Help! My wife is emotionally overwhelmed by transition

[AnxietyDisord3r]

My wife has been pretty supportive through transition which has included top surgery. She helped save money for the surgery and took care of me post op. However, I'm still of limited mobility post op and her stores have run dry. Her boss made her work extra hours instead of granting her unpaid leave. I can't chop vegetables, wash dishes, do laundry, vacuum, drive, etc, etc. I am in the house resting and in pain because of how my body has taken the surgery. She kinda flailed on Facebook asking for help but only a few people have brought food (this is her biggest stressor: dinner) and instead of getting emotional support several FB friends responded to her ranting about trans issues by saying they were afraid to talk to her if she was going to blow up over pronouns with them or something like that. She feels horribly let down and is very upset, crying, anxious, worn out, etc. I don't know what to say to her to reassure her and I am incapable of taking the physical burden off. I'm pretty worn out myself from recovery and having anxiety over changing dressings and stuff like that so I'm kind of a mess. Thoughts? Suggestions?

[stephaniec]

what kind of insurance do you have . you can usally get support from agencies that help with cleaning and cooking and nurse visits.

[FTMax]

Yes, what Stephanie said. Call your insurance and see if they will cover and assign a home health aide. That would at least get you taken care of. You may also have luck with local organizations. I know my church had a whole ministry dedicated to taking care of folks when they were sick, had had surgery, just had a baby, etc. There may be places around you that would do that even if you aren't a member. You'd probably have a lot of luck if there was a trans support group in the area.

Even if insurance won't cover it, I know there are companies that will send someone out to you to help around the house. I am not sure what the cost would be or how quickly they could get something set up, but it may be worth looking into if you're going to be down for another week or more.

Was the response to her post completely negative? Is there anyone that commented positively or liked it that hasn't already helped you guys out? Personally, I would delete the post if it had had such a bad reaction from folks. But I would also follow up with anyone that had commented positively and ask for assistance. If you can afford it, even go so far as to offer to give someone money to stop by and cook dinner everyday until you're feeling better. I know schools are about to be out here. There are probably a lot of high school aged kids who can make a decent enough meal who would like some extra cash.

[Dena]

If there isn't any form of outside help where some of the chores like house cleaning could be taken care of, let them slide a bit. The carpet can go a bit longer without vacuuming, clean the bathroom once a week, a little extra dust on the furniture won't hurt for another week or two. Food is a bit more complex but possibly a deli, chinese or other take out food could give both of you a rest. Type "home delivered meals" on your computer and see what happens. In the motor home we were often doing heavy sales for 10 or more hours a day so we had pre prepared food that you just pop in the oven or crock pot. We would buy many of these at Costco but Walmart was a good source of them as well. Because water was a problem in the motor home, we bought paper plates by the 100 pack and used plastic silverware so we only need to wash a few items. Add cold cereal or breakfast biscuits, lunch meat and bread, while it may not have been the healthiest, it kept use going during a week or two of intense sales.

Once you are well enough, you can return to your normal routine but for now, both of you will need all the rest you can get and that will mean reducing the time you spend working around the house as much as possible.

[Feminator]

It is very difficult for us to feel good without our OWN support. I am running into this with my wife as well. I insisted that hy go to a trans-friendly therapist(who happens to be trans as well), and immediately he sugested that not only my wife get a support group, but myself as well. It has been a Godsend! I also of course hang out here and talk to others on chat, which has helped a lot because sometimes I can't ask my wife questions or share my fears without upsetting hym, and here and also my support group, I can.

Do you live where there is a PFLAG or a LGBT center nearby? PFLAG is a great group to attend and they will help her and also most LGBT centers have Trans-friendly spaces, groups or resources. I attend a Trans allies group, which is mostly parents of trans, but there are a few who are siblings or married as well. Also, my wife attends a Own your gender group there, and they have open meetings every 12 weeks so that is a way for me to meet the community and socialize with their supporters and partners.

As for facebook....I have unfriended several long time friends and have chose to approach ignorant people on their timelines and at least state my peace. I also have unfriended family members after some nasty things they posted about the trans bathroom phobia and told them exactly why. Tell her to not sweat it, if they are like that, then she is just actually finding out how they feel and obviously they are not worth her time.