Unexpected Transphobia: How do you deal with it?

[MisterQueer]

So, on Instagram, I like to follow comedy pages. Nothing wrong with that, but sometimes I can come across things that are transphobic, and it really makes me feel like crap. Like, on Youtube videos about trans people, I of course expect transphobic people in the comments section, and it doesn't really bother me because I was mentally prepared for it. However, when scrolling through Instagram, not thinking about it, and then suddenly being struck with it is really unsettling for me.

I decided that if I saw too much then I'd just unfollow that page. I had to do that once, when the person was posting very homophobic/transphobic things on pretty much all of his uploads. But then, I realized, as I saw more transphobic "funny" memes/images, it was coming from nearly all of the pages I followed.

Most of the transphobic stuff was directed at transwomen, and though it upset me, it didn't feel personal, I guess you could say.

It wasn't until I woke up this morning and went through Instagram and saw this thing. Now, I can't find the actual thing in itself, and even though I tried to email myself a screenshot, it keeps failing, so I'll try my best for a description. It's from that one spongebob episode where there's Spongebob, Patrick, and Manta Ray, and Patrick drops his wallet, and Manta Ray tries to give it back to him, but Patrick keeps saying it's not his wallet.

This is how it went:

Manta Ray: You have a vagina, right?
Patrick: Yep.
Manta Ray: And your doctor said you're a female, right?
Patrick: Yep.
Manta Ray: So, by having female genitalia and reproductive organs you're a female. That makes sense to me. Then you're a female.
Patrick: It's not my gender.

I just had enough by then. I felt personally attacked. I logged out and deleted Instagram, too sick and tired to deal with it. And then hating myself because I couldn't have just been born in a male body instead, even though I know it's not my fault and I had no choice.

I know I'll continue to experience unexpected transphobia, despite no longer having Instagram. But I feel like I'm only getting worse at handling it. I don't know what to do by now, because this is something I'm most likely going to have to face for the rest of my life.

How do you handle unexpected transphobia? Any advice for me?   

[cindianna_jones]

Stay away from things you can control and prepare yourself for those times you can't. You are doing what I would do. I think it is totally appropriate.

[Deborah]

To an extent you have to just become numb to the stuff that's not directed towards you personally.  I have been partially successful in this but still it sometimes spins me into a depression feeling like the world is against me.


Sapere Aude

[Denise]

It just shows you how uneducated people are.  If you consider that you know more on the topic than they do, use that to pick yourself up when you read it.  Sure it pisses you, it should anyone who is educated.  It just shows how misinformed or not-informed people really are.

I try to use those types of comments to prop myself up.  Yes the glass is 1/2 full and getting fuller all the time.

[Cynthia Johnson]

I'm the dissenting opinion daily on every trans thread that comes up on an AR15 board. You have to be in it to win it. Surprising amount of either support or ambivalence. I just go in with thick skin, laugh a few things off, probably put a few things ways many would disagree, but they get several trans opinions on every thread now.

[Kylo]

I never noticed it before but lately I've been watching some comedy sketches from the 80s, as well as an 80s marathon of movies and the concept of a "sex change" (as they put it) or cross dressers comes up a lot. Sometimes as deadpan statements, sometimes as milder jokes and sometimes as outright insults. But it struck me that I never noticed how often it comes up in popular media until I diagnosed myself as trans and became aware of it fully.

You'll notice that it changes over time - the gay and trans jokes of the 80s were more ignorant than the 90s which were more ignorant than the 00s and so on.

The bad side of it is that yes, there's a lot of commenting and insulting and joking and so on out there about us. But the good side is that the mention of trans people is so prevalent, like more so than I ever expected, that we can't be that rare, we are part of society to be mentioned so much, and noticed so much... we are there, and have been for a very long time. People know this, and on the whole, we may be the butt of an occasional joke but it seems to me that we are there to stay and they'll eventually grow up and accept it. I mean, people on the whole tend to grow out of certain types of humor - like how kids grow out of laughing at the word "penis" eventually and realize that it's not actually that hilarious... so maybe there'll always be a section of society unhealthily obsessed with us or finding us amusing, but on the whole I think society is maturing in the first world, for the most part. That's how I deal.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

This is how it went:

Manta Ray: You have a vagina, right?
Patrick: Yep.
Manta Ray: And your doctor said you're a female, right?
Patrick: Yep.
Manta Ray: So, by having female genitalia and reproductive organs you're a female. That makes sense to me. Then you're a female.
Patrick: It's not my gender.

