Hi everyone, I am Aclassi. I just made my introduction thread, and am just going to copy paste some of the things I said there as they pertain to what I need from this thread.
I have recently started to come to terms with my gender orientation. At this point I am still a bit unsure on what exactly it is. I am not a girl. I don't know if I am a man, or if I would just prefer non-binary.
I have severe social anxiety, general anxiety, and depression. I've had all of those for a very long time, with the anxiety really hitting full force when I was 14. Since then it has just gotten worse and worse. I am 28, and will be turning 29 next month. When I was 15 I came out to my mother as trans. She was supportive and I did a lot of research over the next 3 years. However, when I turned 18, I got involved in a relationship with a bisexual man that was interested in me because of how I identified. Losing my virginity to him made me stop believing I was transgender, telling myself that if I enjoyed regular old heterosexual sex with a guy, while I was a girl, then I was wrong.
I went along with my life, identifying as a bisexual cis female. I got married to my husband in 2009. We have been married for almost 7 and a half years. We have two children. A girl, and a boy, ages 5 and 6.
Very recently my feelings of being gender queer have come back. I am not happy with my body. I am finding myself severely jealous of men with good physiques, and find myself wanting that for me. I long to have that kind of body, and have this immense drive to make it happen. I say that I don't know if I am a man, or non-binary because I know society would see several of the things I do and like, to be female related.
I do not want bottom surgery. I do want top surgery. I do want to take T. I do want facial hair. I want to change as much as I can!
Okay all of the above is from my intro.
So, I haven't told anyone about this. My husband is a CIS heterosexual male. I have no idea how to tell him this. I am scared to death! Scared he is going to leave me. I love him, with every part of me. When I married him, it was because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. He is a supporter of the LGBT community, but I know that doesn't mean the same thing when it is his spouse that is coming to him and telling him that they want to change their gender.
I am petrified, and as much as it would hurt, I would understand if he didn't want to be with me anymore. I want to tell him, I feel like I am going to explode if I don't, but I am just so afraid. To make matters worse, he is currently going through college, so he can give me and our kids a better life. He has maintained a 4.0 GPA for 3 years, and I am scared that if I come out to him before his next year and a half of college is over, that I am going to ruin that. That I will cause him so much stress, that his grades tank, and his plans for his future will be ruined. I don't want do that, but I don't feel like I can continue living in this body anymore!
I found out today that my insurance covers (most, if not all, I don't know the full percentage) for top surgery and hormones. I want to have a prosthetic penis. I want to dress like a man. I really want to be referred to as a male, want a male name. Want so much! But I am so scared.
I worry that I am wrong. That these feelings aren't real, and that I am not trans, or non-binary. Then I get afraid, because what if I go through with all of this, lose my husband, and have the permanent changes, and then realize I was wrong? What do I do then? Can I even be wrong about this?
I just don't know.
If anyone want's to give advice, I am all ears. I feel like I am lost in the middle of the sea right now, and the current is slowly dragging me under.
