What even am I?

[Gilbert Rose]

Firstly I want to say sorry for how much I post. I have noticed my posts taking over a few topic areas... It's just that I feel comfortable enough here to ask my questions.

I've always felt like a boy. I don't want to be a boy, I just am one. And I wouldn't ever change that. I've got a boys mind with a girls body. I'm a little different. I don't think I'll ever fit the mold of male, but I'm definitely not female.

I've tried calling myself a girl. It's not me. I've known since five or six years old. I am a boy, and want a boys body.

The thing is, although I feel that I am a boy, that I want a boys body... Flat chest and um, that other thing down below... I don't always want to dress as a male.

I know it might sound weird, and sorry if I offended anyone... But I wish I could have a boys body now, so then I could wear girls clothes and still pass as male. Just like... I wish I could be a cis man, who likes to crossdress. If that makes sense?

I'm a boy. I know that. That is how it is. But I want to wear girls clothing some days. Just for a day of two. But be seen as a boy. Not to have people think that my transsexuality was a passed phase.

I wish I could be a normal cis teenage by, who just likes to go out in a wig, dress and high heels now and again. To let my femmine side out. But I can't. It's something I'll have to hide for a long, long time.

Does how I feel make sense to anyone? What does this even mean? Is this just normal transsexual behavior? To want to dress as male sometimes, then others, female? It's just clothes to me, I don't see the big deal. But I care too much about passing.

Most times I want to be as masculine as hell, other times I want to let myself rest and be feminine. A lot of the time, I find feminine things sickening. Some days, it's all nice and cute.

If I was a cis guy, I'd just do as I wanted. I'd just be a crossdresser, I guess.
Does this mean it's all just a phase? I'm or am I like, a transsexual... Crossdresser?
Huh. I've tried calling myself genderqueer and other stuff like that. It's just... I don't know. I'm a dude. Just too feminine, maybe. Can anyone help out in some way? I'm not confused about being a man, just... Am I even a transsexual? What am I?

[SamanthaNJ]

Trans-dragqueen? I dunno, maybe it's best to just not classify yourself and just be who you want to be at the moment.

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[Gilbert Rose]

Trans-dragqueen? I dunno, maybe it's best to just not classify yourself and just be who you want to be at the moment.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I537 using Tapatalk

I'm not even sure what I want to be. The feelings of being a man won't go away. I don't know if I want them to or not. I am lost... I don't know what I want... I just wish I could of been born a male... I want to give up again...

[Dena]

If you have to have a label, the best I can do is a masculine non binary. Gender fluid/bigender is a possibility but there are other possibilities. I am going to give you some links to look at and see if they help. The problem is you might fall into the non binary none of the above in which case a label might not be possible and you just do what you feel. The first link is our WIKI where you can look at the normal terms and see if anything fits. I am giving you "the transition channel" to explore the transsexual site and see if you feel it's a close fit. The remainder of the links are covering the non binary/gender fluid. They may not apply but if not, we can rule them out.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196073.0.html

[Jonathan L]

Just wanted to chime in and say I feel the same way. I've always wanted a male body, but I also really like a lot of clothes coded as "female" in our society like skirts and shawls and lacy things, lol. I struggled with feeling not trans enough for years, but the feelings of being male and the dysphoria of having a "female" body just didn't go away. It got worse. It helped to find other feminine transguys. I think it's a lot more normal than a lot of people realize. And I understand completely what you mean about feeling like if you were a cis guy you would just cross dress sometimes and it would be no big deal. It's so unfair to me how much pressure there is on trans people to prove their genders by behaving a certain way or wearing certain clothes, whereas cis people can wear or do whatever they want and sure they may be harassed or judged for it but no one is going to question their actual gender. Anyway, I've started T and I'm looking forward to the day when I can wear a skirt and be seen as a dude in a skirt and not a girl in a skirt, lol. Let me know if you want some examples of other feminine transguys and I'll post some links for you. I know it helped me a lot to see actual real life examples

[sigsi]

Take note I identify as Neutrois/Agender and want top surgery in my future.
I never really had an appeal for feminine things, but not an over amount of hate towards them either. Before puberty, I could have cared less as clothes was just clothes. Now I probably won't ever go near a dress unless I can pass as male.
I had to wear a frilly dress for some event when I was about 15, and remember thinking to myself that if I was born a guy, I would have no problem wearing the dress in a drag sort of way, or just for fun. The fact that I was born in female body though makes me paranoid to even go near that stuff.

