Is being transgender worth turning your family away?

[WolfNightV4X1]

Asking about your opinion personally, not some general answer because that's just silly to expect the same from everyone's situation.


But I wanted to ask all of you, if you never had a supportive family, if they were appalled, if thry felt you were wrong, unstable, and damaged for being trans...

Would you/have you risk(ed) turning them away or against you to be the way you are? Is it worth it?


I dont know why I have...I couldve done like they asked. Dropped my supportive friendships and ignored them. Gone to the school they wanted me to go to and try harder to do well. Go to church every Sunday. Be the good girl I was supposed to be...not succumb to these things Im not supposed to.


I mean, I dont think Im as dysphoric as others claim. I was fine. I was okay. I couldve been indifferent and apathetic to myself all my life, it shouldnt matter anyways. Couldve been agender. Couldve been a tomboy/masculine female most my life. It should be fine.

But for whatever reason I kept getting drawn this way, as if I need it. I dont know really.. and its despite the alienation.

I feel like I can like my self, and not just ignore myself. Somehow I think it was worth the tension



Is it? What is worth it to you?

[Devlyn]

I didn't send out my coming out emails until I knew that I was ready to turn around and walk away from anyone who didn't accept me. My father was already long gone. My mother was in hospice with very little time left, I didn't bother telling her. My two sisters accepted me immediately. My brother failed the test, and I cut him loose.

Hope this is what you're looking for. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Deborah]

I think it is worth it.  But for me there is one exception and that is with my wife.  I can compromise as needed as long as that compromise goes both ways.  Yes, I have critical needs, but I also took an oath "until death."  One sidedly breaking that oath doesn't work for me.


Sapere Aude

[Semira]

Family is all I have left at the moment, so for the time being the answer for me has to be no. I have no friends or anyone to support me. If I alienated the family members I associate with then I would be left with zero human beings to tie me to this world. That would leave me in a very dangerous mental state, one that I cannot allow myself to experience.

[Cassuk]

Asking about your opinion personally, not some general answer because that's just silly to expect the same from everyone's situation.


But I wanted to ask all of you, if you never had a supportive family, if they were appalled, if thry felt you were wrong, unstable, and damaged for being trans...

Would you/have you risk(ed) turning them away or against you to be the way you are? Is it worth it?


I dont know why I have...I couldve done like they asked. Dropped my supportive friendships and ignored them. Gone to the school they wanted me to go to and try harder to do well. Go to church every Sunday. Be the good girl I was supposed to be...not succumb to these things Im not supposed to.


I mean, I dont think Im as dysphoric as others claim. I was fine. I was okay. I couldve been indifferent and apathetic to myself all my life, it shouldnt matter anyways. Couldve been agender. Couldve been a tomboy/masculine female most my life. It should be fine.

But for whatever reason I kept getting drawn this way, as if I need it. I dont know really.. and its despite the alienation.

I feel like I can like my self, and not just ignore myself. Somehow I think it was worth the tension



Is it? What is worth it to you?

Tough question and i have to be honest one of the reasons i have not really begun to go down this road yet, has been because of my family. My dad is very conservative and is very set in his ways particular on how men behave and how girls behave.  Not to mention my mom

I know the saying "if they love you they will love you no matter what" but it´s just not that easy, my parents have always been very conscious about how others see them and our familiy particular among their brothers and sisters, both come from a huge family and they always kicked themselves for only getting me.

So i am theirs and i am raised with values where family matters over all else, i am true to my family and we only get one by blood, and blood is thicker than water.

I have always been introvert even tho i have never had problems finding friends , i have always had a stop and never allowed them to get to close (can´t help but wonder if the dysphoria has caused this)

Anyways to get to the question. I would have to say No, but...... at a point you have to think about your own life and is it worth it being unhappy or is it more important to be true to yourself and here it comes down to each person.

[FTMax]

I think the question should be amended to "is transition worth turning your family away". I had no choice in being transgender, but I did choose what to do about it.

For me, yes transition was worth it. People who truly care about your overall well-being will be supportive of you even if they cannot understand being trans. So if someone in my life isn't supportive, well, good riddance. Anyone who would stand in the way of you being happy and comfortable as yourself is not someone worth keeping around.

[KathyLauren]

Once I realized I needed to do something in the way of transition, I knew I needed to do it.  I will compromise for my wife, if need be, on the degree or timing of my transition, but I knew that no transition was not an option.  Before I came out to her, I knew that she might leave me, and I was prepared to accept that as a consequence.  It made coming out a scary proposition, but knowing that I had to do it was what got me through the fear.  So far, it looks good for her to stay with me.  Yay!

