Trans or not?

[Jeren]

Hi!

I'm new here and this is the first time I've really talked about possibly being trans gender so I'm sorry for being really awkward... I'm 20, biologically female and from Finland, and for the past year or so I've started to think that I might be transgender. But the biggest problem is that I cannot figure out if I really am or not. Like, should I have realized it sooner and when I was younger? How can I ever be sure about it? And I don't know why but I'm also really scared of finding out that I'm not, after all, which is weird and confusing. It's on my mind a lot and I managed to mention it to my psychiatrist (or psychologist? sorry don't know what to call her...) and she tried to get me into teraphy for it but the answer I got was that 'I don't need it'. And yeah, that was kinda hard to hear... So I don't know what to do since I'm really not ready to talk about it with my friends or family, and I hoped that maybe someone here could help me.

I don't know if I should start listing here all the things that make me think that I might be trans or not, so maybe I'll just first see if anyone thinks they can help me. Thanks!

[V M]

Hi Jeren 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

I think you will find several wonderful people here to help, but ultimately it is up to you to decide for yourself if you are transgender

Here's a few quick links that we ask everyone to read to help you along

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Hugs

V M

[Sno]

Hi Jeren, welcome.

There is no limit to when we should have realised. Ask me, at 4 decades and a bit, before I actually started questioning the family joke that I was 'such a girl in many ways'... And my answer so far, is far from what I was expecting.

Take your time, ask questions, try some stuff, talk here - see how you feel

Sno

[Peep]

The easiest way to figure it out is to experiment with things that are easily changed, like your presentation (clothes and hair and stuff) or you could try binding or packing (but remember that those aren't for everyone regardless of if they're trans or not because they can be so awkward or physically uncomfortable). It's okay to start off small and take steps in a direction that feels right to you. You don't have to know where you're heading before you start out.

[Ciara]

It's a great question Jeren. I continue to ask myself the same question regularly and always arrive at the same answer. Yes, I know I am trams but the one I can never fully answer is 'how trans am I?'. One day I can live with myself as I am but there are times that I want to shout out to the world that I really am a woman!!
I think the important thing is to find acceptance of who you are and learn to love what you find. You are not alone and you will find lots of friendship and support here.
Ciara.

[DawnOday]

Hi!

I'm new here and this is the first time I've really talked about possibly being trans gender so I'm sorry for being really awkward... I'm 20, biologically female and from Finland, and for the past year or so I've started to think that I might be transgender. But the biggest problem is that I cannot figure out if I really am or not. Like, should I have realized it sooner and when I was younger? How can I ever be sure about it? And I don't know why but I'm also really scared of finding out that I'm not, after all, which is weird and confusing. It's on my mind a lot and I managed to mention it to my psychiatrist (or psychologist? sorry don't know what to call her...) and she tried to get me into teraphy for it but the answer I got was that 'I don't need it'. And yeah, that was kinda hard to hear... So I don't know what to do since I'm really not ready to talk about it with my friends or family, and I hoped that maybe someone here could help me.

I don't know if I should start listing here all the things that make me think that I might be trans or not, so maybe I'll just first see if anyone thinks they can help me. Thanks!

I've known I was different from an early age. I've prayed, wished, made deals with the devil to be my true self. I've  let it destroy relationships, Made family mad at me. Still no matter the consequences. My head has not changed.  I think I now have a handle on how I became me, the secret one and I now believe I was pre-destined to be transgender. Speaking as a Dad, my advice is to continue to pursue yourself. Your parents have chosen the life they want to live. When it comes down to it. you have to please you. It's a razor's edge you will need to negotiate. One small slip up may end up influencing your life. Hopefully you will be lucky as I have and everyone that matters has been told and while not everyone will be behind me 100% there are enough to proceed. I would suggest writhing out a plan and and explanation for your parents and anyone else you feel needs to know.. What you hope to accomplish. Research everything you can get your hands on. Get therapy, make a copy to give to your therapist. Invite you loved ones to visit this site for re-enforcement and education. There is a forum for significant other and parents. Don't do it half way. Do it with confidence and conviction. Once they see you are serious, they may become more attuned to how you feel and give you support. As for the doctors, always get a second opinion. If you don't know if you are transgender or not you probably aren't. As you read through these forums you will find most are like me with a knowledge from and early age like 6 or 7 that we are definitely different and started crossdressing. I liked to play with the girls. I thought they were more fun and as I grew older and went to party's and such i tended to migrate to the women as they would talk about family, children and day to day life. Guys talked sports and cars, farts and body functions.  You do what you need to do to make that determination for yourself. Nobody can make the decision for you. Just be aware there is no road back if you decide to go down that road you really prefer being female.

