This is going to be a very long post and I'm gonna be ranting quite a bit because I have nobody to talk to, so I apologize in advance:
Back when I was 15 and thought I wanted to have hormones and both top and bottom surgeries, my family basically shoved me back into the closet and told me I'd never be accepted. A few years later when Thomas Beatie was being talked about on the radio, my dad scoffed and called him a freak, shoving me back into the closet even further.
I eventually decided against surgery because of severe social anxiety, the fact that my body is sensitive and may not take well to it and bottom surgery isn't as advanced, plus even with surgeries and hormones I probably won't pass (I also have interstitial cystitis and have heard that T can make bladder flares worsen). I just wish I knew what transgender meant back when I was 15. I wish that this superior narrative of "people only being trans after they go through hormones and surgery" didn't exist. If it weren't for people and the media continually reinforcing that narrative, I would've have had to go through ten years of struggling and feeling guilty and feeling as if I am a freak that doesn't belong anywhere. If I had known what being trans really meant, I would've felt valid throughout this past decade.
In 2014/2015 I started hearing the term "transgender" and didn't really think much of it. I had bought into that transphobic narrative. I did more research on it and in August 2015, I finally came to realize that I've never been a girl/woman. All this time I have been a guy and for the first time, I just felt so much relief; relief that I'm not the only one who feels like this. That relief was very short-lived because I became aware of possibly the biggest root of my depression-- gender dysphoria. It basically sky-rocketed the moment I became aware of my true gender, and how often I get misgendered. As the months went by, my dysphoria, anxiety and depression became so severe I had multiple breakdowns and was on the verge of committing suicide. I couldn't hold it in anymore so I came out again to my mom. She claimed to support me, only to tell me "there is a reason why people transition later in life" and that what people think of me is more important. After coming out to her, she still misgenders me, has told me to "pull my big girl panties up" when I was having severe gender dysphoria and a mental breakdown, she doesn't understand what being trans is at all.
On December 27, 2015, I finally came out to my fiance about being transgender. We've been together since May 14, 2010, and he has been one of those guys who has made fun about men in the LGBT+ community (I fell in love with him long before he started cracking these jokes, and we've had arguments over it before he finally stopped doing it) and I was terrified of how he'd act. He was shocked and surprised me by saying that he accepts me and asked me why I hid it for so long. A couple weeks later when I think all is well... he misgenders me. I let it slide. A couple days later he tells me "hurry up, woman". The next day he calls me "woman", God, I don't know, up to ten times that day. And it continues. My sanity starts to slip, I feel the suicidal feelings creeping back, so in March I break down and tell him to stop misgendering. As I remind him I'm a trans guy, he freaks out on me. Apparantly everything I told him went over his head and he thought I was telling him I was attracted to trans people (To this day I'm still thinking "How the hell did you confuse my trans identity as my pansexuality). He yells at me about how I "lied to him" and kept this a secret and that it's going to ruin his career as a local singer. After awhile, he calms down and says we can make this work. He apologizes for saying the hurtful things he said and we move on. Not long after... he misgenders me again.
In April I break down again and ask him if he wants me to pretend to be straight and cisgender. He gets mad, tells me to accept myself and not care what others think and move on. So time goes by... and the same ->-bleeped-<- keeps happening.
Last night I was upset and he asked me about it. I told him about the Orlando shooting and how it's affected the LGBT+ community. And then he tells me something I'm never going to forget-- he told me that I am not part of the LGBT community; that I have to go to "gay clubs" and be actively protesting in order for me to be part of this community. I couldn't take anymore and I started having a panic attack, borderline hyperventilating and all. I know for a fact that I am a trans man and I am pansexual, but when I have these attacks, I am not in the right mindset and I will say crazy ->-bleeped-<- that I don't actually believe (it's like it's a weak attempt to get people in the wrong to see how they are acting). I said to him, while crying, "So what am I? I thought I was trans and pan, but... what am I? Should I just be a cisgender ally?" And he says, "What's wrong with that?" ......... Right now I'm still crying over that ->-bleeped-<-. I can't get over it. Not only did completely contradict himself by saying he supports me and that I should be myself only to turn around and say "NOT TRANS ENOUGH"; he's using that same bull->-bleeped-<- trans-superior theory. After that my panic attack got worse and he got mad. I remember at one point he yelled at me, "If you were trans and pan, you would not be with a straight guy!!!" At another point, this conversation happened:
Fiance: This is your fault!
Me: So society and everybody I knew, telling me that I was wrong and lying to myself is my fault???
Fiance: Well, you should've done your research about it back then! Not wait ten years!
After awhile, he calmed down and once again told me that he's with me because he loves me and I shouldn't pretend to be something I'm not (staight, cis) and that I should accept myself as trans. I'm so confused by him. I love this guy and he's really not a bad person. Like lots of cis people, he's bought into the "norms" of society and when their secure little bubbles are brought new information, it's like they refuse to let go... or have a hard time letting go anyways. He has a seven year old daughter from a previous relationship (I've known my step-daughter since she was thirteen months old) and I'm worried that she's either gonna grow up to be an ignorant cis girl if she's cis, or a self-hating trans boy/ non binary person because of the anti-trans things we see in the media. I don't believe her mom is very accepting of the trans community either so I have absolutely NO say in teaching her about other gender identies or even intersex people. My fiance and I have two biological children together (both assigned male at birth) and I'm trying my hardest to stay strong for them... but this is really taking a toll on my mental health. My physical health isn't that great either due to my I.C-- and stress can make bladder flares skyrocket. I don't know what to do. I'm holding on because I love my fiance, despite the hurtful things he's said and done. I love my three kids and I want to be there for them throughout their lives, especially if any of them end up not being cis. But I don't know what to do. I've talked to my doctor, councellour and my home visitor and they all suggested that I go to the Rainbow Resource Center (place that specializes in LGBT+ issues in my city), but I can't go until I get respite (or someone to watch my kids). I've been on a waiting list for months for respite, and still nothing. I have no non-related friends, my fiance is the owner of a painting company and works hard all the time (could be why he's so stressed and irritable), my mom works fulltime, my dad has his own business and my mom insists I keep my gender a secret from him anyway, my sister who has been the most awesome and accepting person to me works fulltime too so I'm basically ->-bleeped-<- out of luck. With nobody to talk to, no transgender friends... I just feel so alone and miserable. I'm a stay-at-home parent and a house spouse, but lately I haven't been able to focus on much other than the hate that's directed towards us, how I don't measure up to the standards of being fully accepted as transgender, how other people refuse to accept me as a guy because I cry too much (that and me liking adorable things are literally the only "feminine" things about me), it's just getting to be so overwhelming. I feel guilty for not being the greatest parent towards my kids. I'm so caught up in this, so dysphoric, my depression is so severe, I can't pay attention to them as much or even be that happy around them. I don't want them to grow up with a depressed parent bringing them down and making them depressed too, but I'm really at a loss of what to do. I'm just wondering... has anybody on here been though this situation? I know I'm not alone in this, but I feel so isolated and I don't know how much time I have left before transphobia and depression win, and I end up finally taking my life.