I may be worrying about this too far in advance, but I really am in need of advice desperately right now. It's going to take a bit of explaining, so I apologize for the length.
So background information: I turned 18 years old yesterday, and I'm going to college next month. I started identifying as transgender a month before I turned 15 and I'm out to a number of friends but not publicly or to my family because my family is really, really transphobic. Like, frequently talk about how much they hate trans people transphobic.
When I say my family, I mean my mom's side of the family (I could care less about my dad's side). Her parents, her brother, and her brother's wife and kids live close to us so we're always together.
My mom's brother has two kids, one my age, one older than me. The older one is sort of the black sheep of the family. He usually he avoids us at all costs, and it's because he's gay. He came out to his sister, and his sister told me in private, only because my whole family pretty much knows but everyone is in denial of it because of how outrageously homophobic they all are. So it makes complete sense for him to avoid us, and he recently was in a very unsafe situation involving his dad that fortunately turned out alright.
My other cousin, right before graduation, announced she was moving out of her dad's house completely and staying with her mom. Her mother is a very taboo subject and ever since then my cousin has been treated rather poorly by everyone. She's moving out because her father calls her bad things and controls everything, but no one seems to realize how suffocated she feels, and so she's treated badly.
So my issue is that because of all that, it is blatantly obvious I'm the favorite grandkid. I have my younger sister, sure, but I was valedictorian and had a load of other titles and activities under my belt in high school, and so now my grandma and grandpa are coddling me and my aunt and uncle flat out said they're helping me and my college stuff because my cousin "betrayed" them.
This might all sound very spoiled of me to complain about but the problem is that my dysphoria is getting unbearable. I've been closeted for three years, and I can hardly look in a mirror at all without wanting to die, but if I come out, I'll a) lose very valuable support, which I need so much because I don't have a car and it eases up on my stress about how I'm going to afford to get a car and pay for college and later on an apartment on top of paying for transitioning, and b) I don't want to break their hearts.
I don't like my family, I'm fundamentally opposed to everything they do, but I keep a facade up to keep them from hating me, and now they've had to struggle with one of my cousins distancing himself from the family without any explanation why and now my other cousin is doing the same, and I don't want to be the third to do that. I have such a huge emotional burden on me, and I don't know why because I don't feel love for them and I hate them and all they make me suffer through (it's been a lot more than just the closeted trans person thing), but I don't want to make them wonder where they went wrong with me, especially after they've formed such an attachment to me and let me know straight up I'm their favorite.
I'm already struggling with a lot of emotional issues that my parents have never taken me to therapy for on accusations that I'm faking it all for attention and I'm so exasperated and heartbroken and tired and I don't know what to do or where to turn. I'm trapped in a small Kansas town with no way to get out. I have a job, and it's an hourly, part time job, and I'm saving up as much as I can, but that's the only thing I have right now.
I really, really need to come out, I don't know how much more of this I can take, but the results of me doing that are disastrous. Does anyone have any advice on what to do at all? Or at least some encouragement? I'm feeling very defeated and overwhelmed.
P.S. I've hoped that maybe my parents are better than I expect them to be when I come out, so I've tried testing the waters with things. One time I said we should respect gay people and my mom threw a Bible at me and I got screamed at for two hours (this isn't an exaggeration, I swear on my life), so this is like... a really dire situation for me.