[Gilbert Rose]

Just wanted to chime in and say I feel the same way. I've always wanted a male body, but I also really like a lot of clothes coded as "female" in our society like skirts and shawls and lacy things, lol. I struggled with feeling not trans enough for years, but the feelings of being male and the dysphoria of having a "female" body just didn't go away. It got worse. It helped to find other feminine transguys. I think it's a lot more normal than a lot of people realize. And I understand completely what you mean about feeling like if you were a cis guy you would just cross dress sometimes and it would be no big deal. It's so unfair to me how much pressure there is on trans people to prove their genders by behaving a certain way or wearing certain clothes, whereas cis people can wear or do whatever they want and sure they may be harassed or judged for it but no one is going to question their actual gender. Anyway, I've started T and I'm looking forward to the day when I can wear a skirt and be seen as a dude in a skirt and not a girl in a skirt, lol. Let me know if you want some examples of other feminine transguys and I'll post some links for you. I know it helped me a lot to see actual real life examples

It's nice to know somebody else feels the same way. I think for now I'll stay away from labels... Just a transsexual. Skirts are amazing, aren't they? I'll be wearing one as soon as I've got my T and it's kicked in~ lace items are wonderful, too! I feel fake, for having to hide my love of femmine items... I guess I am just a femmine man. Or an androgynous one.

I've got a bright yellow top laying on my bed which I am just dying to put on, but then it'll define my boobs... I think I might need to buy a binder by now. I don't know why I've been putting it off. All I need to do is ask my keyworker if I could buy one online... Then they can do that... I think for now I'll have to resist the temptation of wearing it.

Okay I couldn't resist. Lol. My body still looks somewhat masculine in it... My shoulders are exposed, but they're a bit broader than girls... And naturally my body hair is a bit darker... I feel like I'm a crossdresser. Shame I have nothing to bind with, I'd probably look very androgynous then. If my nipples didn't show then I'd probably get away with looking like a dude.;~;
  I think that's what I'll be going for. Androgynous fashion sense, but I'm simply a transsexual man.

I think you should try to wear what you're comfortable with, and see if you at the least look androgynous. Unless looking androgynous is something you'd be uncomfortable with. Some other examples of femmine trans guys would be lovely. So nice to know that you and others feel this way! And thank you for helping with my confusion. :3

P.S: any household items you can bind with? I should of brought a binder a while back.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I know it might sound weird, and sorry if I offended anyone... But I wish I could have a boys body now, so then I could wear girls clothes and still pass as male. Just like... I wish I could be a cis man, who likes to crossdress. If that makes sense?

One thing I'm looking forward to post transition is to be able to dress up like Frank N Furter. Like, maybe not the full cosplay but wearing a halter top with no top to halter, if you know what I mean. I really like that look and while I'm not an extroverted person, it would be fun to do that at least once. (Specifically, I like seeing a bodice with no boobs inside, you could call that genderqueer or gender**** or just plain transvestitism.)

I think these sorts of feelings are normal (heck, I know plenty of cis het males who just had to dress up as a sweet ->-bleeped-<- just once at least) and it's just our very femmophobic society that makes us feel like freaks for thinking so.

There's nothing I'd like to wear less than women's normal clothes ( you know, what so many trans women go on and on about -- Walmart business casual wear, or wearing a t-shirt where your breasts show) but part of me does like high heels and halter tops. I mean, maybe it's a fetish or something. I'm not hurting anybody, so who cares? 99% of the time I'm dressed in drab from head to toe and totally comfortable with that.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

P.S: any household items you can bind with? I should of brought a binder a while back.

Unless you are really good at sewing, no. Some people have modified jock straps to be binders, but I don't know how. It's pretty easy to buy binders online. I'd check around ->-bleeped-<- and tumblr for tips on how to do that discreetly.

Just keep in mind that binding is not a long term solution. It could break down tissue to the point where chest surgery is more challenging in the future. Also, some people get so paranoid about any chest bump (note: cis males are not 100% flat) that they bind too tightly and cause themselves all kinds of health problems. I gave up on binding pretty early on and kept myself going with the thought of chest surgery in the future. It's much more accessible now than it was then.