I Google translated in Finnish I hope it did not insert garbage and is reasonably accurate
Olen tuntenut olin erilainen varhaisesta iästä alkaen. Olen rukoillut, halusi, tehty käsittelee paholaisen olemaan minun todellisen itsensä. Olen anna sen tuhota suhteita, Made perhe vihainen minulle. Vielä ei ole väliä seurauksia. Pääni ei ole muuttunut. Uskon nyt kahva miten minusta tuli minä, salainen ja olen nyt sitä mieltä, olin valmiiksi tarkoituksensa transsukupuolinen. Puhuminen kuin isä, minun neuvoni on jatkaa itse. Omat vanhemmat ovat valinneet elämää he haluavat elää. Kun se tulee alas se. sinun täytyy miellyttää sinua. Se on veitsen terällä sinun tulee neuvotella. Yksi pieni kömmähdys voi päätyä vaikuttavat elämääsi. Toivottavasti onnekas koska olen ja kaikille, että asiat on kerrottu, ja vaikka kaikki eivät takanani 100% on tarpeeksi edetä. Ehdotan kiemurtelevan ulos suunnitelma ja ja selitys vanhempasi ja joku muu tuntuu tarvitsee tietää .. Mitä toivotte saavuttaa. Tutkimus kaikkea mitä voi saada käsiinsä. Hanki hoito, kopioi antaa oman terapeutin. Kutsuvat rakkaansa siirtyä sivustoon uudelleen täytäntöönpanoa ja koulutus. On foorumi muita huomattavia ja vanhempia. Älä tee sitä puolitiehen. Tee ottein ja vakaumus. Kun he näkevät olet vakavia, ne voivat tulla herkemmin mitä tunnet ja antaa tukea. Kuten lääkärit, aina saada toinen lausunto. Jos et tiedä, jos et transseksuaalit tai et luultavasti ole. Kun luet läpi näitä foorumeita löydät useimmat ovat kuin minua tietämystä ja varhaisessa iässä, kuten 6 tai 7, että olemme varmasti erilainen. Pidin pelata tyttöjen. Luulin niitä hauskempaa ja tulin vanhemmaksi ja meni puolueen ja niin i taipumus kulkeutua naisia, koska ne puhuvat perhe, lapset ja päivittäisessä elämässä. Guys puhui urheilu ja autoja, farts ja kehon toimintoja. Teet mitä sinun tarvitsee tehdä, jotta määrityksen itse. Kukaan ei voi tehdä päätöstä puolestasi. Muista, ei ole mitään tietä takaisin, jos päätät mennä tällä tiellä todella mieluummin on naisia.

[KathyLauren]

Like, should I have realized it sooner and when I was younger?

Don't ever question this.  There is no "should".  Yes, news media love to post stories of young kids who knew when they were five years old or something.  Good for them; I envy their clarity.  But that is not the norm.  You figure it out when you figure it out, and whatever age you are, that is okay.  I am only now figuring it all out, and I am 61 years old!

