being called attention seeking

[Peep]

I spoke to my parents about telling my family that I'm transitioning as I'm likely to start HRT relatively soon. My mother said that she didn't want me to tell anyone in case 'it doesn't go ahead' or in case I 'don't go through with it.' She also talks about how i shouldn't be transitioning into a 'new persona'. Basically she says that they can't stop me, but they don't believe me or trust me to know what I'm doing.


My parents say that they'll support me but they won't actually help me with anything from legal things like changing my name (which i'm finding tricky b/c i'm dyslexic and i don't always understand legal forms) to coming out to the rest of my family. They said they bought me a couple of t-shirts as if that's what i asked for or as if I'm a child that wants to be a movie character that they're just indulging! I don't understand why they can't get past this childish idea of skirts versus trousers - I'm 25 years old, and they're acting as if I'm asking for a fire truck for christmas instead of a barbie doll

Then last night we were talking and again they said that I'm an adult and they trust me to make adult choices and don't have a right to stop me, which is correct - but later i overheard my mother saying that I'm only doing it for attention because I'm bored. It's just really insulting to be treated this way. i've been waiting for almost a year to start coming out to protect my parents' feelings and to let them get used to it, but that will only work if they're trying to get used to it. Instead what they're doing is lying to me and hoping I'll 'get past the phase' - as if i was a 14 year old acting out. I don't understand how anyone would think that an adult would do something like this that endangers their career, education and relationship just for attention from their parents

and it's not as if i need attention from my parents - i live with them, i see them every day. i mean sometimes i need less attention haha

i just don't know how to get past this feeling of betrayal. i don't like arguing with people or being angry but it won't go away. i only came out because i thought i had the privilege of accepting parents - or at least ones that would trust me enough to believe me, or would try to have some empathy. they seem to expect to be congratulated just for not kicking me out of the house. i mean, i didn't expect to be thrown my own pride parade, and i know that it could be much worse, but i also really didn't expect to be told that i'm a liar, or called overdramatic, or told that nothing i do is for myself, it's for attention.

and what if it's true? i now don't feel like i can trust my own choices or feelings. if i'm only looking for attention that means that transitioning won't make me any happier, and i'll feel this way forever. i don't know if i can move forwards or backwards and i don't have anyone to talk to about it who won't take their side.

[Cindy]

I might be wrong in which case please forgive me. But you seem to be saying 'Listen up, I'm independent I'll do my own thing, but I'm still dependent on you'.

You are 25, I'm constantly amazed about why people stay at home and not move on, if you are 25 get out of the family, live your life, you don't depend on anyone.

That way you don't need anyone but you. You still love family etc but you live your life.

I suppose I'm jaded, I left home at 17 and emigrated at 22 by myself and I am amazed that people hang on to 'stuff' and expect 'stuff' to change.

Just my thoughts

[Mariah]

I'm so sorry that they said. Often when others don't understand they will try and say it is because of one thing or another that we are "seeking attention", but in the end that lack of understanding is being use to try and guide us in the direction they think we should be heading or away from something they may not agree with or understand. Only you can live your life and I suppose that is what your parents need to understand. We all have to do what we need to do. I hope your able to find away to show them that because only through educating them and showing them in many ways that it is your life and your in charge of it that maybe they will get the message. I wish you the best of luck with them.

Our transitions are focused on us and us as a result it does result in attention our direction, but they need to know that isn't the intention of your transition. It's to deal with your health, needs and who you are. Hugs
Mariah

[WarGrowlmon1990]

     That's a tough situation. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. My mom is kind of like that, telling me not to transition. She tells me that she's worried I'm going to lose everything I've got going on in my life or that I could get harrassed/murdered/ the typical dangers that come with being trans. She thinks she's being supportive, but by telling me to stay closeted, she really isn't. Your family doesn't seem to be supportive either. People like that just assume that accepting a trans person only means keeping them in their life. True acceptance is supporting us throughout our transition. I'm not sure if you've got the courage to talk to them about them saying it's for attention (I have severe social anixety and have a hard time dealing with confrontation), but if you're up to it, it would be a good idea to be straight up with them and tell them that this is who you are. Tell them that they need to accept your for the person you TRULY are, and not the person that they THINK you are. Even though they aren't being blatantly transphobic, what they are doing to you is toxic. Over ten years ago when I first realized I wasn't cis, my parents jumped to the conclusion that it was all a phase for attention and that I was confused.  I eventually forced myself back into the closet to appease them and it did far more harm than good (I think I'm worse than I've ever been in terms of my dysphoria and mental well-being). When our loved ones deny who we are and we keep it to ourselves, the effects it has on us can be devastating.

