Should I Stay or Should I Go

[LauraE]

January 22, 2024
NOTE: I'm recreating this thread though all the drafts I wrote on Evernote before posting here. When Susan's crashed, this thread, and everything else I'd written, disappeared. This was an important thread to me because I was concerned for my safety and sanity once I decided to go full-time. Many MTFs move to a new city, so I wanted to weigh the pros and cons. I learned much during the time this thread was active and while I'm reposting, gone are all the thoughtful and informative responses I received.


June 24, 2021

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
This post is about the decision to pick up roots to move to a new city to begin full-time life.

I came out to myself and my therapist four years ago this month and now that I've finally surpassed nine continuous months of HRT, I'm beginning to wonder, what's next?

Like many of you, I've lived this transition in the closet, dressing solely inside and rarely going out as Laura. While a few friends know of her, none have met her. They've only interacted with <dead name>. Yet, they are supportive which provides some comfort.

The city I live in, where I arrived 44 years ago, is about an hour and change from the SF Bay Area. I've only known life in Northern California, although I have traveled far and wide. And yet, now that I'm transitioning, I wonder if, when and how I'll progress to 24/7 life as Laura. I established roots here, belong to a local tennis club where I play frequently, and my plane is hangered here. I live in a wonderful neighborhood with multiple young families and plenty of children I love to see playing in a street where few cars travel.

They all know me as <dead name> and I lack the confidence to come out to my neighbors and club members. My close female friend, who also plays tennis with me, is scared what would happen if I became Laura at the club. She knows the other women there and is certain my transition wouldn't go over well with them. I yearn to be Laura in real life, but it doesn't feel like 24/7 life is possible here.

One of the hurdles I've set for myself is passing. I don't have the confidence to be Laura outside if there's a chance of being "clocked" and I'm certain other Susan's members are in the same boat. While I do admire those of you who throw caution to the wind, not caring whether people stare at you, that's not me. My preference is to find a way to be passable, change my name, and then go 24/7.

I look at my face and always see <dead name>, although many of you have been quite kind about my appearance. I don't need to be beautiful as Laura. I only want to blend in with other women and be accepted by women as "one of them." Still, I'll have no idea what effect my FFS will have on my ability to pass until a few months after surgery when the swelling will have subsided. Given that my June 16th FFS has been postponed indefinitely, it could be another year before I know the results, and that is driving me a bit crazy. It's becoming depressing.

And so, my thoughts have gravitated to thinking about picking up stakes and moving to someplace new and accepting in order to be Laura full time, as some of you have already done. I have the means to do so, but the prospect is a bit scary; selling my houses and my partnership in the plane, discarding many of my possessions, and leaving friends and a familiar place behind.   

So, I'm hoping those of you who have made this journey are still reading this post, because I have a few questions for you. I'm assuming that you went full time either just before or upon arrival at your new city.

1. What motivated you to pick up and move to a new city?
2. Were you passable when you arrived there or did you encounter difficult situations when you were clocked?
3. How did you decide where to move? What qualities did you look for in a new location?
4. Are you happy about your decision to leave your old home and <dead name> behind in order to finally be yourself full time?

Thank you for all who made it to the end and I hope to hear from you. As for Alaskan Danielle, I think I could write your responses for you. LOL.

Laura

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks for finding the core of this lost thread Laura. We all have different experiences, and it only takes one connection to help someone discover their truth.

Love always -- Jess

[LauraE]

July 1, 2021

When I first joined Susan's four years ago, you were one of the first women I noticed and and I read your thread from the beginning, where you shared your decision to pick up and move to a small town in Alaska. I was a bit envious then, and now, how easily you passed, allowing you to arrive and not be seen as someone different. When your hygienist clocked you because you didn't have a female mouth, I think that surprised us all but by then, you were a respected and loved member of the community.

