Was there a time you didnt think you were trans?

[WolfNightV4X1]

I know there are a lot of questioning people out there too so I know its a given at least some of us were

I didnt always know what a transgender was, so when I did start to learn what they are, I didnt automatically decide I was a part of it, just someone on the other side of the gender role spectrum, and I didnt want to take to something and steal 'the spotlight', per se, of those who actually were transgender and not someone like me who was probably just playing at it

But as time went on it was hard to ignore, part of my ever waking thoughts, it just clicked too well


...so I used to be on the outside looking in, now Im on the inside looking out.

[Peep]

I definitely thought that i wasn't 'trans enough' for a long time, and tentatively identified as genderqueer or gender non conforming, if at all. but then i realised that while i don't always share the same childhood history with other ftms, or the same fashion sense, i definitely have body dysphoria and not being read as male reminds me of that, so i want to be read as male ergo i am pretty much just trans

I was already in my twenties by that point - but i don't think i 'thought i was a girl' before that. i feel like i didn't think of myself of having a gender at all pre-puberty. If i had to think about gender or myself as being gendered as a child i was always disappointed to remember that people saw me as a girl, but i don't know if i would have insisted that i was a boy either. Maybe i'm really transitioning from agender to male lol :P

[Elis]

Of course; didn't even know trans existed until I was 19 and realised i liked women but felt lesbian didn't fit me. I had faint memories of seeing mtfs in documentaries but didn't understand it. I didn't identify with the cliches and stereotypes so didn't feel trans enough. I thought i was genderqueer then ftm and now im back to realising im not binary.

[Lady Sarah]

When I was growing up, trans people were just a rumor. Everyone knew I was different, even back in kindergarten. With nobody knowing what trans was, I was just called a girl. While they may have been right all along, I did have moments when I denied it.

[Deborah]

Not really.  Although there have been times if I wondered if maybe I was just insane instead.  Until a couple of years ago I would have doubts now and then when reading the multitude of conflicting things on the internet.  Things like that which shall not be spoken of in this forum.  But those doubts were always fleeting.


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[Kylo]

Well, I don't think there has ever been a point at the beginning of any realization in which I was 100% sure of something right away. At first when I looked into what transgender and sexual reassignment was, I assumed that my condition wasn't serious enough simply because I've not been driven insane by it; I can still live my life, I can still function as a person despite the unhappiness and awkwardness... and because of that assumption that this surgery is very serious and is probably only done on people whom are so disturbed by their condition that they can't function... I did think I probably was making a mountain out of a molehill at first. I assumed you had to have serious psychological disturbance before you would even be considered for surgery and a change of name and gender on all documents. General ignorance on the topic in the world around me didn't help.

Then there is the fact that for the whole of my life I've had the attitude that life feels generally quite awful and uncomfortable, and that perhaps this was just the inescapable reality of everybody. Another assumption on my part. I just felt that it would never get better, that the horrible state of life as I felt it was just a fact of life that had to be lived with. 

Because of this it did take some time to get to the conclusion that I qualified for transition.

[Peep]

Well, I don't think there has ever been a point at the beginning of any realization in which I was 100% sure of something right away. At first when I looked into what transgender and sexual reassignment was, I assumed that my condition wasn't serious enough simply because I've not been driven insane by it; I can still live my life, I can still function as a person despite the unhappiness and awkwardness... and because of that assumption that this surgery is very serious and is probably only done on people whom are so disturbed by their condition that they can't function... I did think I probably was making a mountain out of a molehill at first. I assumed you had to have serious psychological disturbance before you would even be considered for surgery and a change of name and gender on all documents. General ignorance on the topic in the world around me didn't help.

Then there is the fact that for the whole of my life I've had the attitude that life feels generally quite awful and uncomfortable, and that perhaps this was just the inescapable reality of everybody. Another assumption on my part. I just felt that it would never get better, that the horrible state of life as I felt it was just a fact of life that had to be lived with. 

Because of this it did take some time to get to the conclusion that I qualified for transition.

A lot of this is true for me too

i also had this issue where if i talked about my chest dysphoria (though i didn't know that's what it was) among cis women - they would agree that they also hated the size of their chests, or their hips. it seemed like society expected afab people to be uncomfortable and unhappy with their bodies, which made some parts of my dysphoria (obvs not bottom dysphoria lol) seem like a normal way to think

[Thea]

I went for most of my life flopping between thinking I was trans and thinking I was a sick, bad person.
I would spend a pile of money on clothes and makeup and for a while feel great about myself. Then get a case of the guilts and toss it all out, resolving to control myself and be a "better man." A few months, even years would go by, then I would repeat the cycle all over again.
Life is too short to go on that way. I really do love myself more when I let myself be free with no pressure either way. I dress how I feel at the time and don't worry about what others are going to think.

[cheryl reeves]

I've always known I was different I didn't fit in and became a outcast. I seen and read enough about what later became transgender too draw my own conclusions on what I am.  I kinda got good at portraying a guy and fooling people into thinking I was a guy,when in fact I'm a woman deep down inside.

[Mariah]

Due to my being intersex, I never doubted that I'm trans. I never gave it a second thought. Hugs
Mariah

[Amanda_Combs]

There are two times for me.  I used to not know what trans was.  Even when I first heard of it, I still didn't understand it.  Of course once I got enough details, I realized that it all totally sounds like me.  Also there's the moments during every day when I think, "woah!  I got stuff all wrong, and my problems have nothing to do with my gender."  Then, of course, I look into a mirror and get sad.  I always go back to being sure, but it's really frustrating that certainty about being trans is so elusive for me.

[SanaRinomi]

Yes there was a time before I was 9. Sadly can't remember that far back.