[Elis]

My dad who i live with is the same way. I didn't come out for years because he doesn't understand anything LGBT; then when i did he said some really offensive stuff that he still hasn't apologised for. I had to do everything transition wise in my own which sucked. He's getting better but we don't talk about trans stuff even though the changes from T are becoming really apparent. It's frustrating as hell. Yer i kniw its made me a much more resilient person which im thankful for. I would move out but can only do a pt job atm and have a course to pay for so its a no go atm. I'm 22 btw. Just ignore your parents like i do; they're not worth your time.

[Peep]

My dad who i live with is the same way. I didn't come out for years because he doesn't understand anything LGBT; then when i did he said some really offensive stuff that he still hasn't apologised for. I had to do everything transition wise in my own which sucked. He's getting better but we don't talk about trans stuff even though the changes from T are becoming really apparent. It's frustrating as hell. Yer i kniw its made me a much more resilient person which im thankful for. I would move out but can only do a pt job atm and have a course to pay for so its a no go atm. I'm 22 btw. Just ignore your parents like i do; they're not worth your time.

The thing is i don't mind going to the GIC and everything on my own, its just that they've very into - almost overly into - everything else that i do in my life, and yet this thing they won't even touch, which i feel is very telling, and surprising.

I might be wrong in which case please forgive me. But you seem to be saying 'Listen up, I'm independent I'll do my own thing, but I'm still dependent on you'.

You are 25, I'm constantly amazed about why people stay at home and not move on, if you are 25 get out of the family, live your life, you don't depend on anyone.

That way you don't need anyone but you. You still love family etc but you live your life.

I suppose I'm jaded, I left home at 17 and emigrated at 22 by myself and I am amazed that people hang on to 'stuff' and expect 'stuff' to change.

Just my thoughts

I might be wrong but I think that the economic climate may have changed since you were 17. I'm sorry but this post is not about my financial stability or whether or not i'm moving out fast enough and it's very reductive and dismissive to suggest that all of my problems would be solved by moving out so that i can essentially have the same bad experiences over the phone and not face to face.

I'm not asking them for money, I'm not asking them to buy me things (although they seem to think that that's what I want) and I'm not asking for them to speak for me, I'm asking for simple things like 'will you proof read this form', 'can you help me choose a reputable solicitor' - all things that they would do without being asked for my (even older) brother. The response has been that I'm literally ruining their lives. I can't even conversationally mention changing my name without being second guessed or told that me wanting to not feel like i'm dying is very difficult for everyone around me.

They also say that they don't want me to leave or move out and I resent the idea that i should have to do this in order to make them believe that I'm serious, or to punish them in some way. I am doing this my own way - i inititated it, I made all the appointments and have done all of the research - but because they're my parents and they claim that they want to support me I tried to include them by asking what should i do about my younger siblings (who they're still responsible for and have a say about) and for help with extended family (who I don't have a relationship with at the moment whereas my family do), and the response has been that I'm a burden and a faker. Would this have been different if i was paying my own rent...? regardless of whose house I'm in they will still apparently always believe that I am a liar, and so i don't see how being on my own would help with that at all.

Aside from finances, I'm sorry that I'm still emotionally attached to my own parents at the age of 25. But if it should be so easy to just up and abandon them, then maybe that's what i need to do.

She tells me that she's worried I'm going to lose everything I've got going on in my life or that I could get harrassed/murdered/ the typical dangers that come with being trans. She thinks she's being supportive, but by telling me to stay closeted, she really isn't. Your family doesn't seem to be supportive either. People like that just assume that accepting a trans person only means keeping them in their life.

Yes i've had the scare tactics from them as well, but that was a while ago so i thought they were over that 'phase' :P

[Tessa James]

Hey Peep,

Many of us have heard that one before.  It can be a perspective that is reinforced by our need to finally address and take care of a long term problem.  I know my transition has been at the top of my personal attention list and some friends and family find my trans talk to be too much and too often.  It does take our attention but it is not necessary to get that from others.

To me this is an understandable response to my years of denial and closeting.  What I think some folks are saying is "you want our attention or public attention"  These can be dramatic changes and yes we will get some pointed attention but I doubt many of us are in transition for that reason.  Many trans people are, in fact, threatened by the unwanted levels of attention that can impact our safety, jobs or relationships.

I do trans 101 presentations and some people make these kinds of suggestions about transition or being transgender being a choice.  And why then would someone want to be one who can be reviled as a hated minority, stared at, discriminated against and hurt??  It doesn't make sense and seems a simplistic and trivializing response to our complex lives.   

I trust you can find better support and hopefully your folks will come around.