One other thought, I think that if you are at all feminine in this society there is a pressure to hide it and drive it underground. MTF spectrum crossdressers and trans women learn to bury these impulses early, until "the pressure becomes too much" and they dress. FTM spectrum people learn to go as masc as possible to avoid social dysphoria, so any feminine impulse gets squashed. Add to that a social history of being dressed by others in feminine gear so the memory is there. No wonder we get so stressed about clothing. I would recommend Chase Ross (uppercaseCHASE1)'s videos on Youtube. He has a video of one selfie a day for like five years of transition. Early in his transition he dressed very masc (sort of butch lesbian look) and today he wears clothing that gets him pegged as "gay" (even though he's not). It kind of shows how you can ease into more expressive clothing as those T-mediated changes make your face more masculine.

[Gilbert Rose]

I think these sorts of feelings are normal (heck, I know plenty of cis het males who just had to dress up as a sweet ->-bleeped-<- just once at least) and it's just our very femmophobic society that makes us feel like freaks for thinking so.

There's nothing I'd like to wear less than women's normal clothes ( you know, what so many trans women go on and on about -- Walmart business casual wear, or wearing a t-shirt where your breasts show) but part of me does like high heels and halter tops. I mean, maybe it's a fetish or something. I'm not hurting anybody, so who cares? 99% of the time I'm dressed in drab from head to toe and totally comfortable with that.

I've been questioning my means for wanting to dress up as a women. I think for me it's... A bit more of a fetish. Oops. I don't know. Sometimes, I'd like to dress as a women to be able to make a statement. To just wear whatever I want, regardless if it's from the women's section, or if it's a bit... Tacky.

I like fishnets and high heels... Tight dresses. Just wish I had a flat dress for those dresses. If I where to buy a binder, I'd only use it then - when I'm wearing femmine clothing. The idea of one day having had all of my surgery, and looking like a man... And to be able to wear my lovely high heels, fishnets and right dress... Maybe a wig, too. Aaaah. <3

God, does it feel weird to talk about this! I feel less fake now, and like I'm being more honest.

The problem with most good binders, is that they're not strapless. I did find a good strapless binder once, but I've lost all memory of it. Didn't think it was something I needed.

[Kanzaki]

Occasionally, I'll dress up and put on a wig and makeup, even though I don't feel like a girl, nor do I want to be one. Which creates a few conflicts when it comes to the diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I don't know how it is anywhere else, but in my country, they ask questions such as "did you refuse to wear skirts and dresses?" and the like. Well, on the one hand I did refuse to wear them, on the other I can't deny that I occasionally used to put them on because I liked how they look, and that i still do that sometimes. It doesn't influence the fact that I feel like a guy, not a girl, though. If you feel the same way I do, you're probably a trans guy who likes to crossdress. That being said, only you can decide, so don't feel pressured to choose sides based on what people tell you.

Also, is your username by any chance a reference to Pandora Hearts?

[Gilbert Rose]

Occasionally, I'll dress up and put on a wig and makeup, even though I don't feel like a girl, nor do I want to be one. Which creates a few conflicts when it comes to the diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I don't know how it is anywhere else, but in my country, they ask questions such as "did you refuse to wear skirts and dresses?" and the like. Well, on the one hand I did refuse to wear them, on the other I can't deny that I occasionally used to put them on because I liked how they look, and that i still do that sometimes. It doesn't influence the fact that I feel like a guy, not a girl, though. If you feel the same way I do, you're probably a trans guy who likes to crossdress. That being said, only you can decide, so don't feel pressured to choose sides based on what people tell you.

Also, is your username by any chance a reference to Pandora Hearts?

I didn't expect to find so many people like me!! Oh my goodness! I've always just blamed this behavior on my homosexuality and transsexuality... I guess that was a bit of stereotyping from me. It's so comforting to know other transsexual males feel this way. That they want to dress up as a women now and again.

I wish I had your confidence to dress up, put a wig on and do my makeup like you do. I'd probably only wear lipstick when it comes to makeup, but still... Your confidence to do all three of those things is amazing!

Yeah, I see how that would get in the way of a diagnosis. Maybe you might have to lie...? I'm not recommending or saying you have to. That's what I'm doing though. Because then, once I'm on hormonal therapy, I can dress as a women... And I guess I will have to proceed in hiding it.

