Boiling the frog

[Megan.]

If I'm getting free flights to Oz, I might genuinely consider it haha.

[JoanneB]

I tend to over analyze things to death. It's an occupational hazard which pays well in my case.

Part of my doubt, along with what was a major concern of my wife, is "The cheering section" factor. Otherwise known as your support structure. In essence just how much 'encouragement' do you get from say a therapist, TG Support group, friends, perhaps even family? My wife used a variation of the Ugly Duckling story; "If you hang around with geese you may begin to think that you are a swan" (Yes, she is weird, and lovable). In my TG Support group every other member had either transitioned to full-time or were earnestly working towards it. I was the lone duck there looking to...'survive'.

Seven years later I am still looking to survive. There have been a lot of changes made starting with the inside and working their way to the outside. I still live and present primarily as male. While early on I had plenty of WTF Am I Doing meltdowns, today if one tries to sneak up on me just one simple look in the mirror to see Joanne looking back is all that is needed to confirm my true inner feelings.

Making changes are scary with all the unknowns. The questions you drive yourself crazy trying to answer. Of course you may be hesitant. Yet I suspect in spite of any cheering section there was something deep down inside that spoke to you. After taking that step there was that voice again saying how happy they are now it is taken. Happy at seeing in time the end results of that step. Now confused over all the fuss before since most if not all that you fretted over was really... nothing or never happened. That it feels Right.

But if there isn't? Perhaps more work is needed on the inside first?

[Megan.]

JoanneB, when I first joined here, your story and approach appealed greatly to me. I was keen to keep my family together. But without any real encouragement from others, and having spent way more than a few hours with an excellent therapist, who has remained very neutral to her credit, I can say that a full transition is something I anyways WANTED. My biggest problem was did I NEED it. My journey has slowly lead me to the conclusion that I do, and in fact these have become one and the same. I will continue to take baby steps forward, and I'm always ready to change my view if my feelings change.

[JoanneB]

I've been spending years analyzing Need To vs Want To. I am thankful I do not need to, Yet. Though there are days....

[Stevie]

Oh, they do. I was a software engineer from 1981 until 2004. I still think that way. This is really much like that. You visualize the end product. Determine what individual steps you need to get there and revise your design when the real world doesn't match what you assumed. Emotions certainly come into it, but for me, my emotions were so tightly controlled I barely acknowledged their existence. Transitioning allowed me to feel and process them properly for the first time. I would have transitioned into an aardvark to gain that.

Being logical and analytical prolonged my suffering by several decades, it was only when I acted  on how I felt that I found any solace.

[2cherry]

Since finally confronting my feelings over 18 months ago, I have taken many incremental steps towards a potential transition. Therapy, weight loss, laser hair removal, building a wardrobe, hair transplant, learning makeup, voice training, leaving my family, coming out to friends and family, increasingly going out in public and now an HRT trial. Playing the devils advocate, and in reference to the title of this post, is it possible to end up doing something that I would never do, just by following a series of small steps? Does this make the final destination invalid or worse, simply incorrect? I'd appreciate any thoughts others might have on this.

It is indeed an interesting thought... and maybe it is just that: a thought. I think I can spin it in all directions, even philosophically: all things transition if life, nothing remains the same... maybe that's why I don't like analogies...

But practical: It can feel as if you're growing into it, and fearing you might go beyond what you feel comfortable with. Then you would feel or notice it when you're not comfortable with it. Do you think you reached that point? or is it simply reflecting on where you are going and where you've been? I think it's good to reflect, it's a healthy sign you don't act on impulse but on reflective thoughts...

[Dee Marshall]

Being logical and analytical prolonged my suffering by several decades, it was only when I acted  on how I felt that I found any solace.

Oh, no doubt. For me it wasn't logic and analysis. I was well aware that uninformed logic can be a trap and can justify anything. Garbage In, Garbage Out. For me it was being "noble" and "self sacrificing". Our condition, even though I didn't understand it or realize that I had it, made my esteem very low and that made it very easy to sacrifice my own well being for the benefit of others. I knew there was something unknown wrong with me, I was desperate to be loved and terrified that someone would realize what a "horrible" person I was and I did everything I could for external validation. The one thing I feared most was losing my wife, but my spiraling unhappiness and unwillingness to do for myself was making that happen anyway. When I began to think that there was nothing left in my life worth living for, and then found out what transgender really means it didn't take long for me to gamble everything. Upshot? We're getting a divorce because Randi "isn't a lesbian", but living together more happily than we have in years. At least so it seems to me.

[Stevie]

Oh, no doubt. For me it wasn't logic and analysis. I was well aware that uninformed logic can be a trap and can justify anything. Garbage In, Garbage Out. For me it was being "noble" and "self sacrificing". Our condition, even though I didn't understand it or realize that I had it, made my esteem very low and that made it very easy to sacrifice my own well being for the benefit of others. I knew there was something unknown wrong with me, I was desperate to be loved and terrified that someone would realize what a "horrible" person I was and I did everything I could for external validation. The one thing I feared most was losing my wife, but my spiraling unhappiness and unwillingness to do for myself was making that happen anyway. When I began to think that there was nothing left in my life worth living for, and then found out what transgender really means it didn't take long for me to gamble everything. Upshot? We're getting a divorce because Randi "isn't a lesbian", but living together more happily than we have in years. At least so it seams to me.

Dee,
Your story is so similar to mine , I am still having issues with with putting others before myself to my own detriment.