[Peep]

Well I'm going to talk to my older brother tomorrow, so I'll let you know how that goes :/

I don't think it can be a case of me talking trans stuff too often as i've only mentioned it a few times in the last year - I've been accused of being faking and being attention seeking from the beginning. they've been hoping I'll give it up

It's not really that I want help, it's more that I know that they're purposely not helping me in order to make me give up, which means that they a/ don't care if transitioning will make me happier, b/ don't trust that i've made this decision for any other reason that attention and c/ think that i'll give up very easily if i don't 'get what i want' ie attention, and all of that is a pretty poor opinion to have about someone, and i'm quite hurt lol

[Mariah]

Good luck, I hope it goes well. Hugs
Mariah

[Peep]

Good luck, I hope it goes well. Hugs
Mariah

thanks :) even if it doesn't go well it'll be a weight off, not knowing either way feels worse haha

[Mariah]

From my experience not knowing is worse. At least with all the cards on the table you will know where you stand. Secondly, first reactions can and do change so even if it doesn't go well that could change later. Good luck
Hugs
Mariah

thanks even if it doesn't go well it'll be a weight off, not knowing either way feels worse haha

[Kylo]

Yep, had this happen to me too. From parents who definitely are qualified to know better.

And this was AFTER two conversations in which I thought I'd got the message through and they were happily asking me all sorts of questions about what it feels like and what it means to be trans. I don't doubt my own convictions on the matter but I do doubt my mother's, because she's a closet drunk and constantly seems to change her opinion on what trans people are depending on the level of drunk when talking. And I have no idea which is the real opinion of hers. But she HAS spent more than 3 decades delighting in telling me I was always "different somehow" (how a kid is meant to react to that precisely I don't know). There's a bit of evidence from the horse's mouth that the horse can't deny.

If you weren't someone who needed their attention before all the time, or their approval, or wanted them to know your doings then you're probably not attention seeking at all. If you don't have a personality that demands other people to know what you are doing so you can see their reactions and if you don't obsess over how people react to what is a 'satisfactory level' to you, you are probably not attention seeking from them and they are just kidding themselves.

One thing I did come up against in my situation was that my family were kind of ignoring me and I felt somewhat hurt that they don't seem to give half a crap about me. They barely called me, my stepdad never does and he never answers the phone so I can only assume he doesn't give half a crap, and my mother very rarely calls at all. In contrast they see my sister pretty much every weekend because of my mother's sudden inexplicable need to elbow in on her grandchildren. She sees them a bunch, never stops talking about them and invites them on holidays without my sister present. I think she has no love whatever for her own kids but wants some influence over these grandkids. So there was an issue there for me of "I want them to actually care, and it doesn't feel like they do - but am I attention-seeking?" well, getting no contact from my family in like 3 years and being kinda pissed about that is justified I think. Because you do expect a certain level of acknowledgement from a family, especially if you've had one where you had to pull together before and deal with difficult relatives. I don't expect them to care about every thing in my life but a phone call once a decade would be nice. So I'm not surprised you feel they ought to treat you better and they probably should, and I wouldn't call that attention seeking. Being ignored - as I have discovered - by people who you respect or who once respected you, is infuriating. And since being trans is a significant part of life for a trans person if that part is ignored it's something of a denial of the person.

Fact they're into everything else you do but the trans thing is very telling. My family are not into anything I do particularly - maybe because I do live 300 plus miles away but with today's technology there's no real excuse for a lack of communication - but I discovered that this is a topic they avoid with me and jabber about among themselves like nothing else. Rather than ask ME about it, they'd rather ask elderly relatives their opinion on my behavior - and it's funny because I've got a track record of being a little "different" but not outright irrational or bizarre. They can't say I've gone nuts or that I'm a fashion victim, so they're probably searching for something else to try to justify the problem as we type.

[Peep]

Thanks for replying everyone

yeah it's not really attention that I want - I mean real attention seekers want any attention, good or bad, and i don't want to have these negative circular conversations. i also don't want to be upset, like who enjoys being hurt and sad? lol What i'm looking for is just advice, and maybe not to be blamed for things that i can't change - like the future possibility that maybe someone might say something mean to one of my family members etc. I don't want that to happen but until it actually does I don't want to stress out about it. I basically got called attention seeking for asking why they would help me understand my student loans or with my taxes but not with changing my name...?

That said, I talked to my brothers today and they were all really great, especially the younger ones (who started suggesting names for me even though I told them I'd already changed it... they weren't impressed that i missed the opportunity to go for something more exciting... ) and so as far as my parents go I don't know if I'll be confronting them on this issue. it's probably better to just keep going and hope that their opinion will change over time when they see that I'm serious.

The only remaining problem is my mother, she's still quite upset even though my brothers took it well, but she won't tell me which elements exactly upset her -- i wish i knew because it might be a question i can actually answer or something that i can change

so yeah i'm still kind of upset but i'm going to try to be rational and not stir the pot haha

[KarlMars]

Don't worry about being called attention seeking. It's a pretty common answer to hearing about someone being trans. That's one of the first things a therapist that didn't know how to deal with trans people told me- that I was doing this for attention. I have a new therapist now.

