My feelings differ greatly about what my gender identity is/ will end up being...
I have put together a list of reasons I feel as if I am MtF transgender, reasons I feel I may bot be transgender, and reasons I feel I may be non-binary in some way. I am wondering if anyone can relate here...
If this is an inappropriate place to post this, I apologise, and please move this thread to it's appropriate location.
Reasons I feel I am MtF:
1. When cis girls/ women talk about their puberty and development during adolescence, I find that I wish that were my experience, too, that I would have developed as a female.
2. I am self conscious about my deep voice at times.
3. When dressing in female clothing, doing my hair, and applying makeup, I love when I get to the point where I actually look like a female. It brings me joy. Likewise, I get very uncomfortable if I end up looking like a man in drag.
4. When I'm around m sister and female cousin, who are much shorter than me (5-8 inches shorter) I feel slightly uncomfortable for being so masculine in stature. Tying in to the first reason, I wish that I could've developed as a female.
5. I hate the fact that I have such high levels of testosterone in my body, causing body odour, body hair growth, muscle growth, and skeletal masculinisation. I wish that it were oestrogen.
6. I feel uncomfortable regarding my sex organs and when I get aroused. It's something of a chore to me.
7. In *ahem* the bedroom, I feel very uncomfortable with my body, and my male body is gross, even slightly nauseating to me, but the other male I am in bed with, I am not repulsed by him or his body, only my own.
8. I have had some discomfort, although, not very strong, regarding male pronouns being used with me.
9. I hate my legal name, and I wish it were something at least gender neutral, but of course, my parents had to name me something biblical
10. I dream of one day being able to openly shop in the women's section of a department store, pick out a dress I like, and wear it... Generally, to present as female.
11. In these thoughts and dreams of being a woman, the realisation that I am physically a male makes me feel uncomfortable, and I envision male- bodied, non-transitioned me in a dress, and it's not a pleasant thought.
12. I didn't feel comfortable around other boys in primary school, and I found that the girls were a better fit for me to hang out with and talk to/ play with. I would play with the girls more often during recess. Boys were too aggressive and rambunctious and I had no interest with associating with them. In the 5th grade when the boys were forced to sit separately from the girls at lunch due to the boys' behaviour, I could no longer sit with the girls and it was very upsetting to me.
13. In my childhood, something didn't feel... right... But I cannot confirm what that something was.
14. I really can't say I have ever felt like 'one of the guys' in any social respect. I mean, I could associate with them and have fun doing so, but myself as one is another story.
15. I look up to/ strive to be like my older sister as opposed to my father.
16. I worry constantly about being accepted by cis women as a woman.
17. I have been wanting to transition for months.
Reasons I may not be trans:
1. These feelings subside for as much as a week at a time
2. I have the thought that "It couldn't happen to me, being trans"
3. These feelings of wanting to be female arose at the age of 19, or at least, I had realised them then
4. I still enjoy dressing up in fancy male clothes.
5. I'd one day like to know what it's like to have a beard, although this thought is not a strong one, and grows weaker as time goes on.
6. I wanted to rush my male puberty when I was 14-16 since I was a very late bloomer and I was tired of being treated and seen as a young child, being given the kid's menu at restaurants, etc...
7. I wasn't a hyper feminine kid like so many trans girls were, and I enjoyed airsoft and BB guns as an adolescent.
8. I constantly doubt myself.
9. When I call myself a trans woman or a woman in any respect, at times, I'll look at my body and think "you? A woman? pppffft!"
10. I feel uncomfortable or even ashamed calling myself transgender.
11. There are less than 1% of the population who are transgender, how likely is it that I am one of them?
Reasons I may be non binary:
1. My feelings fluctuate.. Some days, more masculine or even male than others.
2. My discomfort fluctuates, some says, not as strong as others.
3. I can enjoy both 'male', 'female', and androgynous clothing
