No idea where to start

[zeus33]

OK, tiered of hiding,  put myself in the lesbian box from a young age because I thought that was all there was. Parents accepted that, mom admitted she knew I was uncomfortable in dresses  from early age but made me wear them anyway to "get along and do what I had to". I like so many have delt with multiple aspects of trauma that I won't get into, but you name it and it happened. It was all more so worse because I was in wrong body. I dissociated, threw myself into my work, I don't remember chunks of my childhood and have spent the bulk of my adult like stagnated, just getting by, dissociating worse because I have a high stress job in ems. I was basically half trans dressing in men's clothing and picked a job where I wear a uniform to help blend. I am now 33, understand why I never seemed to fit anywhere after getting retramatized.

I am dealing, therapy, working out and starting to care about myself. I am starting a new career in nursing after I finish school, I want to live this new part of my life on my terms.  There is just so much to do / deal with I have no idea where to start.

List:
Hormones - really want to get this going, live in a liberal area and there is a clinic with informed concent so possible and no gate keepers and want to start being whom I feel I am, leading to next issue. ..
Family - I know it's never a good time no matter what,  they accepted the lesbian thing (wrong box) I know they'd still love me but the transition of them getting it and not thinking this is a stide effect from my recent struggles and me going of the deep end. Also when my mom admitted to the dress thing, I said ever think I should have been born a boy?  She said yes but don't think of doing a "Bruce Jenner on me" so. .. my sister would support me but had her own stuff. . Just wanna star the change and be like surprise ! After six months
ID changes: just holy crap! How to start. ..

I could go on and on know I'm missing a bunch more but hell at least I got the wardrobe, demenor and swagger so that's a start. Any info help or advice is appreciated.  Xxoo Zeus

[Rachel]

Hi,

I work in a large hospital in Philadelphia and there are 15 trans out at work. I was the 1st to transition on the job. There is a nurse transitioning now, just came out a few months ago.

A good gender therapist is a great place to start. Figure out all that is in the way of hormones. Then tackle each one (like coming out). I also  recommend you go to group and talk to a bunch of guys and find out what it is like ( not just the hormones but socially) then if you need to transition do so. Finding community is important, we understand and we have been there. Also it is a great source of friendships.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

A therapist (that you mesh well with) is a good place to start because you're going to need some support. Possibly your employer has EAP or therapy covered under health insurance, something to look into. Doesn't sound like you need a gender therapist per se but you do need someone who can help with trauma and also who can be a compassionate listener.

What did you mom mean by "pull a Bruce Jenner"? Does that mean come out once the deed is done instead of walking her through the process, or is she horrified at the idea of physical transition? Hormonal transition is like going through 2nd puberty, it's much more "natural" than "unnatural" and happens gradually. Maybe you can explain this to her.

ETA: you can work with your prescribing physician to try low dose T. It doesn't always slow down changes but it does for some people.

Also, being trans isn't being an extreme lesbian, but lots of transmen identify as or are given the label by others as lesbians because the awareness about trans isn't there and some of the behaviors (childhood and adult cross gendered behavior/clothing) look the same from the outside. I think a way to explain to your loved ones is that you thought coming out as gay would provide some calm and closure in your life being able to explain why you were different and felt confused, but it didn't. And through more searching you found out you are in fact trans, and this lifelong condition has been fueling your personal problems. You aren't becoming another person, or changing into a new persona. You will just be free to be yourself and be pursuing a treatment for the dysphoria (and the anxiety and depression that comes with it) that has plagued you for years.

I know the Catholic Church thinks differently but life wasn't meant to be unremitting, senseless suffering in the vale of tears. 99% of people bumble through life without ever suffering a day of gender dysphoria. Would they let your diabetes go untreated? Chronic pain? Hypothyroid? Of course not.

[zeus33]

Thanks so much Rachel and Axe. More the thought of changing sexes is what freaks get im thinking.

Healthcare is a good field for trans for sure, I know there is a distinct difference between trans and masculine lesbian, for sure. I know that trans was what I was all along now. I've been seeing a therapist not specializing in gender dysphoria, but when I told her she said it makes perfect sense and was supportive and I have a great relationship with her.  Went to a group for FTM last week and am going next week. Thanks for the kind words.