You will know if you are really trans when acting like you are makes you feel more comfortable.  These forums are a good place to experiment with that.  I posted here for about four months, just wondering if I might be trans.  By that time, I started to realize that I felt much better about myself when being trans was a possibility than I had when I was denying it.  That is when I realized that it was true.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. My guess is you are transgender or you wouldn't be asking. The problem is that many countries have different treatment standards and often they leave people suffering who would greatly benefit from treatment. Often this is because they have an outdated idea of what ->-bleeped-<- is. You may find you need to fight for the right to be treated or you may need to seek out private treatment. I have two links that my help with your understanding of yourself. The first is our WIKI where you will learn what the the word transgender means. The second link is "the transition channel" where you will be able to view a gender therapist and answer the questions that are asked in a normal therapy session. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have.

[Jeren]

Thank you for your replies!

The easiest way to figure it out is to experiment with things that are easily changed, like your presentation (clothes and hair and stuff) or you could try binding or packing

I have been binding pretty much regularly for maybe half a year now and now whenever I go out without wearing a binder I feel really uncomfortable and like I need to keep hiding my body. I also have short hair and have stopped wearing make up and shaving and all these things make me feel somehow better. Sometimes I do feel uncomfortable when other people can see these things like my hairy legs... And I dress mainly stereotypically masculine, have been for a while now and whenever I do, i feel a lot more comfortable. But one thing that confuses me is that when I think about transitioning I end up thinking that I might miss wearing skirts and having long hair. I know that there is no reason for guys not to be allowed to appear "feminine" but it still bothers me...

If  you don't know if you are transgender or not you probably aren't.

Hearing this kind of left me feeling troubled... What do you mean with this? So far everone has said the opposite, that if you even question your gender, you probably are transgender.

I also have times when I'm absolutely sure that I'm trans, but those moments don't last for longer than maybe a few minutes. Then I always go back to feeling unsure and start having doubts.

But reading all your replies and other discussions over here has made me feel a bit better, so thank you! I still have a long way to go but it feels good to have found a place that can help me even a little.

[Peep]

But one thing that confuses me is that when I think about transitioning I end up thinking that I might miss wearing skirts and having long hair. I know that there is no reason for guys not to be allowed to appear "feminine" but it still bothers me...

A lot of other trans guys say the same thing. I've actually kept a couple of my dresses (I never used to wear them because I felt stupid in them, but i owned some) just in case i feel like wearing them later on in transition when i'm more comfortable with my body. I also think about having long hair again - and when I was presenting as female I was always dying to have it short! I think I'll always fantasise about what I don't have. I think if I was on hormones, and passed as male more often, I would probably grow it out just to see what it's like. You've always got time - you don't have to choose between short hair and long hair and never go back. Likewise keeping those dresses doesn't mean I HAVE to wear them again some day if I never actually feel like it.

So far everone has said the opposite, that if you even question your gender, you probably are transgender.

I would agree with that - if you're questioning, you're at least probably not cis. You may not be 100% binary trans - but that's not a problem.

I don't know what your next steps are - if you're already basically presenting as male and can't come out. I don't think it's a good idea to start HRT until you're sure - but if you haven't already researched that and think that it's something that you might want, you could have a look at what it does online and it might help you decide. Forums are great to talk to people, but I also found youtube helpful as it's more visual and helped me to imagine what transitioning would be like. There are also a lot of guys on tumblr that have documented their transitions with photos

It's also sometimes a good thought exercise to imagine the opposite, and think about what it would be like to not transition - to stay the same or even to go backwards and stop binding etc. If it feels like a huge disappointment, that might be a sign...

[KarlMars]

I agree with the others who say if you have to question then you probably ARE.

[Jeren]

I don't know what your next steps are - if you're already basically presenting as male and can't come out. I don't think it's a good idea to start HRT until you're sure - but if you haven't already researched that and think that it's something that you might want, you could have a look at what it does online and it might help you decide. Forums are great to talk to people, but I also found youtube helpful as it's more visual and helped me to imagine what transitioning would be like. There are also a lot of guys on tumblr that have documented their transitions with photos

It's also sometimes a good thought exercise to imagine the opposite, and think about what it would be like to not transition - to stay the same or even to go backwards and stop binding etc. If it feels like a huge disappointment, that might be a sign...

