I have a close friend who is transgender (mtf) and is about to begin transition. Personality-wise there are two versions of her: a facade that she has to put up in public of a standoffish male, and the version of her I have come to know that appears when she drops that facade, which is a tomboyish gamer girl who is very kind, has a pretty smile, and a quirky, sarcastic sense of humor.
The two of us met due to a strong shared interest in gaming, both tabletop and video gaming, and that's formed the basis for our lasting friendship. If anything, she's even a more hardcore gamer than I am. And interestingly enough, she has never really expressed much interest in stereotypically feminine things. She has always known she was trans since the beginning and has never tried to make herself "be a man" as it were.
I have always been encouraging her to go farther in transition because she is clearly uncomfortable with herself as she is; however, I recently ran across some information that absolutely terrified me. I have read several accounts of people's thought processes, perceptions, and senses changing during hormone therapy, as well as mention of personality traits and even interests shifting. One notable similarity seemed to be that trans women were claiming less interest in video games after starting HRT and more interest in "girly" things.
Two accounts were especially frightening. One was from a trans woman who had been off and on HRT at different times over the course of 20 years, and described her changes like this:
QuoteI used to kid my girlfriend about her cleaning habits. No matter where she was she always felt obligated to clean up. I've always at least cleaned up after myself but not to the point she does. Even if we're in a bar she'll take everything in front of us bring it up to the bar, ask for a rag and wipe up the place we were sitting in front of. She'd even do this kind of thing in other peoples homes. I'd explain that's what waitresses are paid for. Now after restarting hormones for a couple of months I find myself doing the same thing everywhere I go. Even others have noticed. My bartender recently pointed that out to me. I don't even think about it.
Another change is I've always been into video games. I'd spend hours at it. I even had a web site devoted too it. Suddenly I stopped and lost all intrest and closed the site and stopped playing. While I've never been a sports nut I always at least watched the major games especially when the local teams were playing. Now I'm not intrested at all. Out of the blue I developed an intrest in sewing. I used to throw out shirts with missing buttons and now I'm making myself an apron. Wow! Does this mean at the family holiday gatherings I'll automatically start washing dishes with the girls instead of watching football with the guys? I tend to think so. The wierd thing is my behavior is changing and I'm not even offically out of the closet yet, though that will be soon. Even the words I've used have changed all without even thinking about it. It makes me wonder who creates stereo-types. Is it really society or hormones? Fortunatley I don't mind these changes. In fact I embrace them.
The second was a really strange account from someone who had been on HRT for only 22 weeks and described the following:
QuoteMy preferences have changed, the kinds of music I like have changed, the kinds of television I watch has changed, the books I'm interested in reading and writing have changed, the type of person I want to be and see myself becoming has changed. There is little about me that is still the same as it was a year ago, and yet I am still me.
QuoteWhen we walk through the skyway after work we feel different than we used to. When we look in the mirror we feel different than we used to. When we see pictures of ourselves we feel different. When we are at work we think about different things. When we are around others we talk about different things. When we watch television at home we watch different things, and not just different shows but different genres of shows. When we read books we read different genres of books. When we surf the internet we like and share different things than we used to.
Everyone goes through this as they age, as it is a natural part of life, but our experience is beyond the simple passing of time. These are not simply the fading fancies of youth passing away from us as we mature into a full fledge adult, these are fundamental shifts in personality and perceptions.
HRT has made us a different person. True there are still hints of the person we used to be but the changed pieces are becoming the majority rather quickly. It's like we are an old car that has had the majority of its parts replaced with newly manufactured parts. On the exterior we may resemble the body we were before, but underneath the surface almost everything is different. The way that old car runs is different, the way that it rides on the road is different, the sounds it makes when it starts up is different, and the experience one has while driving it is different, yet it is the "same" car that it used to be.
Another list of experiences is discussed on
this thread.
I find this very hard to believe; I was always under the impression that transition wouldn't change a person's personality and interests, just improve their emotional state and put them at peace with themselves. The core person would remain the same, maybe with some changes in emotions and possibly sexuality. Apparently there are also a few studies showing that brain patterns before and after HRT are different.
I'm now honestly really afraid of this. I had wanted her to be able to drop the facade completely and be more comfortable with expressing her true inner self publicly all the time. But yet these posts all suggest that she will instead switch over to a third, more "girly" version of herself over time. Being a gamer is such a big and important part of her identity that if she loses that she definitely wouldn't be herself anymore.
I'm confused. I had always maintained that trans people were fundamentally their target gender in terms of brain structure and HRT only removed dysphoria and allowed the body to match what was in the mind.
I have to ask because, while I would never want the quirky tomboy gamer girl I know to have to live as her old male self, I want her to stay the same quirky tomboy gamer girl I've always known and not have to become a twisted, super-feminine girly version of herself that bears little resemblance to the girl I know her to be. Point is, I just want to see her be herself, as I know her, and not end up erasing that identity with mind-altering hormones.
I have discussed this with her, and she has reassured me that the person I have known is the real her, and that she won't be any different other then being more comfortable, happier, and more confident, as well as potentially more emotional than before. She described that a lot of what people have said about shifting to more feminine interests are the result of finally having the freedom to be one's self rather than hiding previous ones, and that a lot of trans women also play video games less because they used them as an escape from depression and don't have to anymore. She's told me that she also won't have anything to prove by jumping into a bunch of girly interests after HRT, and that she'll always just continue to be herself. Yet there is also a trend of people being completely unprepared for changes made by hormones, and so I don't know whether what she said will ultimately be true in the end.
Are any of these fears founded in reality? Is the woman I knew going to be gone, replaced by someone else?
