I am sorry for this amount of text!!! Just really confused and hoping someone can help me given enough information.
Hi, I am pretty confused at the moment. I am not sure about my gender and sexual orientation. I know these are two seperate things and don't relate to each other. I am a 16 year old boy, I think, and have reached puberty for a year and a half or so.
Okay, so this thing started about 4 months ago, when I started wondering or I might be transgender. I have always been a very girly person. In kindergarten I remember being very, very sensitive and lonely. All boy children called me crybaby because I cried so quickly. Also, I had this feeling of being 'different'. The first year of school my sister and I were in the same class. I remember always playing together with here. Then, a year later I had to go to the next year while my sister had to stay. I made two friend in this year, one who was a boy and the other a girl, whom I called my girlfriend (and she my boyfriend). I recall going to her house, she had a very, very pink room and thinking: wow, if I could have such a room, that would be amazing. Nevertheless, I never have dressed, as for what I can recall, as girl. I played with boy toys, as well as with girl toys and like them both. I knew though, that I couldn't play with girl toys too much, because this would be seen as weird.
Then, the next year of school, we learned reading. I found this was a really good way to escape the reality and just hide in your own world. So I went reading, tons. Always if we had a second spare time, I went reading. I read at school, when I got home and even at nights when I was supossed to sleep. I also like writing a lot, still do. I write poems now. (also something considering girly)
A thing (and this is were the sexual orientation comes in) were I was aroused by was something apparently called: vorarephilia
QuoteVorarephilia (often shortened to vore) is a paraphilia characterized by the erotic desire to be consumed by, or sometimes to personally consume, another person or creature
I know it is weird. I always imagined the 'soft vore' as it is called, though. I really didn't like blood and such. Wikipedia also says this about Vorarephilia
QuoteOne case study analysis connected the fantasy with sexual masochism, and suggested that it could be motivated by a desire to merge with a powerful other or permanently escape loneliness
. I remember wishing to be dead, several times. My motivation for this was: nobody cares about me and I am lonely, so what is meaning of life anymore?. But something inside always held me back from actually trying to attempt suicide. My parents, nevertheless, were(and are) very kind and loving. So one of my questions is: has this whole vorarephilia thing anything to do with my sexual orientation or gender identity?
At age of 10 my girlfriend broke up with me. Well, I thought she had. I saw her dancing with another guy in my class and I, with my stupid brain, thought that she was in love with that guy. So I assumed she broke up with me. We had a relationship of 4 years total, from my sixth to my tenth. I remember being really, really upset about it. I have never kissed her, although I have thought about it. I didn't know, that she thought I was still in love with her, until I figured this out two years later when a friend of her tried to approach me and say she still loves me. I just said, ''get out'' to this girl, I thought she had broken up with me long ago and I had to act masculine. I stil regret saying this, four years later, to this day. According to this relationship you could say I am straight, but I have several people say such a young relationship doesn't 'count'.
My last two years of elementary school I tried to fit in with the boys, which turned out better than I thought it was going to be in the beginning. I just had to watch football and pretended I knew all about it(I actually hated it and knew nothing about it). Though, I fit in well, I still had the feeling of being 'different' and I was just not happy. From my second year of elementry school until my seventh I have been bullied, I think the reason is because I was just to sensible, but I am not sure about this.
Then when I went to high school, I knew I was still 'different' and was going to get bullied. I needed someone who could 'protect' me and whom I could rely on. I found another boy in my class who was also a bit 'different'. I first met him at a scouting camp from another friend. From this camp I remember having a mud fight and I really didn't want to get dirty. I didn't know why, I just didn't like it. He was even 'weirder' than I was so he got more bullied than me, what I was secretly glad about. We were pretty good friends and of course the rumors were going to spread: are they a couple? I didn't really care about this at first, but later on it got worse.
At the same time, I was really unhappy. I remember thinking at the beginning of the summer holiday: I am going to go on holiday with my parents and have a good time and such, and when I have had that holiday I am going to commit suicide....
