Coming out...kind of(?)

[Amber42]

Hi everyone,

I just want to start by saying that this forum has been a lifeline for me over the last long while I have been figuring things out.  I thank you all for that.

I have read posts for so long but only recently contributed to some conversations - but have been relatively quiet.

I'm 44 with a great wife and kids.  My wife has known about my CD tendencies for the last 12 years.  Over the last couple of years, as I've been figuring things out myself, I have tried to help my wife to understand what I've been feeling and the realization that it is not just CDing and the TG conversation has come up.  Much stress has been felt by both of us and many discussions have been experienced.

My wife is only person I had ever told or discussed this with.  Lately, the anxieties and stresses have increased and I've not been able to focus on work and life in general.  Things have been just weighing too heavily on me.  I had an appointment with my family doctor for another unrelated topic last week.  After discussing with my wife, I decided to tell my doctor.

That may have been one of the most difficult things to tell someone.  He has been my doctor for over 20 years.  After dropping the bomb on him (LOL), we talked for over 30minutes and he said some very interesting things.  He said even though I have always had the appearance of having the perfect life (great job, married, kids, etc) he always saw an underlying anxiety that he's never been able to put his finger on and now it all makes sense to him.  He was very happy that I told him and now he has set up some appointments to start discussions because he really wants to help me.

This was such a weight off my shoulders in many ways, but I also felt/feel incredibly vulnerable as well.

I am also afraid that this is the beginning of the real discussions...and that is scaring me to death!!!  I have an entire life, family, friends, career, etc that I cannot simply disregard....but at least I've taken the first step to trying to figure out what it all means and what my options are.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd share with the community that has given me a lot....a community that made me feel like maybe I'm not a freak....made me feel that at 44, I may not be too old to ask these questions....and just maybe, that I'm part of a bigger group of really great people trying to be themselves.




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[popa910]

Thanks for sharing!  I've only confided in one friend that I've just begun questioning my gender identity in the past month or two, and even though I know the person to be very pro-LGBTQ+, it was still a bit scary and nerve-wracking.  I can't yet imagine doing that with someone I've known for as long as you've known your doctor. 

Just curious, at what age did you start CD'ing, and did it seem to come out of the blue, or was it more something that was always present?  I've only begun my journey of introspection into my identity, and I've only just recently started with small things in private, but I'm looking forward to slowly branch out from here.

Thanks!

[NicoleAshley]

Thank you for sharing! Congratulations on coming out to your doctor! Remember that you do have "an entire life, family, friends, career, etc," but you also have your feelings. Make sure that throughout this entire adventure of finding and understanding your true self, you do what makes you happy. I know, it sounds a little silly to say, but remember it when you make decisions. Now if you want to hear (well read) about coming out, then keep on reading.

Let me say that after being out as a trans woman for over a year and now identifying and genderfluid and lesbian, that the coming out process is by far the most nerve wracking thing I've ever done (I'm 100% out to my entire family, friends, and everyone that i meet basically). Before i started to come out at all, i did things to try and present myself more feminine, so the big trans woman thing wasn't such a big reveal. I did things like trimming (and eventually shaving) my legs, wearing my hair in a more "feminine" manner (I already had long hair), and trying to wear more body hugging clothing (i.e. skinny jeans instead of regular, kind of baggy jeans). I like to think of coming out as this: it took me a lot of thinking to come to terms with being a gender minority, so why would other people instantly get it? Ease people into it, and they will have much better reactions in my opinion. Just remember that people might need time to process, and that is not something to take personally (I took it personally, but when I thought of how much time I needed to come to terms with it, I started to understand their point a little bit better.

Thank you once again for sharing! I hope my rambling in some way helped you.

[Amber42]

Thank you for sharing! Congratulations on coming out to your doctor! Remember that you do have "an entire life, family, friends, career, etc," but you also have your feelings. Make sure that throughout this entire adventure of finding and understanding your true self, you do what makes you happy. I know, it sounds a little silly to say, but remember it when you make decisions. Now if you want to hear (well read) about coming out, then keep on reading.

Let me say that after being out as a trans woman for over a year and now identifying and genderfluid and lesbian, that the coming out process is by far the most nerve wracking thing I've ever done (I'm 100% out to my entire family, friends, and everyone that i meet basically). Before i started to come out at all, i did things to try and present myself more feminine, so the big trans woman thing wasn't such a big reveal. I did things like trimming (and eventually shaving) my legs, wearing my hair in a more "feminine" manner (I already had long hair), and trying to wear more body hugging clothing (i.e. skinny jeans instead of regular, kind of baggy jeans). I like to think of coming out as this: it took me a lot of thinking to come to terms with being a gender minority, so why would other people instantly get it? Ease people into it, and they will have much better reactions in my opinion. Just remember that people might need time to process, and that is not something to take personally (I took it personally, but when I thought of how much time I needed to come to terms with it, I started to understand their point a little bit better.

Thank you once again for sharing! I hope my rambling in some way helped you.

Thank you for your reply.  That does make sense.  Although I haven't done it intentionally, I have also started making small changes.  Although I was never drastically overweight, I have lost about 30 lbs over the last 6 months, to feel better about myself.  I'm now 167, standing approx 5'11".  Closer to what a women of my height would be.

I also started shaping my eyebrows and trimming arm and leg hair.  When my wife noticed some changes, she initially wasn't pleased but is coming to terms with it slowly.

Because my social circle is very close and I'm part of larger community where it seems everyone knows about everything, I feel like it will be difficult to fully come out...but who knows what the future will hold.

I appreciate you sharing your approach.  I see some similarities.  Thanks again.


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