Being retired, I won't have to worry about finding employment, although I would like to continue playing tennis and flying, Find a location that has an airport within driving range,, where I might find an airplane partnership is certainly high on my list, but being in a community, whether large or small, that accepts me and other LGBT members is equally, if not more, important. Finding romantic partners isn't part of the equation either. I'm not opposed to it, but finding a place where I can be happy and make new friends is important.

Thank you,

Laura

[LauraE]

July 7, 2021

I heartfeltly appreciate all the responses to this thread, which reinforces to me the importance to have a safe space to share our journeys, successes, and problems. So many of you have chimed in with excellent advice, having lived through the same decision I'm trying to make. For all of you, thank you.

I'm particularly taken with responses by @SarahC and @OldAndCreaky, whose journeys began
where I am now but ended up in very different places. Both seriously considered leaving the familiarity of their home cities to start a
24/7 life as their preferred identity, rejection being one of the primary motivators. I, too, want to be somewhere where I can just be Laura
Fulltime, with people not inquiring or knowing about my former <deadname> life.

In OldAndCreeky's situation, she wanted a life where no one knew of her <deadname's> life, so that she wouldn't be living a life where she had an asterisk by her name. "Sure she's attractive, but she used to be a guy" kind of thing. SarahC, though, cut off ties with her <deadname's> friends and associates, expecting to start life in a new city, but as she slowly came out to a few people at a time, found acceptance and respect. Yes, Sarah's friends will know of her <deadname's> life, but given that they accept her new life and that she gets to stay in the same area is certainly a happy ending for her.

So, these are two possible courses for me. For now, I'm going to keep researching new places for me to land once my FFS has healed and I feel passable enough to feel comfortable as Laura 24/7. Until then, SarahC has pointed to a possible path where I can stay, depending on the reactions as I slowly come out to people.

Oh, this will be interesting. Thank you so much for sharing your advice

Laura

[LauraE]

September 22, 2021

@SarahC,  @OldAndCreaky, 
@KarenA, @RandyL, @Gertrude

This is one of those posts that really intersects both my blog and the Stay or Go thread, so i'm posting in both places.

i've been taking my time with a response, not wanting to make rash decisions or to be too angry in my tone.  I wanted time to give me some perspective both about what's happening to me and to how i should react to it. 

When i created this thread last summer, i knew leaving might be required if i was to live without <deadname>  being part of my past. Of course, passing is helpful and while some of you have said i do pass, i still don't see Laura in the mirror. I've come to terms with that because i finally got to a place where being Laura was more important than being <deadname.> That realization took many years.

The hate that has gradually accumulated the past six weeks, as my partner and i have worked our way up the Interclub try-out ladder, came to a head this week.  In response, i wrote a letter to the group that i've posted on my blog.

Two days after that post, only one person had reached out to provide support. Everyone else, including women who had been supportive, were silent. In perspective, they, too, are compliant with the hate. It's much like if you watched your friend beating me up on the street. Do you just watch, do you ask your friend to stop, or do you try to protect me my stopping the fighting? In my case, people watched and stayed silent.  There's an old saying from my generation, "You're either part of the solution, or you're part of the problem."

It's that atmosphere that helps determine whether i stay or go. Most tennis clubs conduct their try-outs for Women's Interclub in the spring, as ours has, so moving now wouldn't provide me an opportunity to play with a new club. If i were to move, winter, when home sales cool down, might be a better choice.

However, the one friend who has reached out during this mess, has urged us to hold tight, to wait for the dust to settle. Tryouts end in two weeks, after which we'll know whether the mean girls were successful in pulling others out of the team.  Rather than give up and run away (which part of me is really tempted to do),  i'm going to stay, for now, show everyone that i deserve to exist. I'll continue to play, continue to use the women's bathroom, and continue to treat everyone with kindness and respect.

oh, and my neighbors continue to tell me that they're glad i'm staying.

Now, if only i had a cool coffee shop next door, like Danielle has.

