Quote from: RenegadeGirl on June 28, 2016, 03:44:01 PM
I don't know the full details of your relationship with your Dad, but to me it sounds like he is very selective about what he wants to acknowledge, which isn't great at all when there is something really important you want to talk to him about. Obviously I'm just saying how things seem from what you've told us, but I'm not surprised that you have strong anxiety about coming out or even talking about your feelings after the only person you chose to confide in turned a blind eye. It is so important to remember though that everyone is different, and there are loads of people who will be a thousand times more supportive than your Father, people like your therapist who only want to help you through all the distress you feel every day.
Lily
No, you pegged him right. Only things he's ever interested in talking about are what he wants to talk about. Whenever I bring something up he's basically groaning he's so uninterested, or he says how that's the way the world is, just forget it, like it shouldn't bother me because the world is ->-bleeped-<- or something.
My father has a tendency to get angry pretty easily, he always says he's not angry, but if you'd hear his voice you'd think he was. So over the years, I've been saying less and less to him because of how it always ends up going bad for me no matter what I say, to the point that now most of what I say is just in my head and never out loud.
And awhile back I confronted him about this, I practically begged him to try and stay calmer when we talk about things like crap in the world, or most recently about my money, and I told him how I've basically become absolutely terrified to say anything to him, because how he sounds at those times scares the crap out of me now, and upsets the hell out of me. And I told him that I don't want to feel like that, like I can't tell him things. And how the last time I told him something, it didn't even turn out badly and I felt like I was having a panic attack. And it was just about a game I bought on sale. For 16 dollars.
And how does he respond? By doing exactly what I begged him, pleaded with him basically, not to do. And not even about what I was saying, no, it's like he didn't hear a word I said, probably because he really doesn't give two flying ->-bleeped-<-s how I feel about anything, no, he goes off on how, You have to save your money better! You don't need to buy anything, it doesn't matter if you want it!
So yeah, he's basically a piece of ->-bleeped-<-. And he doesn't even believe he is whatsoever. I sure as hell am never gonna mention it, knowing how badly telling him that other thing went.
QuoteThis seems to be pretty common with us.
Several years ago I did a remodel of our master bath. At the time, I had a pretty good idea that I secretly wanted a female body, was dressing in secret, and had been this way for decades. In the remodel, without any conscious thought regarding my dysphoria, I got rid of the huge low topped double vanity and wall sized mirror. I installed jack-n-jill high topped single vanities, each with its own oval adjustable tilt mirror.
It wasn't til recently that I consciously realized that the setup made it impossible to see anything below the waist in the mirrors as I walked between the shower and closet. Tricksy subconscious minds...
My minds kinda the exact opposite, I can't stop obsessing and looking at things that upset me, it's why I try to avoid the mirror as much as possible, cause if I look I'll end up standing there fretting over how much it bothers me for several minutes. And taking showers have basically become miserable for me. Which really sucks as I take one every day. It's the only way I can wake up.
I'm just looking my body over all, ugh, especially my chest, I hate how flat it is, and I'm constantly looking down at it, or I'm like squeezing the skin on my chest together to like, like pinching, and it's not the same obviously, but when I look down while doing that my chest isn't flat, and it feels good for a moment. But it's every shower like this.
I've never been able to stop looking at things that upset me. It's like, very minor example, that Kevin Smith movie Tusk. When I first watched the trailer, the plotline upset me so much, and I knew there was no way in hell I ever wanted to see that movie. And I still haven't, and never will. But every so often since then I find myself either looking up details on the plot, or once even images of what the ending looks like, and everytime it upsets the hell out of me, and yet eventually I still look again. Though maybe not for Tusk, but something else, but my point still stands.