I just had enough by then. I felt personally attacked. I logged out and deleted Instagram, too sick and tired to deal with it. And then hating myself because I couldn't have just been born in a male body instead, even though I know it's not my fault and I had no choice.

You were personally attacked. This sounds like straight up bullying. This isn't ignorance--they weren't unknowing and willing to learn. They showed no empathy to you. Just repeatedly kicking you after you asked them to stop.

It's okay to not feel strong enough to fight them on their own ground. What bullies really want is a) attention and validation and b) a victim, so don't give them either. Blot them out of your life and go on working on your own goals and being your best self.

I used to get bullied a lot at school and couldn't avoid seeing my bullies every day but guess what, you can always close that tab and go to another website. Cultivate positive thinking websites in your bookmarks list so you can destress when it all gets to be too much. I like guided meditations but some people use cute baby animal pictures.

[GurkyCecilia]

I have a friend who is a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and supports trans rights. But this friend has occasionally said something very transphobic.
It has happened twice: once when I "jokingly" said that I was a woman (it was totally not a way for me to hint that I am a woman) and this friend told me to "cut [my] dick off then", and the other time that it happened was in the same scenario but with a cis-man saying it.
The sad part is that I never told this person that what they said was transphobic; I just let it slide. And I'm ashamed because of it. I didn't condemn a very toxic idea of the transgender community when I had the chance to.
The way that I dealt with it was by not dealing with it, and I feel pathetic because of it.

[MisterQueer]

You were personally attacked. This sounds like straight up bullying. This isn't ignorance--they weren't unknowing and willing to learn. They showed no empathy to you. Just repeatedly kicking you after you asked them to stop.

I'd like to clear some things up- the people who I followed thought I was a cis girl, I'm still socially female online in some aspects because on Instagram, I had people who I knew from school following me and I'm not outing myself anytime soon.

I never commented on the pages unless I find something really funny, and wanted to tag somebody so they could see it. The only time I commented on something disturbing was when one of the "comedy" pages showed a picture of a guy (possibly the owner of the comedy page, but I'm not sure) sitting in his car and holding a gun, with the caption of "'bout to go hunt down some gays". So I asked, "Dude why do you hate gay people so much?". No response. After a few days I just unfollowed him.

I never commented on anything else LGBT related. No gay things, no trans things. I never asked them to stop because I was risking somebody from school (a lot of them followed the same pages as I did) seeing it. Nobody on Instagram had any idea that I was in fact, trans.

[ChasingAlice]

take the high road and hold your head up high. stay away from people like that.

[RobynD]

The world is like a giant playground and some people love to pick on others and raise their ire. I make a point of not looking at comments on social media because of it.

[CarlyMcx]

I am 53 years old.  I know a lot of people.  Since I work in the legal field, just about everyone I work with holds a law degree in addition to their college degree.

That said, the first time I met my transgender group, I found them to be the most fascinating, intelligent people I ever met.  All of them, without exception.  We really are special.  Really.

Some people can be very insecure about that.  So just remember:  Even Harry Potter got picked on by the muggles.

[2cherry]

People who spread these things are the most insecure people that exist, and they'll drag you down their level.

I'm sensitive to it as well, because I have additional borderline which makes me enormously sensitive because I cannot regulate emotions and therefore I shut them down entirely. Which for me amounts to shutting down websites, profiles  and I even shut off my internet for 6 months. That is the only way to avoid it for me, mainly because of my borderline disorder.

[jmyle]

I keep encountering unexpected transphobia and it throws me off my feet as well. Sometimes I would just be enjoying a nice comedy show or something I like, and suddenly someone throws in a transphobic joke/comment or running gag out of the blue and I feel like someone dunked a bucket of ice water on me. Sometimes I'm able to ignore it the best I can, other times I feel incredibly sensitised to it and incredibly self conscious.

You're right - I've learned to expect really transphobic comments on Youtube videos, but it's when they're out of nowhere that they can still really throw me off. I sometimes hear pretty transphobic comments out of the blue from classmates and family as well. It sucks.

There's not a lot I do to deal with it, I just try to avoid places/people/media that are blatantly transphobic, and remember that even in a crowd of ignorant transphobia, it doesn't make me any less of a person. People will say incredibly hurtful things sometimes, but there will always be people who respect you for who you are, and those are the people I will aim to surround myself with. Also, having an accepting place to go back to - like a trans friendly support group or forums like these - can help.