As for the rest of the family, my parents have died, so I just have two brothers.  One was safe to come out to.  The other isn't.  We are not a close family, and he is 3000 km away.  I'll probably never see him again anyway, so I have no reason to come out to him.  We exchange birthday and Christmas emails, and I'll continue to sign these with my boy name for now.  He may find out eventually.  (At some point my email will probably get changed to "Kathy", so that will let the cat out of the bag.)

He'll either be cool with it or he won't, his choice.  It sounds harsh to say it, but it will be no great loss to cut him out of my life if he is hostile.  What is two less emails a year?

I have some cousins.  Two, I am not in contact with, so no issue there.  The third is a birthday and Christmas cousin, like my brother.  I'll handle him the same way as my brother.

[wendylove]

This is a road I have yet to travel and one which I am not looking forward to. I've written messages on this forum before about my situation. My wife will never accept me as a trans so thinking rationally the only way forward for that is to separate. My dads dead, my mother is old school so will struggle to understand however she will come around long term, my brother will again struggle with it but is wife accepts trans people so she will bring him around eventually. My son is young enough to accept it. The problem for me will be support, my family live miles away from me or in another country and for one reason or another all my friends have long gone. I will have to go through it all on my own which I think I'm strong enough to do because my desire is strong than anything else. So to answer your question, yes it will be worth it, I carn't carry on living like this any longer, it has to stop one way or another.

[BeverlyAnn]

Yes, my wife and I were willing to lose everyone when we sent out my letters.  As she said the day we dropped them at the post office, "If they don't want to have anything to do with us, it's their loss, not ours."  All of her family have been amazingly supportive along with most of my family with the exception of my brother.  But, considering he is homophobic and racist, it's exactly what I expected.

[nameuser]

It never even occurred to me that transition was optional, to be honest. It took so much for me to come to terms with my gender issues - I'd reached the stage where I was planning my suicide. Knowing that if nothing changed, I'd be dead in the very near future, some of the barriers went down in my head and I was able to honestly question my gender for the first time.

I came out (ran downstairs crying with joy, shouting "I'm going to get my ---- chopped off") to my mum the day I became certain I was trans, and immediately went into "boy mode." It's taken longer to come out to the whole, extended family - most are uncomfortable with it, none of them understand it, but they've all accepted it. They're all being supportive, or trying to be. And I don't think any of them considered that they might have a choice in that either - they know my history with mental health. They know this is my best hope at a happy future - any future, really. And the fact that they can see that has made me appreciate them like I never could before.

I felt very little connection to my family before now. If I'd lost them, I doubt I'd have cried over it. Now - it's been worth it. They're seeing me for the first time, and I'm seeing them for the first time. I'm incredibly fortunate to have the family I have. They don't understand the trans thing, they rarely get my name or pronouns right but they are trying, and they aren't asking me to hide for them.

If, hypothetically, I had known they wouldn't accept me? I would have hidden my transition for as long as I could, but if I can't live as a girl for my own sake, I can't do it for them either.

[Kylo]

A family that does not love me enough to allow me to act who I am and escape the suffering of this condition is no family at all. That sounds like wanting one's cake and eating it too, but that's my opinion.

[Peep]

I really can't decide, and I guess i won't know until it really happens. i feel trapped a lot by not wanting to continue living as my assigned gender but also not wanting to imagine life without my partner. honestly tho i feel like i'm just as likely to lose him either way, either because of transitioning, or because of resenting having to stop transitioning

i don't have a relationship with most of my extended family (aunts uncles grandparents etc) anyway, and i don't expect them to cut me off (what's to cut off?) but i don't expect us to get any closer either

my immediate family i don't think will totally abandon me, but they do make me feel guilty, they aren't good at hiding their negative feelings, i may have to put up with being treated like a ghost for the rest of my life

[WolfNightV4X1]

It never even occurred to me that transition was optional, to be honest. It took so much for me to come to terms with my gender issues - I'd reached the stage where I was planning my suicide. Knowing that if nothing changed, I'd be dead in the very near future, some of the barriers went down in my head and I was able to honestly question my gender for the first time.

I came out (ran downstairs crying with joy, shouting "I'm going to get my ---- chopped off") to my mum the day I became certain I was trans, and immediately went into "boy mode." It's taken longer to come out to the whole, extended family - most are uncomfortable with it, none of them understand it, but they've all accepted it. They're all being supportive, or trying to be. And I don't think any of them considered that they might have a choice in that either - they know my history with mental health. They know this is my best hope at a happy future - any future, really. And the fact that they can see that has made me appreciate them like I never could before.

I felt very little connection to my family before now. If I'd lost them, I doubt I'd have cried over it. Now - it's been worth it. They're seeing me for the first time, and I'm seeing them for the first time. I'm incredibly fortunate to have the family I have. They don't understand the trans thing, they rarely get my name or pronouns right but they are trying, and they aren't asking me to hide for them.