Asking those questions shouldn't get you a diagnosis, though. It should be about the now, surely? Your childhood and teen years can help towards a diagnosis, yes, but it shouldn't be purely based on that. Think about it. There are adults out there, who dressed in pink and dresses all the time as young children. But then what? They stopped at the teen years, never did it again and don't miss it. Like how there must be adults out there who explored dressing as a women in their teens. That exploration doesn't necessarily mean that they are a transsexual.

If I may ask, what country/state are you located in? It doesn't sound like their ways of diagnosing are so up to date.

When it comes to labels... Yeah, I'd say I'm a transsexual crossdresser. Maybe a transsexual ->-bleeped-<-... Either way, we've got a label. Huh. I find ease in having a label to be able to keep to myself... I don't know. Makes it easy to explain things to others who are wondering what's going on and why.

YES MY USERNAME IS! You're the first person to realise that! My name is Ozzy, which I got from Oz... And I love pandora hearts. Also bunnies are one of my favorite animals... It all fits nicely.
Pandora hearts is the first manga I started reading, I'm still only on like vol. 19 and I love it.

[Kanzaki]

I wish I had your confidence to dress up, put a wig on and do my makeup like you do. I'd probably only wear lipstick when it comes to makeup, but still... Your confidence to do all three of those things is amazing!

Well, I might do all three, but that doesn't mean I go into public with it. I did a few times, but I prefer not to since people will likely just think I'm "just a girl after all" or something. And if I were to happen to meet new people, they'd assume I'm a girl. So I mostly just take pictures and keep them for myself, occasionally sharing them with friends.

Yeah, I see how that would get in the way of a diagnosis. Maybe you might have to lie...? I'm not recommending or saying you have to. That's what I'm doing though. Because then, once I'm on hormonal therapy, I can dress as a women... And I guess I will have to proceed in hiding it.

I personally have lied about it, but that's mostly because the country I'm in isn't as advanced so I'm a bit scared because of that, and I have anxiety issues so I'm a bit paranoid about everything.

If I may ask, what country/state are you located in? It doesn't sound like their ways of diagnosing are so up to date.

I'd rather not say, as it could potentially out me (and again anxiety here because everyone can read this post). Their ways of diagnosis should be updated, and I'm going to the best doctor in the country, but I'm still scared.

YES MY USERNAME IS! You're the first person to realise that! My name is Ozzy, which I got from Oz... And I love pandora hearts. Also bunnies are one of my favorite animals... It all fits nicely.
Pandora hearts is the first manga I started reading, I'm still only on like vol. 19 and I love it.

It's only natural that I'd notice, Pandora Hearts is my all-time favorite manga and it's the only one I've ever decided to buy the entire set for. Can't say I liked the anime as much though. It was definitely nice, especially the soundtracks (I can't stress how much I love Kajiura Yuki), but they didn't get very far in the plot before it ended.

[FtMitch]

I've been questioning my means for wanting to dress up as a women. I think for me it's... A bit more of a fetish. Oops. I don't know. Sometimes, I'd like to dress as a women to be able to make a statement. To just wear whatever I want, regardless if it's from the women's section, or if it's a bit... Tacky.

I won't go into detail on this, but I have been a part of the BDSM community for years, and crossdressing is a very, VERY common fetish.  WAY more men than you know like to crossdress.  And I'm talking your everyday straight, cis man.  I know judges, cops, teachers, businessmen, etc who crossdress in certain clubs.  As for just wanting to make a statement, do whatever the heck you want.  But crossdressing really isn't abnormal for anyone.  It's just something people tend to keep very, very secret because it's not accepted by society.

[Kanzaki]

I won't go into detail on this, but I have been a part of the BDSM community for years, and crossdressing is a very, VERY common fetish.  WAY more men than you know like to crossdress.  And I'm talking your everyday straight, cis man.  I know judges, cops, teachers, businessmen, etc who crossdress in certain clubs.  As for just wanting to make a statement, do whatever the heck you want.  But crossdressing really isn't abnormal for anyone.  It's just something people tend to keep very, very secret because it's not accepted by society.

I have to agree with this. I personally know multiple straight cis guys who have a thing for crossdressing too, which made me realize it was actually much more common than people like to portray it as.

That being said, I've had a question for a while now that I've been afraid to ask since it might seem insensitive or outright offensive in some way or another. If a trans guy who is pre-T and pre-op dresses as a woman, is it crossdressing? Since crossdressing is seen as dressing as the opposite sex, I can't really come up with a definitive answer for this myself, and have been wondering about the opinion of other people on this. One (cis) person I know said they think it isn't, but that whether or not it's crossdressing really has to do more with how well the person passes in their daily life.