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

November 24, 2021
@OldAndCreaky, @SarahC, @RandyL

Staying: No Regrets
Let me preface this, @Danielle, by saying that the longer i'm here, the more i think of you as a friend and little sister. i would love to hang out with you. Susan's wouldn't be the same without your presence. Nor would I.

In response to Danielle's post here about the struggles i've endured recently, chronicled on my One New Life blog, i'd like to bring closure to my Stay or Go decision.

Looking back at last summer, when i'd just begun to come out to person's three to nine, I suspected the passage way to going full-time would be approaching within the next six to nine months. Because i'm a planner, i created this thread, asking all of you about your decision making process and your experiences about staying in place or moving to a new city after going full-time. (I'm still amazed i was thinking that far in advance.)

So many wonderful and thoughtful responses rolled in here which gave me so many perspectives to consider. As i've written about before, Sarah's and Creaky's opposite decisions guided my own path. Both had chosen the path best for them and were happy with their decisions and the results.

What would be best for me?

Well, i continued collecting data, finding a wonderful new housing development just south of Sacramento, and after visiting twice, was convinced that, should i pull the "go" trigger, i knew where i'd end up. However, listening to Sarah's experience gave me the grace to go slowly and to test the waters before making my final decision.

As i slowly came out to more and more people, i was overwhelmingly accepted. Yes, i had been terrified about being public in the past, but i'd reached the point where my need to be Laura was becoming stronger than my fear. the love from my friends and neighbors became the final data points that made the decision easy.

Stay.

Now, i'd already sold one of my rentals, just in case my decision went the other way, but i had no regrets. I simply paid off my present mortgage and bought a coming out present for myself (the Tesla.) No regrets.

Now, one hasn't finished their transition just because they've gone 24/7. Full-time is simply one more step on the thousand mile journey, of which i'm about half way. Transition is like puberty. It can't be rushed because it's as much a mental transformation as it is physical. I figure i have at least two more years left before i'm finished.

However, despite living Laura 24/7, troubles were on the horizon. My long-term dream to be part of our tennis club's Women's Interleague team was about to be realized. I was blessed that Yeng found me to become my partner, after urging by other her husband and my single's partner. Together, we became both a strong team, but close friends. I feel blessed by her friendship.

Unfortunately, hate also reared its ugly head, as many women began gossiping and lobbying behind my back, all because I'm transgender. I'd been warned that the "Mean Girls" would make life miserable, as they do every year, so i've become this year's target.

Their efforts had a heavy toll on me, as my absence here attests. While several people intervened on my behalf to counter the hate, my guilt that people would feel the need to defend me also contributed to my sadness.

My current tennis coach, whom i only knew because my partner takes lessons from him, was one of my defenders. The Mean Girls urged him to stop giving lessons to my partner and offered to pay him more if he didn't become my coach....When they tried to recruit him when they were plotting a revolt to leave the team, he pushed back hard and told them he wouldn't coach them anymore. (This opened up a space for my lessons, which are after my partner's lessons on Thursday mornings.) Together, we're both improving as players.

So, as Danielle has urged, i will both ignore the haters and appreciate those who have stood by my side, for those are true friends.

And we all need more of those.

Onward.

Laura

[Donica]

Hi @LauraE! Nice to meet you! I have to agree with Danielle here, "So, as Danielle has urged, I will both ignore the haters and appreciate those who have stood by my side, for those are true friends.". As I too had done thus far. I too have stayed in my hometown in SoCal where I've transitioned.

I have managed to keep in touch with all but a small handful of pre-transition friends and have made quite a few new friends along the way. We are all reluctant to come out as our true selves to one degree or another. It really depends on how excepting your community is, and only you can make that assessment.

My coming out turned out to be a big non-event, kind of a letdown even, as many of us may attest to. Most folks don't care and are far busier with their own lives to take much notice. It hasn't been all pleasant though. There will be those that believe it's their duty to inform those, or control those around you who you are, usually the less intelligent, and, the worst, family members ("We're family, so this doesn't apply to me.") attitude.