After holiday, I thought the better of it and didn't commit suicide. I moved on to they next year, this year was almost exactly the same as last year, the friend was still in my class and things didn't change. The rumors were also still there. I remember when we read the biology that it said something about transgenders. I found it very interesting. It also mentioned transvestites. I remember asking a classmate next to me: why would you want to dress like a girl for one day, not 'just' your whole life? That would be a lot better, wouldn't it? I read this article about transgenders 3 times over, I don't know why, maybe because I am a transgender...
At the end of this year I had the same feeling I had the year before that, I am going to have holiday and after that commit suicide. Again, didn't do it.
The next year there didn't change much, I was still in the same class with that same friend. The rumors got a lot worse though. The feelings at the end of the year were this time different, I knew that, most likely, my friend woulnd't be in the same class that I was in and I tried to convince myself everything was going to be alright if I just was going to stand up for myself and tried to act as masculine as possible. I got hair at my genitals, at first I wanted to cut it away immediately but then I realised this may be bad. I read on the internet that this indeed was unhealthy. So I ended up cutting if for the half, because I couldn't stand having so much hair. I don't have facial hare yet and am happy about that. The hair that worriest me the most is chest hair (luckly don't have that yet too).
So I did this after holiday, I tried to be as masculine as possible. At first, this went okay, but then I fell in love with a girl. I liked her a lot, though I was unsure about if I was really in love and searched on the web for it and such. I tried to make a move 3 months after knowing her. She rejected me. I was badly shaken, my whole self-confidence I had build up during these 3 months fell apart. I didn't try to act masculine anymore and just saw myself as a broken person. I even commited self-harm because I just didn't know what to do anymore. Thoughts of suicide, again, showed up. I think I know why I loved(still do for a part, but in a friend way) her so much now. She didn't treat me much different from her girl friends and she saw me as another girl friend. I felt really at home with her because of that.
At the same time, another girl actually like me, but I didn't notice this at all. This girl was a friend of the girl I liked. After I was rejected, she was the one who got me up again and helped me trough all the pain. Because of this, I fell in love with her. We started a relationship, this didn't last long though, she broke up after only two weeks. This was three months after that first rejection. I've had a hard time dealing with having two broken hearts in 6 months.
I have a good friendship with all of the girl friends of the girl that rejected me and am a good friend (not in love anymore) of hers now too. I feel better around girls, since I feel like they understand me. I get a lot of comments about that I am around girls much. Like: "hey there's he again with all his girlfriends" and "are you gay? Because you act so girly" I also feel good when a teacher says to me and my girl friends: "ladies" instead of "ladies and gentleman". I also don't correct them if they say this.
So I am very confused, I have never really disliked my genitals, but I have thought: I understand why you wouldn't like a penis, it's such a nasty thing. So I don't know if this is just me being gay, or that I am actually transgender. I have heard gay men act very girlish and since I act like this this I wonder if I might be gay. Also, according to a lot of people I am gay(those people don't know me well though). But if I am not, how come I have always felt 'different'.
I am also not happy with my gender role at the moment, I want to hug a girl friend or give a compliment about her hear or clothes, without the immediate association I am in love with this girl. I want to wear make-up, without being called gay. I want to act like a girl without being called gay. I want to wear jewelry, I want to wear or use pink or any kind of 'girly' colored clothes or markers and I don't want to be called out of 'not being masculine enough'. Maybe I am actually gay and in denial, but I am not sure about this. Though I don't get aroused when I see two guys having sexual intercourse(yes I watched porn
), but neither do I when I see a hetero couple having sexual intercourse. I only get aroused when I see lesbian having sex, which may seem weird. I have tried crossdressing in private lately, to see if I feel comfortable. I get aroused when putting on my sister clothes but I don't want to be. I had them on for like a long time, for like 4 hours because I thought they fit well.
So my biggest question is: am I transgender or 'just' gay. Or maybe not anything special at all, which I think is not likely considering my past.
again sorry for this amount of text, this is actually the first time I have written my whole life story down.
