I want to be a girl...So badly...

[Ariblooperchao]

My name is Ari and I'm a 13 year old boy. For as long I could remember I've always liked girly things, like pink, and dressing up my stuffed animals, and princesses. I thought girls got to be pretty, but I still knew I was a boy. My parents got divorced when I was two and I spent most of my time with my father and my brother, my brother and father are both pretty masculine people, it's not like they're stereotypes or anything but they aren't like me. Through most of my life I lived in Seattle, so everyone was pretty weird, me being weird and liking pink wasn't that odd at all. Hell there was an openly gay kid in my 4th grade class, but when I moved to Charlottesville VA everything was different. Most kids made fun of me for liking pink, they made fun of my voice too. I cried a lot after moving, not just because I had to leave, but also due to all the mean kids in Virginia.

After two years of being the 'gay kid' I was in 6th grade and this is when things started to change. I remember sometimes people saying I couldn't do something because I was a boy, but this time it hit hard. I was playing an online math game in my math class, and I had started playing as female characters when I got the choice about a year ago, and when I did it in my math game I remember my teacher saying I couldn't do it because I was a boy. I said that it wasn't fair and I was allowed to choose whatever I wanted because it's just a game and she sent me to the office. My father got really mad at the school, and that teacher got fired by the end of the the school year, not because of me though.

That's when I really started to think about things more. Why did I like girls in games more? At first my brother had thought it was because I was a growing boy and I was just 'into them' but soon it changed. Soon he got a fighting game that had the male characters clearly stronger than the female characters, but I still played the girls. When he asked why I said I liked their designs, that's what I always said, but I wasn't sure if it was true. Soon when I played games with my friends (both boys) I would play as a girl, when we all made sims characters mine was a girl. It changed from a quirk to something different. Soon to my friends parents I wasn't just girly, I cooked brownies while my friends ran outside in the rain. I'd make big romance stories for my characters in Life while they made them action heroes. I wasn't just a little different. I was quite and polite around my friends family, while they never used please. Even if I didn't have the features. I'm not girly looking at all, though sometimes people used to mistake me as a girl because I wear a lot of pink and my voice is pretty high. But I don't look like a girl.

Why was it like this? I would ask myself, a lot actually, why did I feel like this, like so...Lost? Then something crazy happened. I found out about a game called Elsword, I'm not sure if you've heard of it but it's a pay free to play Koren MMO. In it I chose to play as a purple haired mage called Aisha, cause I liked magic users and healers weren't really in that game. When I got into the game, I met a bunch of higher leveled people who were hanging out at the spawn area, and they thought I was a girl because I was playing as one. That's when I pretended I was, it was honestly really... Fun. I felt like I was really a girl, I enjoyed it a lot. Even being hit on was flattering, I knew no guy in real life would hit on me because I was a boy.

After that I really realized. I want to be a girl... I want to wear dresses and skirts. I want to put my hair in different cute hair styles every morning. I want to fawn over cute boys. I want to joke around with boys. I want to fall in love and have a cute romance. But I'll never be able to have that. Yea I know there are things people can do like cross dressing...But I can't. I only have a step mother, and her clothes are too big for me, if I told my mom she'd think I was gay and disown me. My dad and brother know but they don't know what to do about it. Now instead of it being kinda hidden in me, it's different. Any time I hear him, his, he, boy, used to describe me it hurts a little. Being grouped with boys for heath hurts me. Playing boys versus girls hurts me. I'm too scared to go out and buy girl clothing, I'm too scared to tell anyone besides my one friend and my father (my brother found out my snooping) and I don't want to get any gender change things when I grow up because I know people'll only see me as the girl that was once a guy.

I don't want to wake up and lose my singing voice and smooth skin. I don't want to see hair on my arms. I don't want to grow up and pretend like this isn't bothering me. I don't know what to do. Or what I can do. I want to be a girl...So badly...

[Jacqueline]

Ari,

Welcome to the site. It sure sounds like you are in a lot of confusion and pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there a therapist you could talk to at school? I would encourage you to see one and talk this through. Perhaps a private one would be better(you might need to have your Dad set that up and pay for it). Either way, it is the first step to help you cope with all these feelings and confusion.

If your Dad is up to it, I would encourage him to join this site. We have a section for Significant Others. It is not just for spouses and romantic relations, it is for the family of trans people. He could ask questions and look for advice. I think if he knows, he is your best ally and should be able to advocate for you. He is your best bet in coping in a good way with this.

If you want and your therapist thinks it is the right thing, there are medicines that block the changes of puberty. It is not permanent. If you decided you wanted to go through a boy's puberty you could stop and it would happen. However, it would probably stop your undesired hair growth, pitch change, and some body shifts. Your father would have to approve as well because you are not 18 yet.

There is a section here called Youth Talk. It is for younger members. While I can talk to you about my experiences at your age, this area lets you talk to people who are your age now and experiencing the same things you are(for me it was a long time ago). I would also like to move this thread to that spot or the introductions area. I think introductions would be better but it would work in Youth Talk. Would that be okay with you?

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in. I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth path.

With warmth,

Joanna

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Ari:

You could ask your father to contact your family doctor and ask for a referral to a gender therapist.  If you are medically diagnosed as transgender, then you can be referred to an endocrinologist and placed on medicine called a puberty blocker until you are old enough for hormone therapy.

I do not know how things work in Virginia, but in most places, you need parental permission for all of this, and to see a doctor you will have to go through your parents (father) anyway since it is their health insurance that would be paying for this.