You can't let those folks get to you. It just means, it's time to move on. I'm glad you have decided to stay with the familiar. There's nothing wrong with a change of scenery either. Starting out fresh in a new city has its perks but can have its drawbacks too. Something Danielle said about going stealth in a new town can be just as stressful as coming out for the first time, you will always be spending the rest of your life hiding things from your past. A simple slip of the tongue in conversation, kinda thing.

Just another lady with wings.
Donica

[LauraE]

January 22, 2023

Thank you @Donica for sharing.

As I shared in my closing post, I'm happy with my decision to stay. There were severe consequences, as attested in my blog. For the first 16 months full time, not only did all my dreams come true, but so did all my nightmares.

Now, it would be easy to place the blame on the various narrow minded bigots both at my club and at the clubs my team visited, but that would be the easy way out.

You see, I'd lived another life for more than 65 years, and although I knew Laura was inside me, the habits I'd created became part of the problem. Only through the various complaints about me, and with Nora's mentoring, was I able to evolve into the type of woman I wanted to be. Oh, I'm not finished with my thousand mile journey, but I'm thankful in a way of the darkness I had to endure. Those events helped me learn about myself and the parts of <deadname> that had to change.

The last 18 months have been an exciting time, so I hope Laura continues to grow and accumulate friends.

We will see.

Laura

[Sarah B]

Hi Laura

Thank you for telling the us a brief story of yourself, I'm going to answer your questions so that you have some information to make that final decision.

1.  What motivated you to pick up and move to a new city?

The answer lies in my story called My Epiphany and you can read it here

2. Were you passable when you arrived there or did you encounter difficult situations when you were clocked?

I was able to pass immediately and I never had any problems in this regard

3. How did you decide where to move? What qualities did you look for in a new location?

I traveled from one big city to Sydney.  The reason Sydney was my final destination for the next 15 years of my life because it had the resources that I needed to ensure that I could live my life as a female.

4. Are you happy about your decision to leave your old home and <dead name> behind in order to finally be yourself full time?

I'm more than extremely happy, because I have achieved more in the last 35 years than I ever did before.  He died so that I could live.  My past memories are a part of who I am today.

Let us know what you decide to do.

Best wishes for the future
Sarah B
PS Sorry I should have read the rest of the post, before posting

[LauraE]

Thank you @Sarah B for sharing. I'm glad you found the best decision for you. Indeed, larger cities tend to be more progressive and have more resources.

Because I didn't pass, and still don't, I knew that any problems would follow me to a new city. Certainly, the primary advantage was that no one at the new city would have ever met <deadname>, which in itself was a bonus.

That so many women at the tennis club knew <deadname> was part of the problem. Now, three years after going full time, and with my continued evolution, those problems have gone away. it's been long enough that the new friends I'm making never knew <deadname> and have no desire to know about him. They accept me as I am.

it's been a long road for me, but the struggle was worth it. So was my decision to stay.

Again, thank you for sharing.

Laura

[Sarah B]

Hi Laura

Thank you for replying it was appreciated.

Long story short about me, being able to pass straight away, changing name. legal documents changed and going to work within 3 months.  Enabled me to live my life as a female.  Its been 33 years since surgery and 35 years since, I changed my life around.

I was never indecisive, meaning I never even thought about what I was going to do, in regards to what I wanted.  It was like I need HRT, so I got that within 1 month of arriving.  I needed two psychologists letters done in 15 months.  I needed surgery arranged, so an appointment was made for it to be done, within two years.  End result, I was able to function as any other female in society.

Reading all the stories, that are told on Susan's, I hear and feel the heartache as they tell their stories as they constantly change their minds on what they are going to do.  I jump for joy when I read their success stories.  Regardless of how they achieved it.

Your decision in what you have done and your happiness has put a smile to my face.  You have a lot more intestinal fortitude than I will ever have.

Best wishes for the future
Sarah B