Hi everyone, I am Aclassi. I just made my introduction thread, and am just going to copy paste some of the things I said there as they pertain to what I need from this thread.

I have recently started to come to terms with my gender orientation. At this point I am still a bit unsure on what exactly it is. I am not a girl. I don't know if I am a man, or if I would just prefer non-binary.

I have severe social anxiety, general anxiety, and depression. I've had all of those for a very long time, with the anxiety really hitting full force when I was 14. Since then it has just gotten worse and worse. I am 28, and will be turning 29 next month. When I was 15 I came out to my mother as trans. She was supportive and I did a lot of research over the next 3 years. However, when I turned 18, I got involved in a relationship with a bisexual man that was interested in me because of how I identified. Losing my virginity to him made me stop believing I was transgender, telling myself that if I enjoyed regular old heterosexual sex with a guy, while I was a girl, then I was wrong.

I went along with my life, identifying as a bisexual cis female. I got married to my husband in 2009. We have been married for almost 7 and a half years. We have two children. A girl, and a boy, ages 5 and 6.

Very recently my feelings of being gender queer have come back. I am not happy with my body. I am finding myself severely jealous of men with good physiques, and find myself wanting that for me. I long to have that kind of body, and have this immense drive to make it happen. I say that I don't know if I am a man, or non-binary because I know society would see several of the things I do and like, to be female related.

I do not want bottom surgery. I do want top surgery. I do want to take T. I do want facial hair. I want to change as much as I can!

Okay all of the above is from my intro.

So, I haven't told anyone about this. My husband is a CIS heterosexual male. I have no idea how to tell him this. I am scared to death! Scared he is going to leave me. I love him, with every part of me. When I married him, it was because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. He is a supporter of the LGBT community, but I know that doesn't mean the same thing when it is his spouse that is coming to him and telling him that they want to change their gender.

I am petrified, and as much as it would hurt, I would understand if he didn't want to be with me anymore. I want to tell him, I feel like I am going to explode if I don't, but I am just so afraid. To make matters worse, he is currently going through college, so he can give me and our kids a better life. He has maintained a 4.0 GPA for 3 years, and I am scared that if I come out to him before his next year and a half of college is over, that I am going to ruin that. That I will cause him so much stress, that his grades tank, and his plans for his future will be ruined. I don't want do that, but I don't feel like I can continue living in this body anymore!

I found out today that my insurance covers (most, if not all, I don't know the full percentage) for top surgery and hormones. I want to have a prosthetic penis. I want to dress like a man. I really want to be referred to as a male, want a male name. Want so much! But I am so scared.

I worry that I am wrong. That these feelings aren't real, and that I am not trans, or non-binary. Then I get afraid, because what if I go through with all of this, lose my husband, and have the permanent changes, and then realize I was wrong? What do I do then? Can I even be wrong about this?

I just don't know.

If anyone want's to give advice, I am all ears. I feel like I am lost in the middle of the sea right now, and the current is slowly dragging me under.

Welcome, Aclassi.

It sounds like you need some help clarifying what your wants, needs and goals are.  That is what gender therapists are for.  I would recommend seeing one before making any decisions.

I empathize with your struggle over coming out to your husband.  I recently spent several months agonizing over whether to come out to my wife, with the same concern: will she leave me if I do?  If she had left me, it would have been severe pain and financial hardship, but I would have gotten over it eventually.  But, if I didn't come out, I would find myself living an increasing unauthentic life, with steadily increasing dysphoria, for the rest of my life.  But even after I had made the decision, it still took me several weeks to work up the nerve to do it.  It's a tough one! 

(Long story short, I did it, and she is staying with me.  Best of both worlds.)