When you say "If I told my mom she would think I was gay and disown me" I am not sure whether you mean your birth mother or your stepmother.  As far as legal permissions, and again not knowing how things work in Virginia, unless your stepmother has legally adopted you, you do not need her permission for medical therapy.  You will just need your father's permission, unless he has some kind of joint custody with your mother, in which case you might need permission from both your father and your mother.

You should really talk to your father about this, and have him communicate with us through this forum if he has any questions.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The advice already posted is good and you should seek medical help as soon a possible. Surgery is something you shouldn't worry about at this time as it would be a decision to make latter on. I had my surgery in 1982 at the age of 30 and I am accepted in society as a woman. I have reached the point in life where it's not important to me was others think about me, it's only important how I feel and what I think about myself. You are you and early treatment could bring the changes you desire very soon. Often people your age are given the blockers with proven puberty and are allowed to live in the role they desire. They continue school and unlike me don't have to live with the discomfort for years until they seek treatment as an adult. This is something that couldn't be done when I was young but it's possible for you.

The best way to make this decision is if you didn't have to worry about what people though of you, what would you want to do. The reason I ask this is because it's not possible to change how you feel about your self but it is possible not to care what others think about you. If you have questions for me, post them on this thread and I will do my best to answer them.

[Ixera]

Hell there was an openly gay kid in my 4th grade class, but when I moved to Charlottesville VA everything was different. Most kids made fun of me for liking pink, they made fun of my voice too. I cried a lot after moving, not just because I had to leave, but also due to all the mean kids in Virginia.

After two years of being the 'gay kid' I was in 6th grade and this is when things started to change. I remember sometimes people saying I couldn't do something because I was a boy, but this time it hit hard. I was playing an online math game in my math class, and I had started playing as female characters when I got the choice about a year ago, and when I did it in my math game I remember my teacher saying I couldn't do it because I was a boy. I said that it wasn't fair and I was allowed to choose whatever I wanted because it's just a game and she sent me to the office. My father got really mad at the school, and that teacher got fired by the end of the the school year, not because of me though.

That's when I really started to think about things more. Why did I like girls in games more? At first my brother had thought it was because I was a growing boy and I was just 'into them' but soon it changed. Soon he got a fighting game that had the male characters clearly stronger than the female characters, but I still played the girls. When he asked why I said I liked their designs, that's what I always said, but I wasn't sure if it was true. Soon when I played games with my friends (both boys) I would play as a girl, when we all made sims characters mine was a girl. It changed from a quirk to something different. Soon to my friends parents I wasn't just girly, I cooked brownies while my friends ran outside in the rain. I'd make big romance stories for my characters in Life while they made them action heroes. I wasn't just a little different. I was quite and polite around my friends family, while they never used please. Even if I didn't have the features. I'm not girly looking at all, though sometimes people used to mistake me as a girl because I wear a lot of pink and my voice is pretty high. But I don't look like a girl.

Why was it like this? I would ask myself, a lot actually, why did I feel like this, like so...Lost? Then something crazy happened. I found out about a game called Elsword, I'm not sure if you've heard of it but it's a pay free to play Koren MMO. In it I chose to play as a purple haired mage called Aisha, cause I liked magic users and healers weren't really in that game. When I got into the game, I met a bunch of higher leveled people who were hanging out at the spawn area, and they thought I was a girl because I was playing as one. That's when I pretended I was, it was honestly really... Fun. I felt like I was really a girl, I enjoyed it a lot. Even being hit on was flattering, I knew no guy in real life would hit on me because I was a boy.

Hi Ari, many of the people on this site are older but I can most certainly relate 100% to what you are going through. It can be really tough to realize you are gay/trans in school, It's hard enough when you are not.

I had much the same story you did when I was your age. (I'm 27 now btw.) I've known I was transgender since well 12 or 13, I didn't really realize it, not for certain anyway, but it was there. I moved from a private school to a public school in 4th grade, and I got tezzed and bullied almost every day. When I was in my late teens I had a boyfriend and was semi open. But in high school boys would assault me and tried drown me in the toilet in the bathroom. I always skipped PE and other classes. And eventually I was afraid to go to school at all.  The day I got out of high school was one of the happiest days of my life because that meant it was finally over.

I always played girls in video games. I still do haha. its actually not that weird or uncommon, a lot of guys do. But like you it helped me realize that yes I really want to be a girl in real life and not just in a game.

It is really tough to be a teenager and be homosexual. I wont lie it really is. Its hard enough to be a teen in general but being different is even worse. But the good news is that the world has changed quite a bit in a short period of time since I was in school and there are a lot more laws and rules and general awareness of gay and trans issues now. Especially in school systems.

And although it kind of sucks or it may appear to right now, you are actually very, very lucky. Because most transgender people go their whole lives, even some who realized in their 60's and older that they living a lie and denying/not realizing they are actually trans. Many people are here on this site who started transitioning or not even realizing they were trans until they had lives and kids and all that comes with that. And they, (know I do and I'm young) wish they had that time as back as the gender they really are. You are very fortunate to come to the realization that you are trans so young in my opinion.

Welcome to the site and feel free to talk about anything. I for one have been where you have been. And let me tell you can make it and it does get better.

[Ixera]

But no ten years later I still have nightmares about high school and middle school for that matter.

I was bullied relentlessly for years. I guess going to a Christian school where everyone knew I was gay really ruined my life. I was asulted and beaten and drowed within in an inch of my life every time I went to the bathroom.

Funny story that one of the guys that assaulted me regularly and tried to drown me screaming 'die ->-bleeped-<-ot' was actually gay. 

I eventually got kicked out because I didn't go to class, I just sat in the woods until my parents came to pick me up. I was so afraid to even go to school.

[stephaniec]

definitely therapy would help sort things out and move you in the proper direction