Hello everyone, I'm a 28 year old male from The Netherlands. I have never really joined in on any trans forums before so I am looking very much forward to meeting you all!
I have always wanted very much to be a woman, and I've been very jealous of other women for the longest of time. I never really felt sexually attracted to anyone and I've been very un-accepting of myself.
I live together with my soon to be wife in Romania for 2+ years now, she's very supportive of me and she can very much relate with my gender identity struggles as she felt masculine herself often in life.
We met online playing games together while we were both in a very difficult part of our lives. Her grandfather passed away and I was struggling with my Zoology studies and self-identity.
I never finished my education and quit near the end, a very tumultuous year followed as I kept it secret to my parents as they had very high expectations of me. I lied about it entirely, whenever I had to go to the university I hid somewhere in the library and in the meantime I visited a sexologist who helped me find out more about myself.
I still love and respect my parents, however since they began drinking alcohol anger tantrums and unreasonable situations occurred, they always forgot about it the next morning. I have tried to explain my feelings about wanting to be a woman but they dismissed it as "just a phase" or "anyone goes through that".
One night however things went out of control, I said something silly at the wrong time as my father was drinking his whiskey and he went into a rage, shouting that I'm a wimp, flailing at me, shouting that I am gay and my mother joined him in this at first. But when he became more violent she warned him by calling the police, and acted as a shield in front of me. After breaking a window and a door my father calmed down, but I was ready to get out of my parents place after that. My parents forgot anything happened the next morning, but I could not forget.
Me and my girlfriend were already playing together online for 2 years (SWTOR for anyone who likes to know), so I prepared myself to take a leap into the unknown and book a plane to Romania. We got along so well that she was willing to let me stay at her apartment and we've been together for 2+ years now, expecting a baby boy and soon to be married.
My girlfriend has helped me immensely with coming to terms with myself, she gives me the freedom to dress up, to love myself and other people, to not just see the technological side of life but also the spiritual and helped me develop sexually. I was so socially isolated for many years that I missed out on many things that an adolescent goes through, I had never kissed or even gone out before and with her I caught up on things.
Nowadays I have a job, am self-sufficient and very happy. Being able to be myself allows me to think clearly, socialize and actually set goals in my life. I never even knew what I wanted to do, felt suicidal at times and very lost, thoughts like virtual reality or better technology "helped" me get through it by waiting life out. Online gaming was very much my way out, pretending to be a woman online for the longest of time.
Not being myself online was too exhausting, made me anxious and I could never participate on the voicecomms, I came out of the closet online when someone noticed I posted a picture of myself (of someone else) that was edited. It was quite a shock for many, and jokes circulated for a while but I joined in on the voicecomms and showed who I was and apologized, some were happy to actually hear me, some not so happy (especially as 2 of them had a crush on my female avatar).
Crossdressing wise, my next goal is how to do my own make-up, shape my body up, do my eyebrows, do something about the bodyhair etc. I'm also a fetishist and love latex, I have my own dress, boots, wig and gloves. My greatest wish is to at some point get good enough to be able to see myself in the mirror and think I am a woman, perhaps I can learn a few things on how to accomplish that by talking with people that went through something similar.
Phew! That took many strolls around the apartment to actually post, haven't posted on any forum for years.
