I am in the middle of my twenties and afab. Because I am from Germany, my English might be pretty bad and almost incomprehensible at times. Feel free to ask questions if you do not understand something.
I do not know where to start, but here I go. Since I was a kid, I always liked to take the male role when I was playing pretend games with my twinsister. I loved to imagine myself as a prince in a fairy tale setting for example, or I as a male character from the cartoons we were watching at that time. But I was never any good at sports, like football for example, so I rather prefered indoor activities and reading, or playing with "feminine" toys. I believe that around that time, I also wished for the first time that I really would be a boy myself. Also my body. I did not know where this wish came from, as I was far from masculine, and I still do not know. I nearly told no one about my thoughts of my gender identity at that time. When I tried to explain it to my sister, she made fun of me because she did not understand and thought I had 'invisible friends'. I am also usually a boy when I dream, as long as I can remember. In my dreams, when I am a girl often something negatives happens (someone makes fun of me, I want to get rid of my breasts etc.)
When I got older, I hoped that this thoughts of wanting to be a boy would disappear. Instead, they became more intense. Sometimes, they are only in the back of my head, on other days I thought I want to die if I can not be a man. I never found any joy in buying cute clothes or looking pretty. When I buy a dress for example, I think about how pretty it looks and I buy it, but when I wear it, it feels like a costume. If I look in the mirror, I see a good looking woman, but I am still unsatisfied, I do not feel like I am that woman. I cut my hair short now and wear baggy clothes, or suits, and I feel a little bit better. But not good. Because I have full lips and rather soft facial features, I still do not look like a boy at all.
When I got a little older, I discovered role playing and I it felt so good to role play as a man. It was the only time when someone said to me:'Oh, the way you write is very masculine, I thought you really were a boy.' That made me happy, even though this might sound very childish. I dream of the day when I get mistaken for a man in real life, but that will never happen, and I know it.
I know that my family and friends are pretty tolerant when it comes to the topic of transgender. But still, I know that no one of them could see me as a man. They would think that I am just saying that because I want to make myself more interesting (that was what my twin sister said to me when I came out as a lesbian some years ago), or they would tell me that they can not see me as a man because I look so feminine and have mostly 'female' hobbies. And in my heart, I am so insecure myself. Is there maybe someone out there who has felt the same way and can relate to my experiences? How can I get rid of the thought of wanting to be a man? And if I can not get rid of it, how can I know if I am 'really' trans?
I do not know what I hope to achieve by opening this topic, I guess I just had to get it of my chest. If I wrote something offensive, please feel free to inform me of it and I will not make the same mistake again.
Kind Regards, Mercin.
