Making mental progress

[artichokedescriber]

So it's been a week since my big self-admittance and I've made a good deal of mental progress.

As far as I can decide by myself now I would identify as MTF. It's still scary overturning everything I've ever done and seeing the other side of me that was lurking in the shadows all this time but it all just seems to confirm the self diagnosis. I have only been interested in women up until this point but looking back there have been certain vicarious themes in the relationships. It would always irk me on some level when a girlfriend would wear shoes that I personally wouldn't have chosen and one girl had this bag that I couldn't stand...  Though I recognize that some of my attraction to women was out of idolization, at this point (pre-everything) I am still primarily attracted to women though the idea that HRT could change this doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

I've also been trying to pick out a female name and mentally attach it to myself to in order to help along my self actualization as at this point it still feels like the impossible dream. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I remember that before sleeping I was convinced I was transgender and then in a fleeting moment of doubt and fear I tell myself I'm not... right before I tell myself too bad because you are and that's just how it is. If I think how I want my life to be in 5 years time I would like to be "myself" full time but even so it just doesn't feel achievable, it doesn't feel like it could really happen.

The biggest problem I have now though is with my current work/living/life situation a rapid transition is not possible. If I decide I want to go through with this I will either have to take it slowly somehow or just not do it for another year or so but the thought of delaying it any longer than I already have is painful in itself.

Sometimes I rather wish all this wasn't true and I'm trying very hard not to convince myself it isn't. My mind wants so badly to just crawl back into the soft cozy shell of denial and forget I thought any of it.

Does this sound familiar to anybody at all? Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just being stupid about the whole thing.

[AxelM07]

You don't have a thing to be worried about. What you're thinking right now sounds perfectly normal. I sometimes still have thoughts of wanting to wake up cisgender, or thinking that I should've never figured out that I'm trans, and at this point I'm quite far in to my social transition. My advice here is to not let these thoughts get to you. You're being honest and true to yourself, and that in itself is amazing.

Also, don't worry about still being attracted to girls. That doesn't make you any less of a girl yourself; that's just what you're attracted to. If HRT happens to change that preference, so be it. Love is love.

Some advice for picking out a name: Baby name sites. They're everywhere. Look through them and see if you find any that you like. Don't be afraid to try them out online, or with close friends if you're out to them. And if you decide you want a different name down the road, that's perfectly fine! A lot of people experiment with different names before they find the one they want. Some people even go by multiple names.

Don't worry about not being able to transition quickly right now. Everyone wants to, but transitioning slowly gives you time to settle in with and be comfortable with your new life. Take your time, you'll be fine.

If you have any more questions or concerns, this is a community full of supportive people who will help you in any way they can, myself included. We're always here if you need anything.

Have a lovely day, and I hope everything works out okay!
~Axel