If, hypothetically, I had known they wouldn't accept me? I would have hidden my transition for as long as I could, but if I can't live as a girl for my own sake, I can't do it for them either.

Course being transgednder isnt optional, surely I hope it was not read that way. Transition however, or what most nontrans people seem to believe, isnt. I guess it's more what steps are you willing to take to resolve internal issues, risk vs rewards.


I know a lot of people actually have good families and I feel bad asking them what it'd be like if their families did not accept their condition, its a very tough decision and in the end what do you sacrifice? Maybe your life?

But then people get upset and feel as if someone was suicidal for no reason and needed a different kind of mental help...sigh.



Anyways, these answers were an interesting read, I appreciate all your input and support

[RobynD]

I think only you can answer this for yourself but for me, it was a matter of life or an increasingly rapid death spiral.
I could not be there for anyone if i was in the grave, well except for a nice peaceful place to put flowers maybe...

Fortunately, my family has hung in there without exception, but it is not always easy. You have to have a support network but you can build one outside of family, it also is not easy, but many people do it.

[JLT1]

My mother bought me a bra, 10 years before I transitioned.  She died before Jennifer came on the scene.  She accepted.

My father said I was a failure, I  was worthless and if he ever saw me again, he would shoot me.  I saw him in the hospital, four days before he died.  He wouldn't acknowledge me.  Three days later, I  passed my oral exams for my PhD in chemistry.  I left the following morning for his funeral.

My oldest and closest sister is a TERF.  She is actively  distructive in my life.  My other two sisters will talk with me on the phone but they will not see me.

My wife is sitting here, watching TV me.  My step children and grandchildren were with me last weekend.

Post transition, I have known some of the simplest and greatest moments of my life.  I am whole, I am free, I am ME.

I would do it all again!

Hugs,

Jen

[Rachel]

I put off transition until I had to transition. My parents were gone. My brother and sister accepted. My wife and daughter did not. I am in the process of being divorced. I regret their loss and their choice as I am sure they mine.

[MisterQueer]

I think it is. It is not worth living a lie to please your family. It's not worth having their love if they can't love you for who you really are.

[wendylove]

Course being transgednder isnt optional, surely I hope it was not read that way. Transition however, or what most nontrans people seem to believe, isnt. I guess it's more what steps are you willing to take to resolve internal issues, risk vs rewards.


I know a lot of people actually have good families and I feel bad asking them what it'd be like if their families did not accept their condition, its a very tough decision and in the end what do you sacrifice? Maybe your life?

But then people get upset and feel as if someone was suicidal for no reason and needed a different kind of mental help...sigh.



Anyways, these answers were an interesting read, I appreciate all your input and support

I'm rapidly coming to terms with my gender identity after fighting it for so many years. If the people around me carn't manage to deal my decisions then thats their problem and not mine. I will over time make new friends and I will recover from any difficult situation that confronts me. I'm an Aries, a fighter, a warrior, I will not give up. However even though I've said that and just the same as everyone else on this forum I have considered suicide even planned it, not for my fight against my gender but to protect my wife and son.
To be honest we are not that unique to anyone else, we are confronted with difficult situations throughout our lives, divorce, being out of work, family rejection (I have been rejected from my parents for years but this is nothing to do with my gender identity). All I'm saying is be strong and you will over come.

[Raye]

Moving out of the place at a young age similar to FTMax here built us up strong + less forgiving to those who would dissuade or be unsupportive towards people like us. With my dsyphoria I was afraid to fall in love because I knew I couldn't rise to any physical encounters with those people 'could' have possibly fallen love with. But towards the end of serving my time towards the government and the citizens freedom I feel in love with an older vixen. She fell in love with me at first site and eventually I married her. She wasn't interested in a physical relationship, which we both agreed on. And we just opened up even more to each other. She was very supportive and understanding of my situation. But she got sick and very ill passing away from Leukemia. It was at that point my family felt very bad at what had happened over the years and I forgiven them. My cousins, aunts, and uncles won't ever accept me, but having gained new friends and my immediate family back. Life has been pretty good to me. I'll take whatever I can get when it comes to emotional and mental support, but my own medical bills I'm too strong to rely on people. I take care of myself well and I've not regretted transitioning not once. Sure you lose people in the process 'generally' speaking, but... Is it worth your happiness to be the fake you weren't ever meant to be to keep family and friends. Or is your own happiness more important to leave them behind?

[Cassuk]

I think it is. It is not worth living a lie to please your family. It's not worth having their love if they can't love you for who you really are.

If only it was that easy.

Imagine being alone in the world and only having your family, would you turn the only people away that "loves you"