                                       Love,  Sarina!

[KarlMars]

I had signs and thoughts of being transgender all my life but never had a label to put on it until my early 20s. I was having a conversation with someone how about how much I hated being a woman and how my idea of feminism was stripping myself of femininity which had been pushed on me by my relatives and then later I realized what I really meant by that and started to present fully as male. I don't know if wanting to have super short hair all my life had anything to do with my gender identity, but long before I thought I was trans I insisted on having all my hair cut off super short and my nails cut short for hygienic purposes.

[DarkWolf_7]

There was a long time I didn't know trans was even a thing, not until I was 15 or so and it is clearly not unusual for women to be uncomfortable about bits and pieces about their bodies. Even when I did learn I didn't connect the dots that this could be me because everyone tried to justify someone being transgender with this stereotypical narrative that I didn't fit. And then I just felt guilty about the way I felt.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

i also had this issue where if i talked about my chest dysphoria (though i didn't know that's what it was) among cis women - they would agree that they also hated the size of their chests, or their hips. it seemed like society expected afab people to be uncomfortable and unhappy with their bodies, which made some parts of my dysphoria (obvs not bottom dysphoria lol) seem like a normal way to think

So true! Also, hating periods is pretty common with AFAB people although most of them don't dissociate the way I did. And so many cis women have had hystos. Few cis women actively want their breasts to be gone, though (some lose them to cancer and kind of shrug it off, while other cis women get dysphoric). As I've come out to coworkers some have commented on this. Wanting breast reduction is pretty common, OTOH.

I guess that all could have confused me more if I didn't have the persistent notion since puberty that I wasn't one of them. I feel a little guilty listening into all those reproductive surgery conversations (even though I was really curious) because they didn't realize they were telling all that stuff to a guy.

[KarlMars]

So true! Also, hating periods is pretty common with AFAB people although most of them don't dissociate the way I did. And so many cis women have had hystos. Few cis women actively want their breasts to be gone, though (some lose them to cancer and kind of shrug it off, while other cis women get dysphoric). As I've come out to coworkers some have commented on this. Wanting breast reduction is pretty common, OTOH.

I guess that all could have confused me more if I didn't have the persistent notion since puberty that I wasn't one of them. I feel a little guilty listening into all those reproductive surgery conversations (even though I was really curious) because they didn't realize they were telling all that stuff to a guy.

I wish I had never heard any of those female conversations unfortunately living in a female body I had to know what to avoid.

[LizK]

I drank so much booze I was dam near incapable of having a fully coherent thought...One day I turned up for Nursing lectures and the Topic was Transexualism. Terrified the hell out of me...treatments were not exactly progressive...better I just dive on back into that bottle than face that awful mess...and I did just that for the next 35 years...each time I sobered up I convinced my self I was not trans...but that never worked for long and I always went back to the bottle.

Liz             

[WolfNightV4X1]

I relate to a lot of these, honestly.

I too wasnt sure if I was 'trans enough', that I didnt 'qualify', because I wasnt necessarily someone suicidal or depressed, Ive always been fairly stable. Just mostly uncomfortable and more unhappy than I realized, and moreso when I learned I was trans.

I also did not think I'd be trans because I thought my uncomfortable-ness might just be fairly normal. Puberty is uncomfortable for everyone, after all. Feeling shame for one's own body can be, at times. Cis people experience this too. I never wanted periods and I hated breasts, but I eventually wanted these for the sake of being 'normal' (I was paranoid in my youth that if I didnt develop these normal female traits that I'd have to go to invasive doctors appointments that would make me uncomfortable) when I did start to develop these, or want to, I soon realized it sucks and I hated it all over again. Its not something I want or need. Normality be damned.

I also considered the fact that maybe just because I liked 'boy things' doesnt mean Im trans. Most my traits, interests, and presentation lies towards liking more male things. I assumed at first I am just a tomboy, transitioning wasnt necessary. I know this. Im aware of this, but I still felt it didnt feel right to be a boyish girl...It feels more comfortable to be a he and to be a man.


I know in a sense Ive always been because looking back the signs were there, but I didnt know it until, as said before, my feelings had a label and I dont have to settle for normal.

[wanessa.delisola]

My hole life i felt uncomfortable with myself, since I was a kid. I remember seeing a soap opera when I was like 10, where there was this feminine character that was a hermaphrodite. That really got into me. Of course, at the time, I didnt really understand what a hermaphordite was, but, a character that was born with a penis and then became a woman (thats what I understood at the time, of course)... wow... just, wow... I spend a lot of time back then wishing that I too was like that girl in the tv who was born a man. Of course, later, I learn that was not the case... but that didnt change what I felt... When I was even younger, I remember having a toy with interchangeable parts that you use to make a draw. It had 3 different parts that together form a character for your draw, Legs, Torso and Head, wich you could combine. It had a human, a lizard man, and another one that i cant remember, but, I always made the human head and torso with the lizard legs, because (and that was concious) the lizard man didnt had a penis.
Or course, for a long time, i didnt realize that I am trans. To this day, sometimes I still think that i'm not "trans enough" (like Peep said), so, I still havent trasitioned. Kinda crazy, i guess...

[Amanda_Combs]

I also did not think I'd be trans because I thought my uncomfortable-ness might just be fairly normal. Puberty is uncomfortable for everyone, after all.

That's exactly why having support from cis people willing to be allies is so important.  In my mind, i can believe that all the things i feel are normal things that every man feels.  Then as I'm talking with my best male friend, I can ask, "You wish you had boobs, right?"  He never judges me, but the way he reacts to those things makes it clear that, as a cismale, he doesn't relate to those feelings at all.  It's extremely helpful, to just get a little more clarity.