for me ( he was literally the most terrible person) and she only dated cis guys before she met me (an ftm) and since we got together she cut off her hair (it's now a very Ruby rose esque type thing) and identifies as a lesbian. That's fine with me, your sexual orientation doesn't really define who you can and can't be with, but with her, it's like she's desperately trying to fit this mold, and trying to make me fit into it. She thinks of me as sort of her butchy girlfriend and it drives me crazy. She doesn't misgender me or call me her girlfriend in front of people, but it still makes me feel like ->-bleeped-<-. Not only that, but about 4 months ago I started testosterone and it has been absolute hell. We've fought so many times over it because of how much she hates me being on it, saying she can't handle how my voice will change and how much she loves my female voice. The other day she made fun of my "rat stache" saying she's going to shave it off in my sleep and how it doesn't help me pass, it just makes me look stupid. Earlier today she told me she hates how my genetalia has changed. She doesn't trust me because I lied to her about testosterone, I told her I was going to quit it because she doesn't like it but I never did. She doesn't understand how much I need it. She said that I must not need it that much to make me feel better about myself because I still feel like ->-bleeped-<- about myself even though I've been on it. Hmm I wonder why I feel like ->-bleeped-<- about myself? Yeah I don't like having acne or the fact that I gained weight, but I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is having her hate my body parts and make fun of my "rat stashe". Now, you may be wondering, " wow, she treats him like ->-bleeped-<-, why doesn't he just dump her already?" But here's the thing, this girl is the only person I've ever dated outside of the internet, due to moving around and social awkwardness and all that, I lost my virginity to her, I stayed in the hospital with her after a chemistry accident where she ended up with 3rd degree burns on her legs, I've been there for her through her psychotic drug addict mom's breakdowns, her and I are so damn attached to each other, we are each other's best friends, we've made plans to get married. I love her so much, but God she's killing me. And plus if we broke up she'd be stuck alone with her mother and no one to help her... I worry about her a lot. I worry for her safety and well being. I'm scared that if we broke up she'd end up alone, her mother would end up hurting her, or shed end up killing herself just due to the fact that she can't handle all this strss on her own. I'm scared that the person she'd end up with would treat her just like her exes have and not give her the love and attention she deserves. I've come close to breaking up with her but I think about all that and I just can't. I care about her too much. But oh my god she makes me want to slam my head into a wall. Everyone says I should always take care of myself first, but it's hard when you're so used to taking care of someone else. Not only that, but we live in a hick town and I'm pretty sure the only people that would want me would have to be really desperate (happened before) want an "experiment" or are just playing a mean trick. Yeah I know relationships aren't everything, but when you have someone for such a long time and you depend on someone so much, it's hard to imagine being single. Oh, by the way, I'm supposed to get my shot today but I promised her I quit (again) ugh. I'm so stressed out. Can anyone give me any advice or support? This is killing me.