[Peep]

Does we think that asking my parents to educate themselves/ providing them with some info would be construed as attention seeking? It's just that by their own admission they know absolutely nothing about 'this whole thing,' and they've asked a few questions that I find difficult or awkward to answer, and i wish they would read about things themselves. They're not computer illiterate... and if they don't want the responsibility of helping me, why should it be my responsibility to educate them? :P

Pettiness aside I think it might help to see some written info as I might not have remembered every legal detail, and also i'd like to show them some examples of trans guys living 'normal' lives so that they can stop telling me that i will become a hermit rejected from society

However I'm now afraid to even be the one to bring up anything remotely trans related in case it's construed as abnormal behaviour to be interested in my own future, and i don't want them to stop using my new name in an attempt to discourage my delusions :P

[Thea]

Hi Peep,
I get what you're saying. My wife keeps saying that my desire to transition is because, in her words, I'm "a narcissistic, self-centered, ego-maniacal A-hole." Well, she is entitled to her opinion I guess. I try not to let it get to me. We have to do what we feel we must. "To thine own self be true."

Cindy, it isn't the same world it once was. I too left home when I was 17 and I never looked back. I tried to get my son to do the same but it just wasn't financially practical. He worked really hard at it and finally got out just before his 20th birthday.

[Daria67]

So sorry to hear of your struggle.  I am having a similar pushback from my family.  My mother is convinced I am having a midlife crisis.  My brother won't talk to me.  The trick is, I feel,  is to surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends. 

Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk

[Tessa James]

So sorry to hear of your struggle.  I am having a similar pushback from my family.  My mother is convinced I am having a midlife crisis.  My brother won't talk to me.  The trick is, I feel,  is to surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends. 

Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk

And sometime it is the intentional family, that we create, that makes the bigger difference for our shared success and happiness.  Our real friends and caring family members will be in our corner.  The rest often come around or reveal themselves to be the less educated and less compassionate folks who could continue to harm us.  More exposure to that lot is at a cost IMO and experience.

[Tristyn]

I spoke to my parents about telling my family that I'm transitioning as I'm likely to start HRT relatively soon. My mother said that she didn't want me to tell anyone in case 'it doesn't go ahead' or in case I 'don't go through with it.' She also talks about how i shouldn't be transitioning into a 'new persona'. Basically she says that they can't stop me, but they don't believe me or trust me to know what I'm doing.


My parents say that they'll support me but they won't actually help me with anything from legal things like changing my name (which i'm finding tricky b/c i'm dyslexic and i don't always understand legal forms) to coming out to the rest of my family. They said they bought me a couple of t-shirts as if that's what i asked for or as if I'm a child that wants to be a movie character that they're just indulging! I don't understand why they can't get past this childish idea of skirts versus trousers - I'm 25 years old, and they're acting as if I'm asking for a fire truck for christmas instead of a barbie doll

Then last night we were talking and again they said that I'm an adult and they trust me to make adult choices and don't have a right to stop me, which is correct - but later i overheard my mother saying that I'm only doing it for attention because I'm bored. It's just really insulting to be treated this way. i've been waiting for almost a year to start coming out to protect my parents' feelings and to let them get used to it, but that will only work if they're trying to get used to it. Instead what they're doing is lying to me and hoping I'll 'get past the phase' - as if i was a 14 year old acting out. I don't understand how anyone would think that an adult would do something like this that endangers their career, education and relationship just for attention from their parents

and it's not as if i need attention from my parents - i live with them, i see them every day. i mean sometimes i need less attention haha

i just don't know how to get past this feeling of betrayal. i don't like arguing with people or being angry but it won't go away. i only came out because i thought i had the privilege of accepting parents - or at least ones that would trust me enough to believe me, or would try to have some empathy. they seem to expect to be congratulated just for not kicking me out of the house. i mean, i didn't expect to be thrown my own pride parade, and i know that it could be much worse, but i also really didn't expect to be told that i'm a liar, or called overdramatic, or told that nothing i do is for myself, it's for attention.

and what if it's true? i now don't feel like i can trust my own choices or feelings. if i'm only looking for attention that means that transitioning won't make me any happier, and i'll feel this way forever. i don't know if i can move forwards or backwards and i don't have anyone to talk to about it who won't take their side.

Peep, I think you are a very thoughtful and considerate guy. But I think you need to reach a point where the thoughts and feelings of others do not discourage you like this or make you so worried. Quite frankly, so what if your family are in absolute disagreement with your transitioning, no matter their excuse? I mean, I think that as long as you focus on what you really want out of the transition then what others think about it shouldn't matter like that. People always have something to say, even family. I know it's so much easier said than done but why does your family's thoughts bother you this much? I think it has to do with confirmation from those closest to you. It's understandable, just try to learn to brush their opinions off of you.