Is it me or was it predetermined

[ChasingAlice]

I was born in a super small town and I assume the doctor did not get the message. My older brother disowned me because I am transitioning and he can not. Makes me suspect des or genetics. Also my aunt had miscarriage issues and her son was tg.

[Michelle_P]

I was born in a super small town and I assume the doctor did not get the message. My older brother disowned me because I am transitioning and he can not. Makes me suspect des or genetics. Also my aunt had miscarriage issues and her son was tg.

Oh, there are a whole bunch of nasties out in the world that can disrupt the endocrine system like DES did.

See, for example: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1281309/

The anecdotal clustering could be docs that didn't get the message, or areas where endocrine-disrupting chemicals (EDCs) happen to have been in heavy use for agriculture or other purposes.

It does give us a clue as to where we may have come from, but it doesn't really affect the treatment paths available for gender dysphoria.  The only way out is through...

[HughE]

Oh, there are a whole bunch of nasties out in the world that can disrupt the endocrine system like DES did.

There sure are, not just industrial chemicals and environmental contaminants, but hormones and other drugs that are very commonly used in women's medicine, where prenatal exposure is a very real possibility. Every day, millions of women take hormones in the form of birth control pills and other forms of hormonal contraception, that, from what I've read about their properties, are definitely capable of inducing opposite sexed development in the fetus if they're consumed during pregnancy (both female development in male fetuses, and male development in female fetuses). There's also a drug called hydroxyprogesterone caproate, that is in current, widespread use as a treatment in women with a history of recurrent premature birth, which I think is highly likely to be causing female brain development in any male babies unfortunate enough to be exposed to it.

People tend to forget that DES wasn't a pesticide or chemical contaminant, it was a medicine prescribed by doctors. If prenatal exposure to one pharmaceutical hormone is capable of causing transsexuality, that makes it far more likely that other pharmaceutical hormones are capable of doing the same thing.

[Alex Forbes]

I am not transgendered, so I cannot speak from experience on this topic. But I am a heterosexual crossdresser, so I feel I can write about that.

I think that heterosexual men in general have a strong sex drive, and that this begins early on. We seek outlets for this, and details don't need to be described here. However, I do think that certain things get wrapped up tightly within sexual exploration during puberty. Obviously, boys see girls and women and ponder them in various ways. Sometimes, the boy catches a glimpse of the "forbidden" or the "tantalizing" - a flash of leg or the inadvertent brushing by of a breast. Those kinds of accidents inform sexual expression, and may inspire behavior that becomes crossdressing. Crossdressing at this age and in the teen years is a convenient way to have a "women at the ready", whereby the boy is able to compartmentalize the behavior in a manner that retains the drive to be virile while also privately exploring sexuality through feminine things. These explorations eventually turn into habits, habits that can sometimes sexually satisfy certain men more than actual female companionship, which is interesting.

Clearly, in some cases, this crossdressing behavior reveals a truth about the boy, that perhaps he is really a female. I've no idea what that must be like, but I've heard that crossdressing can add form to feelings that trace back to infancy.

Anyway, I think crossdressing is quite common and exists in various forms. I have no science to back it up, but I would suspect that over half of all heterosexual men are crossdressers in some form or another. On the one hand, boys and men will feel shame, but only because they believe crossdressing will be perceived by others as an affront to virility. Other boys and men may discover that they are indeed female. I can't really speak to homosexual crossdressing, which apparently, but not exclusively, involves drag performances. I don't know anything about the history of drag performance, but I suspect that story often gets intermingled with the more private crossdressing behaviors, two things that get lumped together by the lay person. This doesn't usually go over well with heterosexual crossdressers, to be sure.

It's complicated, colorful, and fun. But I also recognize that it presents major difficulties in relationships and, it seems, in specific legal matters and civil rights. Hopefully, by the time I don a gray wig, things will have lightened up a bit around here and crossdressing will not be viewed as such an awful thing. Because, in the end, it hardly is.

[Dena]

Alex, you are very new here and I have been here about a year. When I first joined this site my views were not much different than yours. They were 33 years old dating to the end of my transition and a time period where the non binary wasn't well known. We had the term cross dresser and ->-bleeped-<- but they weren't understood any more than the cause of transsexualism was. I have come to understand that the non binary - not fully male and not full female can be many shades of gray. We have people who want surgery for MTF but after surgery will move more midway between the two genders. I have seen the same for FTM were they want a masculine body but wish to live more toward the middle.

We classify cross dressing as transgender because a cross dresser isn't fully comfortable with their masculine roll. Yes the discomfort is small compared to somebody like me who required a full switch from MTF, but it still falls under the transgender classification.

Before surgery, my feeling were much like yours, I enjoy feminine clothing and at times there was a sexual component to it. The main difference is that in boy mode I had a pretty constant depression. I understand that this isn't how you feel and it's what allows you to be comfortable with short term living in the feminine role. When I took the clothing off, I quickly became uncomfortable again.

There are a couple of links you might want to look at if you haven't seen them already. The first was in the greeting links on your first post. The second is our WIKI where you will get a better understand what the term transgender means.

I feel that being transgender makes us special as we live in two worlds and can learn the best from each. Where I given the option to be born normal and miss all the pain I had to live through, I think I would chose to live my life the same all over again. I wouldn't have been half the person I am today without the struggle that shaped me into the person I am today.