I have actually read a lot about HRT and watched youtube videos and stuff over the past maybe half a year. There are some changes that I feel like I'd at least right now want, like lower voice, less round face and the different fat distribution, but also some things that kind of scare me... and I'm not 100% sure about those, either. One thing I'm pretty sure about is that I want to get top surgery. But I think that you have to get the diagnosis here to not have to pay for the whole thing yourself but I don't know if I'd be able to get it. And yeah, I know that it's best to take your time with all this but I just feel like I have to do something soon or I will lose my mind, like I need to change something but I'm not sure what...

And about thinking about what it would be like to not transition, I don't know if it means anything but like even the thought of thinking about it scares me. Like I'm afraid of what I might find if I do. I'm not sure if it's the thought of not transitioning or something else, don't know what, but I'm also not sure if I even can make myself think about it, at least for some reason right now I can't imagine it.

I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I'm trying to figure out my own thoughts and I haven't been able to talk about it ever before so it's still all confusing to me.

[Peep]

i suppose the only thing left to do is initiate gender therapy? i don't know how it works where you are but in the UK we have to ask for a referral from a GP and then you go on the waiting list for a specialist gender identity clinic. Even if you're not 100% sure what you want yet, the odds are that once you're on a waiting list you'll be waiting a while, so you'll have time to think about it. It's unlikely that you'll have to make a snap decision about anything. It's probably worth starting the process even if you're uncertain - helping you decide is what a (good) specialist should be aiming to do.

It's also usually possible to gain access to top surgery without having to be on hormones first, although it might take slightly longer to get a referral, again depending on the system where you live...

[DawnOday]

I tried to post earlier but the post is missing.

What do I mean? I can only speak for myself but I have always known I was different. I started crossdressing on a regular basis about 12 years old. By 17 it became apparent that I was trans but society at the time was so 20th century. So I married thinking I would get over it. I didn't and it ended my marriage after three years. I have come to realize through therapy that I sabotaged my marriage. Carrying that theme forward I have continued to this day as I do my utmost to make my current wife of 31 years to hate me. In spite of myself, she still loves me. I have never doubted. I've learned it may not be something I choose but was pre determined due to medical malpractice. But that does not make me any less trans. I am beginning HRT next month not necessarily for femme traits I will acquire, but more for the mental stability it will bring. If I were younger I would be addressing the dangly parts via srs, I would feminize my face, and may even spring for a breast implant. This all takes time. And Lot's of money. Time I no longer have due to my age.

[Deborah]

I was making my wife hate me too.  I think it was a byproduct of the stress and chronic depression that I had to bury all day long.  Then when I came home it would all get released in general unpleasantness and meanness with me sometimes going out of my way to mock her foreign accent.  I feel really bad about all that.

Now I feel like it is as it should have been all along.  Happy together.  Dysphoria robbed me of a lot of years, and more than that society's general attitude that made me bury it like an untreated festering sore. 

I'm glad that people in the future won't be forced without a choice to endure that unending ordeal.

[Jeren]

i suppose the only thing left to do is initiate gender therapy

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking, too. But as I said, I managed to finally mention it to my psychiatrist and she tried to get me into "sexual therapy" which I guess here also includes gerder. But the answer I got was that they didn't think that was something I needed... I'm not sure if they thought that my problem was with figuring out my sexuality because it was super difficult for me to even bring it up and I don't know if I was all that clear about it. Or it might have been that they first wanted to treat my depression and anxiety before starting any kind of therapy because I think she said something like that at some point. But I will try to bring it up again next week when I see her, we'll see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about how I would fit in as a guy lately. Whenever I think about other guys and that I would even make friends with them (I never have), it feels scary. I don't think I'd fit it, not that I ever really fit in as a girl, either, especially when I started to be more 'myself'. But thinking about this also makes me feel really unsure. Almost like, could I be 'one of them' if I don't feel like the others...? If I only think about myself, I feel more sure that I could be, but when I think about other guys, I'm not so sure anymore.

