A vent

[Elis]

Life sucks. You know when you have tjose times when everything seems positive and then suddenly it switches and you're not sure how to cope. At the moment I'm looking for a job (2 weeks of looking and still getting nowhere). I don't mean to offend people who have been looking for a job much longer; I've been there snd know what that's like. I'm just impatient to get my life started; to stop my dad making snide remarks about my financial situation. I also start a barbering course in September; which although excited about; I just wish I didn't have so much social anxiety which stops me from undertaking a barbering apprenticeship as well. A part time course is as much as I can handle. I know it doesn't mean I'm useless and it's a good thing I know my limits but it just makes me feel trapped or something. I'm seeing a therapist btw which is helping.
Also have stuff with my ex and have a friends with benefits situation recently (I know it's bad). I care for her and yet she doesn't open up and we talk but we only seem to glance the surface. I resort to talking about sex with her when texting just to get her attention. I just wish she could treat me like an actual friend. To go out and do stuff like with her other friends. But she said herself each time she's opened up when we were going out I made it about myself; but I'm trying hard not to do that. But maybe me talking about sex causes that to happen unintentionally. I only like being with her because it's sorts the stress out and becsuse she's the only one who gets me and sees me for me. We can talk fine when together. I think I enjoy her company more than the sex. I'm demisexual and since we broke up I'm unable to truly think of her in that way unlike before. Yet I still sort of like her. Not in love with her but some sort of emotional connection. I don't know. I think I'm mostly gay anyway. I'd prefer it if she had a mans body but can sort of by pass that when with her. I feel some sort of sexual need but I think it's just me wanting her company. I can't make friends at all. I just hate being her whim or us not talking about anything real. She doesn't take my asexuality serious because of the text messages which make me feel like cr*p. I can't explain how I feel when it comes to that.
I just wish that there was a solution to all this but there's not.

[KarlMars]

Is she basically using you for sex and not caring about how you feel?

[Elis]

Is she basically using you for sex and not caring about how you feel?

I think she does care in her own way; when I'vehad job interviews she texts me good luck beforehand. But we don't talk about emotions anymore which is f-ing annoying. She actually invited me out to go shopping last week;  it was alright; mainly her complaining about work and uni. We only went out for an hour or so though because she got tired. Then later we kind of argued a bit; I apologised  (I was definitely in the wrong for not acting more like a friend). Then she casually texted me yesterday like nothing has happened and we had a normal conversation. She's done this before and I just sit at worried that she's really upset or something and then we just carry on as normal.

[KarlMars]

I think she does care in her own way; when I'vehad job interviews she texts me good luck beforehand. But we don't talk about emotions anymore which is f-ing annoying. She actually invited me out to go shopping last week;  it was alright; mainly her complaining about work and uni. We only went out for an hour or so though because she got tired. Then later we kind of argued a bit; I apologised  (I was definitely in the wrong for not acting more like a friend). Then she casually texted me yesterday like nothing has happened and we had a normal conversation. She's done this before and I just sit at worried that she's really upset or something and then we just carry on as normal.

She sounds burnt out from work and college. I wouldn't pay much attention to my friends either if I was working and going to college. Some people just don't talk about their emotions that often.

[Elis]

It's just that she told me recently that before when she talked about her emotions I then made it about me. So now I'm trying my upmost not to do that; so I wish she'd start opening up more. I don't know what goes on and that worries me (she has low self esteem, history of depression and s/h). I mention stuff that makes me down; just wish she could reciprocate more than simply calling my dad a twat  . It doesn't help that I grew up in a emotionally abusive house so I have no idea how to comfort people or show I care. It took me two hours the other day to realise what i did wrong; which was not acting like more if a friend.

[KarlMars]

It's just that she told me recently that before when she talked about her emotions I then made it about me. So now I'm trying my upmost not to do that; so I wish she'd start opening up more. I don't know what goes on and that worries me (she has low self esteem, history of depression and s/h). I mention stuff that makes me down; just wish she could reciprocate more than simply calling my dad a twat  . It doesn't help that I grew up in a emotionally abusive house so I have no idea how to comfort people or show I care. It took me two hours the other day to realise what i did wrong; which was not acting like more if a friend.

I know what you mean. I'm pretty much emotionally unavailable.

[Elis]

Same here; but I don't want to be like my dad so I'm trying not to be. I'm not sure if she gets that's the reason though. Ok I may be a bit dense at times; but most of the time I want to say something comforting and I just can't think of the right combination of words.