[Alex Forbes]

New here, to be sure. But at 47, I've lived with crossdressing for almost four decades and thought a good deal about the subject, in part because it is worthwhile to get to know oneself

In any case, I think the jury is always out when it comes to psychology. Often, definitions of this or that behavior are redefined over time as more data becomes available and folks come out of the darkness imposed by social stigma. I agree that CD is a component of transgender, but I also feel there is a CD component that is distinctly separate from transgender, firmly in the camp of sexual fetish and/or artistic expression. Some have told me that this is a form of denial; which is presumptuous of them. But that's okay.

In my particular case, crossdressing is a mix of sexual pleasure and artistic expression. Interestingly, when dressed as Alex, I am incredibly uncomfortable in public, as though I am about to be revealed as a fraud. I am unable to relax fully, constantly being in a state of anxiety. But, for the most part, it is good anxiety, a kind of exhilaration. At the end of the day, it is such a fantastic release to get back into my male garb!

Just a quick update - I reviewed the definitions for the community and will be cognizant of those in the future.

Anyway, it is a pleasure to discuss this subject in a respectful way. It is one of the reasons I joined this forum.

[Michelle_P]

Interestingly, when dressed as Alex, I am incredibly uncomfortable in public, as though I am about to be revealed as a fraud. I am unable to relax fully, constantly being in a state of anxiety. But, for the most part, it is good anxiety, a kind of exhilaration. At the end of the day, it is such a fantastic release to get back into my male garb!

Wow!  That was an interesting thing to read.  As a pre-everything transwoman, I have a rather different experience.  I'm actually very comfortable presenting female in public, and at the end of the day I hate having to 'put Michelle away'.  I compared it to the feelings I've had at burying a relative when discussing with my therapist.  I don't fear 'being revealed as a fraud', as I'm an easy read, all too obviously not cisfemale, and so constantly 'revealed'.

It's interesting that you have this discomfort yet persist in the behavior.  That exhilaration must be a strong reward for the activity.

[Alex Forbes]

I can imagine how you feel about my comments. Several folks react the same way. I love crossdressing, and indeed the anticipation of crossdressing. And it is fun to get out there for a few hours. But it has become a burden to put all the stuff on, whereas I used to really enjoy it. I also dress perhaps once every two months or so, which is about right. At the end of the day, I am exhausted, and can't wait to take all that stuff off. I do capture the moment with photography, and that has become an important part of the process for me - the desire to improve upon the illusion. But I will confess that I need to work on my voice a bit. Being lazy about that has resulted in some jarring incidents where I apparently come across as a passable woman until I utter a word or two. That is kind of embarrassing.

Perhaps more importantly, it is a pleasure to get to know people in the community who share my interest in crossdressing and transgender issues. When it comes to this "Alex persona" and interacting with like-minded friends, it has been an enlightening experience that has elevated me from the darkness of shame into the light of confidence and pride.

[Dena]

The longer I am on this site, the harder it has become for me to define the word Fetish and the easer it has become for me to see the non binary as part of the the transgender family. I feel more and more that fetish is a term dreamed up by by CIS to explain something they don't understand or feel and is an inaccurate description of non binary behavior.

When Dena first walked out the door, there was a mix of excitement and fear. That continued until I went full time and then it faded. You may call it artistic expression but if so, why don't you feel the same with the metrosexual look? I would venture the suggestion that you feel some degree of comfort presenting as a woman. Yes, testosterone is still messing with your mind as it does with all transgenders but somehow, presenting as a woman has comfort for you. I would also guess where you put on blockers to suppress your testosterone your desire to cross dress and what you feel as the result would diminish. There are site members who are now comfortable in the male role because blockers diminish the feminine drive.

The current thinking on transsexualism is that the lack of testosterone at a critical time before birth causes our brain to feminize. Where the timing or the levels not a direct hit but a glancing blow, what would the results be? I suspect it would be a mix of masculine and feminine resulting in the non binary instead of a transsexual.

[Alex Forbes]

Dena - that is interesting what you say about the meaning of the word "fetish." I suppose it has a negative connotation, but I don't see it that way. Indeed, I have to force myself to not see it that way, because I can be quite judgmental about the whole thing. As it is wise to embrace the spectrum of gender expression, so to is it wise to embrace the spectrum of sexual pleasures. Both spectra intertwine in nuanced ways, especially since both emerge in our youth, when we are vulnerable and malleable.

We are complex creatures, to be sure.

[Dena]

I came to the site for information on voice surgery and I stay on the site to help others. Transsexuals for the most part are easy to help. Ask a few questions, point them in the right direction and away they go. The remainder of the problems they face, others can handle just as well or better than me.

The non binary is another story because it isn't simply male or female. You have found a solution that works for you. Short vacations from masculinity eliminate the need for a while and when the vacation is over, you are ready to return to the male role. Other non binary can feel neither or both genders at the same time. Fluid/bigender flip back and forth depending on some unknown factor. They respond to HRT which proves their brains have not developed along the normal path but strange as it may seem, sometime HRT will not put them where they want to be in life. Sometimes all it takes is different presentation. Others are destine to never be fully comfortable.

CIS don't understand how easy they have it never feeling uncomfortable with their gender identity and always knowing what they are when they wake up in the morning. For a small group of us, gender is very complex and different.

The reason why we don't judge on this site is because we can't judge. Even the CIS SOs if they spend any time here come to understand that the transgender is the only one who knows what they feel and what make them comfortable.