[Gilbert Rose]

I have to agree with this. I personally know multiple straight cis guys who have a thing for crossdressing too, which made me realize it was actually much more common than people like to portray it as.

That being said, I've had a question for a while now that I've been afraid to ask since it might seem insensitive or outright offensive in some way or another. If a trans guy who is pre-T and pre-op dresses as a woman, is it crossdressing? Since crossdressing is seen as dressing as the opposite sex, I can't really come up with a definitive answer for this myself, and have been wondering about the opinion of other people on this. One (cis) person I know said they think it isn't, but that whether or not it's crossdressing really has to do more with how well the person passes in their daily life.

I have two personal opinions when it comes to this. Firstly, if you are something, then you just are. Like how I've known that I was a homosexual boy since about five or six years old. Just because I haven't taken any T or had surgery, doesn't mean I'm not a boy. And even though my body is of a females, I still see myself as a homosexual. As I'm a guy who likes guys. Homosexual.

But that's due to me naturally labeling myself at five or six years old. I naturally saw myself as a boy who liked boys, so came to the conclusion that I was homosexual. I've seen myself as a homosexual boy ever since. Someone else cannot change that.

But when it comes to the outside world, I would say that as soon as your passing very regularly/100%, then you are, as seen by society, a man. A homosexual man. A crossdresser/->-bleeped-<-.

I naturally think I am the other sex, and regardless of my internal organs or chromosomes, I'm a male. My sex is male in my mind. But until I've started passing very regularly, I won't be seen that way.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

That being said, I've had a question for a while now that I've been afraid to ask since it might seem insensitive or outright offensive in some way or another. If a trans guy who is pre-T and pre-op dresses as a woman, is it crossdressing? Since crossdressing is seen as dressing as the opposite sex, I can't really come up with a definitive answer for this myself, and have been wondering about the opinion of other people on this. One (cis) person I know said they think it isn't, but that whether or not it's crossdressing really has to do more with how well the person passes in their daily life.

Don't ask a cis person about gender non conforming unless they're GNC or GV themselves because they're guaranteed not to get it. That said, it's all about the motivation, right?

A transmasculine person who dresses in feminine clothing could be doing it to avoid censure from friends/family, to stay in the closet, to try to drown their masculine urges with femininity, etc. Or they could be dressing because they are male inside but feel the urge to cross dress and this is cross dressing to them. If you're wondering if an FTM spectrum person is in drag or not, just ask them.

People who dress dress for a variety of reasons as well, so don't expect uniformity there either. But whether it's drag or not comes down to how that person feels inside.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

OT but dang, Mitch, you look good in your new profile pic. 

[Kanzaki]

Don't ask a cis person about gender non conforming unless they're GNC or GV themselves because they're guaranteed not to get it. That said, it's all about the motivation, right?

I know. I was just curious about their opinion on it, it gives better insight on what to expect from the general population.

A transmasculine person who dresses in feminine clothing could be doing it to avoid censure from friends/family, to stay in the closet, to try to drown their masculine urges with femininity, etc. Or they could be dressing because they are male inside but feel the urge to cross dress and this is cross dressing to them. If you're wondering if an FTM spectrum person is in drag or not, just ask them.

People who dress dress for a variety of reasons as well, so don't expect uniformity there either. But whether it's drag or not comes down to how that person feels inside.

Yeah, I guess you're right about that one. Personally it's always been crossdressing to me, even when I was nowhere near out or passing at all. That being said, I really just wanted to hear opinions on the matter.

[Jonathan L]

Oh, I'm definitely going for androgyny. I think that's how I've always seen myself and how I've always wanted to look: an androgynous man. Anyway, here's a link to a similar topic I posted awhile ago. I posted some links to feminine trans guys there. As for crossdressing, I have mixed feelings about that term because no one ever calls it crossdressing when girls wear pants or "boys" clothes. So I just never understood why it was considered crossdressing or drag if a guy wore a skirt or a dress. I wore skirts and dresses for years because I like to dress up and I like feeling attractive and when I tried to wear more masculine clothes I would get really depressed because it didn't look right to me. I was always expecting to look like a cis guy and with my hourglass figure that was never going to happen. But I didn't really think of myself as crossdressing. I was just wearing clothes.