Kinda pointy.
Gimmick intro out of the way, I signed up because I have hit a point where I think I just need to barf it all out on the internet and see if other people think I'm not entirely insane.
I'd write up my dysphoria history but it's pretty much the same as the basic teenage onset pattern. I never fitted in with the other boys then when the testosterone started to flow things started feeling not so groovy, etc, etc. I've gone a good 20ish years since then periodically indulging and suppressing the feelings. Then a few years ago I decided I would start to transition. That went on for about 2 months but things weren't really lining up well in my life at that time, enthusiasm started to wane and eventually I told myself that once and for all I was wrong. I did not have a GID, I was just depressed and being silly. The feelings of course came back every now and then but I had made a decision and I was sticking to it.
Recently however I had a severe depressive episode and with it came a huge wave of dysphoria. I got on some medications (for the brain) and things looked up again. The dysphoria faded and my own point was proved. I only feel it when I'm down, therefore it's not real it's just an aside of my depression. But there I was a week ago, on an upswing and feeling dysphoric. So I did what I do whenever something piques my interest and I got studying. On my way through the half a thousand essay blogs on gender dysphoria I came across an interesting theory which was the complete inverse of my depression theory. That I didn't just didn't feel the dysphoria when I was happy because I was happy enough to continue as I am.
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Now I'm at a certain difficult point in terms of self-realization and decision making. I admitted to myself that regardless of how severe or acute, I have a GID. It feels a lot like a lot of my attraction to women was based partly upon idolization and now that I have admitted it to myself I am feeling a lot less into being a guy and getting with women. (Which made for a very awkward date the other day) Now as much as I would like to bury the feeling and get back to happy go luck skipping by and just being what's expected of me, the tail end of the depression also has me trying to make serious hard decisions about my life. I'm fairly confused about almost everything right now. I want to be the person I feel I might be inside but I'm also fearful that I may not be able to achieve what I want or that I may not even want it anymore when I have it. To that end I decided to read accounts of trans-regret and some pro non-transition literature but it hasn't diminished my interests as much as I half hoped it might. Then of course there's the actual real world obstacles but I figure I can only deal with them when I get to them.
So all I'm really left with is the question that nobody can answer except me. Do I cast off the shackles of society and get ladylike? The only answer I have for which right now is a resounding "I don't know" but I'm gonna have to decide soon. On the one hand I wouldn't want to waste the opportunity as time rages on but then there's that whole entire journey that could potentially destroy what life I have.
In a single sentence: Hi everybody, here's a picture of me right now. ->
(Edit: I'm not going to a gender therapist because I'm in one of the countries that is slightly too transition positive and fast tracks people) <Not Allowed>
*No Profanity Please*
