How to stop worrying about what other people think?

[mist]

So I have told my wife that I am trans and she supports me fully. My family, not so much, they just don't understand and think I am doing this out of spite or something. I really worry about what other people think about me and its preventing me from living as the woman I know I am inside.

How can I overcome this worry?

[Heita]

First of all it's great that your wife supports you, so if you even feel like the world is giving you hard stares you can always think of her and feel better.

What about your close friends? Do you have a social circle that you are comfortable with? What is the outlook on transpeople at work?

Besides your personal circumstances, what helped me the most is to realise that no-one think about me as much as I believe when I worry. Everyone is immersed in their own lives, they forget about you 5 seconds after having seen you and even in that 5 seconds they weren't scanning your clothes. Even if they do, it's just a passing cloud in their train of thoughts. We matter a lot to a few, are a neutral presence to some, and don't even exist for the vast majority. If someone gets worked up by your looks, think that they would have been upset with just any other trans* ever in your stead.

[EmilyMK03]

It is a waste of energy to worry about things you cannot control.

But if it really is preventing you from transitioning to living as a woman, maybe it means you shouldn't transition.  Simple as that.

[Jacqueline]

Mist,

I am not really one to give advice. I am not fully out to all yet.

However, I think the perspective needs to change. Who are you doing this for? How will it impact you if you stop and make them happy. How will it impact them if you don't? Do they know the degree of discomfort, depression, dysphoria(they probably don't know that word) that pains you? Do they understand what it does to you if you continue on your path?  If you are doing it to be true to yourself and/or to stay alive, how will other's acceptance strike you? It would be nice if everyone liked and accepted each of us...

Why do others not accept us? It is usually not out of pure evil. For some it is quite the opposite. They think they are being good. It is my belief that it boils down to a lack of understanding and/or fear. I believe this is true from some of the more religious objectors to our community. Does your family understand why this is not spite, or do they just not accept it from there? Can you explain it from your perspective?

To what extent do complete strangers and those who do not mean anything to you matter what they say?

Okay, enough philosophical rambling. We can't tell you how to do it. There is only one way for each of us. They are similar and we can share strategies and how we did things. How we distracted ourselves, learned to stay centered and ignore others... but it is you in that skin. Whether it feels like it is comfortable or not. I don't remember if you are seeing a therapist. That is part of their job. To help you figure out the right path for you. If you don't have a therapist, I would highly suggest it for you and your remarkable wife(as remarkable as she seems, she may need to talk to someone in private to work through feelings too).

I may come across as harsh and unfeeling. Perhaps it is because it feels a little like I am talking to myself. I do hope you can work through this in a smooth way that is good for you. It may not all be comfortable what has been comfortable in your life so far? If it were that comfortable, you wouldn't need to change, would you?

So. I wish you love, acceptance (from others and yourself) and a smooth journey.

With warmth,

Joanna

[LivingTheDream]

Coming out and accepting myself was one of the hardest things I've had to overcome in transition...I spent my whole life trying to make people happy, trying to never show weakness or flaws and because of this, I kept everyone at a distance. I was always secretive and kept everything hidden; as a result, I never really had any close relations to anybody else.

I waited a long time into my transition before I started coming out. I had already done a bunch of laser hair removal and I was on hrt for like 6 months before I told a soul.

I agree with what Emily said, "That it's a waste of time worrying about things that you cannot control". I spent sooooo much time worrying about what others would say or do or think of me, going over various outcomes in my head, trying to predict what I would say, how they would respond, etc, that it was pretty sad honestly..I spent countless hours doing that and had many sleepless nights also. It caused me to be depressed, caused me to be exhausted and constantly stressed. The (now) funny thing is, it was all for nothing..None of it went nearly as I planned, some knew already or had an idea that I wasn't "normal", and it turned out to be mostly a non-issue for many people.

I honestly dunno really what actually got me to the point of telling people, I think it was a combination of things. I just got to a point where I felt I HAD to tell a few and so I did and it went okay, I'd say. It wasn't till another 6months to a year that I came out to most people after that tho.

I think being on hrt helped, I think being part time and having gone out in public and not having the world end or any negative experiences out helped by just giving me more confidence and being more comfortable with myself.

In the end, it felt really good. For me, it was just so freeing to drop all that baggage and just put my biggest secret out there and say hey, this is me, like it or leave it.

Idk, maybe I was just lucky but things worked out pretty good for me.

[Androol]

Wish I could learn how to do this. I am so scared of losing my family and friends.

[JoanneB]

... I really worry about what other people think about me and its preventing me from living as the woman I know I am inside.

How can I overcome this worry?

"If your happiness depends on what others do you really have got a problem." Richard Bach.
and my almost daily affirmation
"Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours" Richard Bach

Very simple advice. Often extremely difficult to correct.

When I decided 7 years ago to take the Trans-Beast on for real after 50 years of sparring it dawned on me that I needed to figure out how to get the female side of me to live in peace with the male side. A Win-Win for all of me.

Transitioning starts from the inside, coming to accept yourself for who and what you really are. I can still remember the lightning bolt that shot through me a year or so into therapy when I said for the umpteenth time I am transsexual woman. At that moment is probably when I came to a major level of acceptance. Sure, I still have a fair amount of internalized transphobia. But when I walk down the street or in a store and get that little too long of a look I say to myself "I guess I wasn't lying, I do look as good as I feel". I don't go negative like I did 40 years ago thinking "Some guy in a dress". Either way I'm guessing. Which way is healthier for my self esteem; which I had a negative one before this process?

There will always be people who want to tell you how to run your life. I learned over the years it is ALWAYS easier to tell people how to run THEIR lives then to fix your own. Now that you've taken such a major step towards self-acceptance, do you want to continue living your life in accordance with how you think others want you to? Or, do you want to learn what it is like to be the real you, not the "What is expected" you?

[LauraE]

Wish I could learn how to do this. I am so scared of losing my family and friends.

THIS.

[EmilyMK03]

Transitioning starts from the inside, coming to accept yourself for who and what you really are.

THIS.  This is what it's about.  Once you finally come to terms with who you really are, and fully accept yourself for who you really are, the choice becomes clear.  Any fear or worry pales in comparison to the need to be yourself.

[Tristyn]

So I have told my wife that I am trans and she supports me fully. My family, not so much, they just don't understand and think I am doing this out of spite or something. I really worry about what other people think about me and its preventing me from living as the woman I know I am inside.

How can I overcome this worry?

I think it's natural to be concerned of how people perceive us but it's not good if it's making you anxious to the point that you start to excessively worry over it. You don't have to live like that. That's very self-sabotaging, and I am learning that every day I shut myself away from the rest of the world. Yes, I feel safe and secure in social isolation but I also know I am stunting my growth. "Don't live your life through someone else's eyes," as Robin Thickie sang in Lonely World.

[Lyric]

I've often thought that one of the most distinquishing traits of transsexuality is an inordinate concern with what others think of them. Such concerns seem much less so among other gender and sexual minorities. This is something you need to work on with yourself, for sure.

The best advice on this is the simplest: "Be who you are and say what you feel because people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind" (The quote is generally attributed to Dr. Seuss, though researchers have failed to find it in his works). This is an idea I've come to live by and serves me well. I only wish I'd embraced it earlier.

Spend more time among people who accept you and less among those who do not. Family or not, if they are not supportive of who you are they are not doing you or themselves any good by giving you a hard time. Concentrate on your personal support system instead.