Female by night, Male by day A.K.A Stuck between crossdressing and transitioning

[lucyt]

I've learnt a lot over the past week.  Lurking on various forums, google and youtube.  Looking at T-blockers, estrogen and the full HRT process.  Originally I thought you could use t-blockers or take small doses of estrogen to maybe just lessen some male attributes such as body hair, body shape, etc.  After researching it seems that you either go all in with HRT or not.

I'm 99% sure I'm not willing to make a full transition publicly due to many various reasons and I am happy with this.

The challenge I have is most nights after the kids are in bed, my wife is happy to do my make up and let me dress up and we just hang out together.  It feels so comfortable, in a warm room talking, watching movies and playing together for a few hours.  Then in the morning I get up early, wash all the make up off and pack away all my female clothes.  We've done this for years and I have slowly gained more clothes, accessories and makeup skills. 

I shave basically everywhere and am attending gym/changing diet this year to help with body shape.  Also, I believe we're reached the limit of what makeup can achieve.

I feel like I've reached the limit that crossdressing gives and want to know what opinions I have to look and feel more feminine in private but still be able to function during the day as male.  Hormones did seem like a good idea until I found out about the dangers of only taking t-blockers or the growth of breasts with estrogen which isn't quite what I'm after during the day.

I'm early 30s, any suggestions?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am not sure where you got that idea but low dose hormones are one of the options. The T blockers alone will make a big difference without excessive feminization and the estrogen will protect your bones and give you modest feminization at a slow rate. I am going to give you two links you might not have found but discusses what you are considering.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207785.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html

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[Dayta]

One thing to consider is that there are not a finite number of destinations along the gender continuum, and that you can stop anywhere you want, or feel comfortable.  I have very gradually incorporated more feminine aspects into my dress and grooming over the last few years, and am not sure if I will ever make any kind of a dramatic transition.  Maybe I will, but meanwhile, I just try to find my truth and my comfort.

Note also that times have been changing, and more and more places are becoming accepting of gender diversity, and that you may be able to push a little farther this year than last, and so on.  Read other people's posts and get more ideas about what's possible, maybe things you hadn't thought about.  And good luck to you.  I know it's not easy, but what it's about in the end is your truth. 

Data

[BeverlyAnn]

The only real suggestion I can make is to talk with a gender therapist.  Not for the purpose of transitioning but to have someone to talk with outside of your family.  As Dena said, a very low dose estrogen is possible and might possibly be recommended by a therapist.  For several years my doctor prescribed a very low dose, the effects of which were mostly psychological with very minor physical effects. 

[AnonyMs]

Here's a good thread on low dose HRT.

My low dose HRT experience (was 9 month low dose HRT)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=130268.0

Its kind of difficult to stop though, once you've started.

[EmilyMK03]

Then in the morning I get up early, wash all the make up off and pack away all my female clothes.  We've done this for years and I have slowly gained more clothes, accessories and makeup skills. 

Wait, you go to sleep with all your makeup on?  That's really bad for your skin...

I feel like I've reached the limit that crossdressing gives and want to know what opinions I have to look and feel more feminine in private but still be able to function during the day as male. 

If you have a visible adam's apple, you could get a trachea shave.  I have a cross-dresser friend who has absolutely no intention to transition, but went ahead and had a trachea shave to look more feminine while dressed.  It's not inexpensive, but it'll certainly make you look more feminine without drawing attention to you during the day.

[stephaniec]

gender therapist

[April_TO]

I am not sure if HRT will be the way for you. HRT comes with many side effects psychologically and physically. Even at low dose, it can present some effects that you may not want in the long run.

Start with a gender therapist and see where that leads you.

[JoanneB]

I always find it ironic how people who feel they aren't cis-X make the leap to "Therefore I must be all in for achieving cis-Y"

Being TransGender is a Spectrum, a very large universe between the extremes of cis-female and cis-male. The real trick is sorting out where you are in that universe TODAY. Almost Guaranteed to change in the future as it has already, but who knows? Doing a little something may bring peace and harmony for decades.