[kellykh]

There is a lot of variation among men. Don't try to think about it as trying to fit in "with the guys," but instead think about it as "what kind of guys would I fit in with?" Some guys are super-macho, some are more intellectual, some are quirky, etc. You can't expect yourself to fit in with everyone, because nobody does.

I've had to deal with that myself. I've never fit in with guys as a kid, even those who were geeky like me. One of my fears is how to fit in with women, since they've normally seen me as creepy. (Though I admit that my intense studying of how they flick their hair as a kid, or how their skirts swish as they walk has made me appear a bit creepy to them.) I've come to start thinking about what kind of women would I be more similar to, and that has helped.

[KarlMars]

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking, too. But as I said, I managed to finally mention it to my psychiatrist and she tried to get me into "sexual therapy" which I guess here also includes gerder. But the answer I got was that they didn't think that was something I needed... I'm not sure if they thought that my problem was with figuring out my sexuality because it was super difficult for me to even bring it up and I don't know if I was all that clear about it. Or it might have been that they first wanted to treat my depression and anxiety before starting any kind of therapy because I think she said something like that at some point. But I will try to bring it up again next week when I see her, we'll see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about how I would fit in as a guy lately. Whenever I think about other guys and that I would even make friends with them (I never have), it feels scary. I don't think I'd fit it, not that I ever really fit in as a girl, either, especially when I started to be more 'myself'. But thinking about this also makes me feel really unsure. Almost like, could I be 'one of them' if I don't feel like the others...? If I only think about myself, I feel more sure that I could be, but when I think about other guys, I'm not so sure anymore.

Try to meet other trans people in your area if you can. They will make the best friends with you because you will be sharing the same kind of life experiences. I have made many trans friends in real life through a support group. If there is a Unitarian Church in your area I would suggest you go there. They are allies of the trans alliance. Unitarian Universalism is for anyone of any creed or background. Look and see if you have a trans alliance in your area and transgendered facebook groups are good as well. I hope this helps.

[KarlMars]

There is a lot of variation among men. Don't try to think about it as trying to fit in "with the guys," but instead think about it as "what kind of guys would I fit in with?" Some guys are super-macho, some are more intellectual, some are quirky, etc. You can't expect yourself to fit in with everyone, because nobody does.

This is true. Good post.

[Peep]

I tried to post earlier but the post is missing.

What do I mean? I can only speak for myself but I have always known I was different. I started crossdressing on a regular basis about 12 years old. By 17 it became apparent that I was trans but society at the time was so 20th century. So I married thinking I would get over it. I didn't and it ended my marriage after three years. I have come to realize through therapy that I sabotaged my marriage. Carrying that theme forward I have continued to this day as I do my utmost to make my current wife of 31 years to hate me. In spite of myself, she still loves me. I have never doubted. I've learned it may not be something I choose but was pre determined due to medical malpractice. But that does not make me any less trans. I am beginning HRT next month not necessarily for femme traits I will acquire, but more for the mental stability it will bring. If I were younger I would be addressing the dangly parts via srs, I would feminize my face, and may even spring for a breast implant. This all takes time. And Lot's of money. Time I no longer have due to my age.

This is only one experience though, and there are actually a lot of people who are definitely trans but did not know it at a young age. It's important to remember that the standard movie story of a trans person is not universal.

I also agree that cis men are all quite different. I've got a cis boyfriend and a few cis brothers that don't fit in with the stereotypical 'manly men' groups, but there are other groups that they do fit with. Personally, i'd rather be in a mixed group anyway.

I don't know how the system works where you are but maybe your psych got confused about what you want? i sometimes think that when i talk about my gender to people they think I'm asking if they think that I'm trans, not saying that i am. Maybe you need to be more assertive next time? Does Finland have an equivalent of the UK's NHS or will you have to go private? If the doctors you're seeing at the moment block you again, it might be time to change to someone else