Need help (depression and Suicidal thoughts)

[keira939]

So I came out of SRS surgery 7 months ago, have been on hormone replacement for 4 years and yet here I am staring in the mirror feeling just as repulsed as always. I have taken health leave from the final months of my university course for depression and despite my need to focus on getting better, all I can think about is how I can raise the money for breast construction/facial feminisation. I have little breast tissue and the funding body turned down my application for the top surgery, plus I hate looking at my face in the mirror. Essentially srs means that part of my body I am now comfortable with but what's the point if I can't look at myself in the mirror because the rest of meis left appearing male. People still sir me when I go out.

I have friends who say they will fundraise me some money towards FFS/top surgery but considering the cost and the fact I have zero income with little prospect of holding a job I am feeling pretty much hopeless. On a waiting list for further counselling and CBT which could take months and loaded on anti depressants but it's done very little to help me feel better. I can barely eat, move etc and have regular Suicidal thoughts and I have to avoid mirrors in the house, I just want to know what I am supposed to do to stop hating myself the way I do.

[V M]

Please do not harm yourself, no matter how dire the situation may look

Something will work out and you will be glad that you decided to stick around

Hugs

V M

[Ms Grace]

Hi, I'm very sorry you're feeling this way.

As a former self-hater myself I guess the way I came around to not being a self-hater was learning to have some compassion for myself, to have some appreciation for who I was as a person and to accept myself for who I was. Now that wasn't an easy thing, and it certainly didn't happen overnight... but I got there in the end through determination that I didn't want to feel like crap about myself or how I looked or how I thought other people thought I looked, etc.

It sounds like you want to find a way forward too and I'll suggest that if you don't then you might find that even if you do have that breast augmentation you will still not be happy with yourself. The appreciation has to come from within.

Please seek support or help if you are feeling like harming yourself - be well soon.

[KyleeKrow]

Idk how much any of this will help... I've always struggled with depression myself. Sometimes I just have to sit in front of the mirror and really looks for the things that I do like, no matter how minor they are. I've noticed too that a lot of people see their male selves still but others just see the female. I know with me, it seems like other people are noticing the changes more than I am. Are there any support groups around where you live? I often find that sometimes just getting out of bed can be a big win. I mean... I may not have accomplished a lot that day, but sometimes just being able to do a little bit is a pretty huge thing. Also, self care can be important. Even just little things. When I need a pick-me-up I often turn to cooking myself a nice meal. Something tasty but healthy so I don't beat myself up over eating junk. Things like that. Sometimes just to make it through I'll read, watch a movie, play a game, etc. to help distract myself when the pain becomes too much.

[keira939]

Pehaps it is less the BA than the FFS that i am constantly thinking sbout, because it is my face that bothers me so much. I genuinely think that after that kind of surgery my body issues would be heavily alleviated. I have been trying to fundraise with help from my lgbt society as I said and have enough to have booked a consultation with keith altmann in september just to find ut what could be done/the costs. Getting the money though :/ I know people say I need t learn to love myself for who I am but I have tried that my whole life with years of counselling to no avail. Since I had that lower surgery I can actually look down in the shower and not have a panic or anything, it just feels normal. I just want that feeling for the rest of me and to be honest the prospect of feeling that way about me as a whole is the one thing keeping me going. As long as I still look male I don't think I can keep just trying to live with it, I am so tired of it all

[2cherry]

Hi Keira,

Something will work out, takes a bit of patience though. I certainly understand what you're going through. Being dead is pointless, because there's nothing to do. Might as well live, and enjoy the things that make you happy. I learned to shut the world off. When I'm in public, I wear my headphones and play my music, and I go to peaceful places where no-one judges me. Solitude and aloneness can be really beneficial. Simply remind yourself that no-one cares more about you than you do, because everyone else is worrying about themselves. Sounds super dark, but it's actually the truth and it is enlightening: it frees you from everything, because it means that no-one cares about your mistakes too. So, all that's left is potential and opportunity.

[V]

Hey Keira,

I can empathise with your feelings. It's pretty terrible and depressing when you're just stuck looking like something/someone you don't want to be.
I've been there. And I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts too. Indeed I've tried to end it more than once.
I don't have any magic solutions, but what sometimes works for me is to take small steps, little things that you can call a success. For me it's often just getting out of bed. I find if I can take my mind off things a little, then later when I do eventually come back to the things that are causing me grief, I might not be feeling so depressed or suicidal. I sometimes try to distract myself by doing something for someone else. Making their day a little better can make me feel a bit better too.
Hope you can find a way through things.