Is this abuse?

[highlight]

There were a few events in my childhood that I am unsure about. At the time I don't know what I must of thought of them, But I did not think of them as abuse. I think she suffers from mental issues, mainly from anger problems even now she looks for reasons to start pointless arguments and seems to go into strange moods for no reason.

I can recall about three occasions that are questionable, but there may of been some that I blocked out from memory (I suffer from mild dissociation).

The first one I can remember is one that took place in my brothers bed room with my mum. Me and my brother were fooling around as kids do and I took the cover off the bed.

She came up and started yelling like crazy. She then hit me and told me to put the cover back on the bed. I tried to but since I was small and about 4-6 I failed and she hit me and told me to do it again. Every time I failed she would hit me. The memory is very faded so it is hard to tell how many times I was hit I just remember being traumatized and terrified by the experience. I know in the end she placed the cover on the bed herself.

The second time, I was messing around with my brother and she flipped me over and clawed my back (I think it's hard to believe my own memory there)

The final time this happened. I was 10. This is the only time I had actually don't something that was all that bad. I had stolen from next-door neighbors and she found out. She pinned me on the bed yelled at me and hit me.

Even when she was not attacking me she would yell like a crazy person. Also in these memories I have not recollection of my father being there suggesting that what ever she did do was brutal enough for her to want to hide it.   

Do you think this is abuse and if so what should I do?

[Gilbert Rose]

If she hit you when younger, then yes, it's past physical abuse. If she still hits you, it is current physical abuse.

Are you still at home?

[stephaniec]

abuse.

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If she hit you when younger, then yes, it's past physical abuse. If she still hits you, it is current physical abuse.

Are you still at home?

No she does not still hit me. At most she just tries to start petty arguments with me. But I can still see the anger that left me traumatized. It is kinda strange the way her mood can just "flip" makes me wonder whether she has "Border-line personality disorder" or some other mood issue.

abuse.

Yeah thanks for just calling it out. I have trouble accepting that I have been though that. I do feel somewhat "marked" by the experience. I don't think it's what caused my gender issues though; because if my memory servers me well then I felt like a girl before I was abused and the abuse is just co-incidence.

[Sno]

I lived to tell the tale. That's abuse.

I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, it's affected me in many ways. I was filling out some forms, asking for future dreams yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks - again, that I wasn't allowed to think about my own future, I was just to follow instructions or fear the wrath. A few tears were shed, again.

If there is a way you can get out of the situation, safely, into a more loving environment (friends, family), then do so. It's my biggest regret that I didn't. Then seek help. It's taken 30 years for me. I now know I need it, and I need to unravel what of my feelings are from being trans and what are from my abuse.

Good luck, precious, make yourself a survivor. Don't let the situation influence you for any longer than possible.

[hugs]

Sno

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The situation is a little odd at the moment. She seems to pretend that like nothing happened. She has never talked to me about it.

The relationship with her is not bad, she just acts like it never happened. If I outright accused her of abuse. She would either deny it or go quite. Then the rest of the family would take her side (they think I am nuts) and I would get kicked out of the house.

So until I can stand on my own two feet (which I am far from doing since I can hardly get out of bed in the morning) I might as well drop the issue.

[Atom]

Yeah that's abuse, plain and simple.

My father was handy with his fists, at about 5/6 I tried to get him to stop beating my mother, he flipped me into a wall. My sister and I were playing another time, we both had nighties on (kids etc)-I got such a belting for it.  Stupidly, I tried to make amends at 16, but he was still the same usless drunk as when I was a child.

On the plus side, I survived and have an extremely strong moral bar (usually quite low) when it comes to domestic violence. Suffering in silence is wrong, and part of the control of an abuser is the fear/unknown of when they may do it again - are there any hostels/programs etc in your area?  I really would start investigatingthat if I were you.