I tried for decades to be 'Normal' (male). I have a wife/BFF/Reality-Therapist of some 30 plus years. I have a career that I cannot believe I get paid to have fun doing. I have garnered a great amount of respect for my abilities. Going "All In" just may lead to all that crashing down in ruins.

Over the past 7 years I've made a lot of changes, positive changes in my life. I took on the trans-beast for real. Found a fantastic support group. Now seeing a for real gender therapist. Been on HRT for a while now after several On/Off low dose periods to regain my sanity. I still live and present mainly as male. I still (mostly) have preserved all that I value in my life. Yes, my wife isn't thrilled about some of the changes. She is thrilled how I am no longer the "angry" person I grew into during the years of NOT handling being trans

[Amber42]

I too cannot go all in...at least not yet.  I sway back and forth about what I want.  I am certain I sway because what is possible versus what I would like.

I have a great family - wife and kids and a great job.  I just can't allow it all to come crashing down.   I often daydream of running away where it wouldn't matter what I decided...if I'm dreaming, might as well dream all the way :-)

I thought low dose was a path I could pursue.  What I think I've learned through reading, is that the results really vary person to person, so you don't know until you dive in.   I will be seeing a therapist next week for my first visit.  Not sure what will come out of it but the discussion of low dose is on my agenda.

Joanne, I also turned into an angry person when I pushed the Trans thing away...or try to fight it.  I really don't like that person.  My T personality is so much better.  That is what I've realized.



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[Maria77]

I too would err on the side of caution.   A gender therapist, as others have mentioned, is a good place to start.   Transition involves change in every aspect of your life: your future, past, relationships, self-image, economics, legal status.  It's good to talk to a therapist and perhaps join a support group if any are nearby.  You can also mildly feminize without drawing too much attention to yourself via mild facial feminization procedure like a nose job (for your 'sinus issues!').    .  Good luck!

[DebbieA]

I'm on a low dose.  About a 1/3 of what a full blown transition would require.  I will warn you.  This is very slippery slope.  Once you start, if you are truly trans, it will be extremely difficult to stop.  I have tried.  I can't.  This is someone that stopped a hard core addiction to pain killers cold turkey.  I could do that.  I can't stop estrogen.  Your mileage will vary, but even though I was taking a low dose and no blockers, (I have very low T anyway), I can fill a 38B bra.  I can't go shirtless at the pool.  My wife hasn't made an issue about it, (she says she will divorce me if I transition) but her potential reaction over it is like walking on eggshells.  Again, your mileage will vary, but for me, my body and mind absorb estrogen like a desert flower to rain.  I feel so much better except my boobs hurt like hell.   Most days wearing a bra is not optional.  When i try to go off it I get migraine headaches and feel like crap.  I get bitchy as hell.  It's like I turn into this horrible person.  When I am on it and my levels are right my dysphoria, my ADD, insomnia, depression, all gone!  But... My boobs grow.  Even with a really low dose.  It is confirmation to me that I was wired for estrogen.  It was like my body was running on bad gas for so long I thought feeling crappy was normal.  Then all of a sudden, I got the good stuff!  It was like, so, this is what it is like,to feel normal!   But it is a delima.  The very thing that makes me a happy, pleasant person, is the same thing that causes physical changes my wife does not want to have anything to do with.  When i was originally diagnosed with low T.  I even tried T therapy to make my wife happy.  It was horrible.  It turned me into a,grumpy, mean person with near permanent boner.  I hated it.  That was what gave me the idea.  If T did that, what would E do..  Well I sure found out.  It was like I,had been feeling and seeing in black and white, then for the first time, I was seeing and feeling in color.  It was amazing.  But it has consequences. Once you are on that train there is no getting off.  Also, do not self medicate.  I learned that the hard way.  I got lucky and found OB/GYN that has a trans child.  No trans friendly endos around here.  So, my primary Doctor is an OB/GYN.  Lol!  Her staff are the nicest people on the planet.  They really go out of their way to make me feel comfortable.