I am such a coward

[Gabbytru]

A few weeks ago when I was drunk I told my wife I wanted to live my life as a woman and that I had always felt this way. So she hasn't let me drink anymore because she thinks that is what is making me feel like that. I made a appointment to see a therapist when I told her she got all mad and started asking me why I was like this and how long have I felt this way and if I decide to continue to be like this she will kick me out. I didn't know what to say she just gets so mad and started pushing me yelling all crazy. I just told her to leave me alone and walked away I don't know why I didn't tell her the truth but I'm honestly scared of what she will do and my kids are there and I don't want them to see or to find out about me like this. I'm not sure how to tell her any advice would be helpful thank you.

[Annaiyah]

Hi Gabbytru,

First off, you're not a coward, and i'm sorry that you're in this situation with your wife. Do you have any trusted friends or relatives you can stay with for the timebeing? If so my advice to you would be to go move in with them if your wife can't accept you being trans, but yes, you definitely should sit her down and tell her that this definitely is who you are and it's not the drinks talking.

[EllenP]

Let's start a club, Gabby.  Since I was 18, I have suffered from depression and anxiety (is there any surprise here?).  Now 60, I have known since I was 10 that I was a girl but attempted to blend in with the boys.  Tall, somewhat athletic, I did blend in.  Fast forward to last month.  I couldn't take it anymore, THE SECRET was killing me.  So I finally officially came out to myself, "I am a transgender Woman," and then to my therapist (for the aforementioned depression and anxiety.).  I haven't told my wife.   I am afraid to, for what she would do - toss me out.  I honestly don't function very well out in society and we can blame that on the depression and anxiety, but we all know that the root cause for all my troubles is attempting to live as a man while I am internally a woman.  I believe that when I finally address my gender dysphoria and solve that problem, then everything else will fall into place.  That may be simplistic, certainly over optimistic, but I see my unaddressed dysphoria as the root of my problems.  I am planning to move forward with addressing it, but we both know how hard that is when we have already established a life in a different gender.

Let's start a club!

[Thessa]

I'm sorry that you are in such a situation, I can totally relate, I was in a similar situation not so long ago.

Sorry to be so blunt but it should be mentioned:
I don't know your countries laws, but it could be a bad decision to move out and used against you in the future should she wants a divorce. I my country it's called something like malicious abandonment.

You are no coward and the most important thing right know is communicating maybe with some help of a therapist.

I wish you all the best!

Hugs

[KathyLauren]

Please don't think of yourself as a coward, Gabby.  You are not.

I have done some macho-type things in my life (air force jet pilot, firefighter) so I don't think most people would think of me as a coward.  Yet it took me about 8 months to work up the courage to tell my wife.  You are not a coward!  This is just a really, really difficult thing to do!  And it is more difficult if your spouse is not understanding.  (I married a saint!)

Sorry, I don't have any advice to offer.   Perhaps it would help to talk to a cousellor or therapist?

[Dena]

At this point you need to see a therapist as soon as possible so you can talk this out in detail. A secondary consideration is if you think the home life is going to become an issue, you should see a lawyer for legal advice as to how you want to handle this so you are fairly treated should the worst happen. You have rights with the children and you don't want to do anything that puts them at risk. For a while your life is going to get complicated and I'm not sure the marriage will last but if you are careful, you won't be the one to blame.

Your wife has one thing right and for now, you should stay away from alcohol because you will need a clear head and you don't want to make any mistakes. If you need to escape, spend time outside or take walks to cool off so you are not under direct fire from your wife.

[NessaBlue]

You're not a coward.  Telling my wife was the most difficult thing I have ever done.

I'm sorry to hear your wife is so angry, but it's a devastating shock to her and likely seems like its just coming out of the blue.  Take a look at the Significant Others forum here and ->-bleeped-<-.  Hopefully you can find something there that might help her better understand what's happening.

Wow, EllenP, that sounds very much like my story. I'd love to join that club if you have room for more 

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[Dena]

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[Janes Groove]

I told my wife I wanted to live my life as a woman.

I bet it probably feels great to finally admit that openly I'm guessing.  There is no shame. It's a good thing.

You've got a lot on your plate right now and I think you should seriously listen to Dena.
It's the best advice you'll get.

[Gabbytru]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Last night we finally sat down and talked she agreed to be peaceful about this and I will be moving out in a couple weeks to give both of us some time to see where we go from here.