Emily, I think your biggest obstacle is your mindset. You are too down on yourself and constantly come up with lists of reasons why you can't do this and can't do that. They're nothing more than excuses to protect yourself. I know how it is because I make excuses on why I can't/won't do things all the time. Changing your mindset is extremely difficult, especially without support, but unless it becomes more positive your chances of getting a job or succeeding in other areas will remain low.
I would toss out your ASD right from the start. It doesn't matter. Every human being has strengths and weaknesses. I've worked with people with significant mental disabilities who've held down jobs and you are way better off than they are. Nothing I've seen from your posts makes me think you aren't able to work. You are not broken. You are not incapable. All of these entry level jobs that have been discussed in these threads are all within your capabilities. You have to believe in yourself, focus on what you want in life, and work tirelessly to achieve it.
As far as jobs themselves...you aren't going to find an easy slow paced uncompetitive job that hands you money for just trying. If such a job existed then there would be 7 billion people applying for it. Work is hard. Work is stressful. Even entry level work. It's just a part of life that has to be accepted and dealt with. You don't have to be the fastest or the most competitive, you just have to be faster and more competitive than the person standing next to you.
Your inner dialog has to change. Before even looking for a job, make friends who will support you emotionally. If you can bring yourself to having a brighter outlook on things, you'll find that they aren't as difficult to conquer as you once thought.
