Miserable in the Closet

[sleepy_insomniac]

Hi, my name is Emrys Kyler. (My friends call me Ky.) And I'm stuck. At least, it feels like I'm stuck. I want to move forward with my transition — I'm a few months shy of 20 years old, and I want to get started on T, top surgery, a legal name change, etc. And I should be able to do that, but I can't. If I'm honest, I'm scared. I have yet to "come out" to my family (with the exception of my mother a couple years ago who ignored it entirely). I've told some friends who are supportive, but I'm nervous about what would happen at work. This is a relatively small town and I work with the public. I'd have to basically tell everyone in town. I don't know what to do or how to calm my anxiety about this and at the same time, my dysphoria is getting worse, telling me that it's time to go with my transition.

How did you guys/girls do it? Coming out, I mean? What were the results?


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[Elis]

I knew I was trans at 19 but it took until I was 21 to actually do anything about it because I was too scared. And that was the age were I finally hit the wall and had enough of being severely depressed and unhappy. I was still scared through the whole process but had no other choice. And I told my dad at 19 but he ignored it and I was too scared to do anything about me being trans.

I don't have advice apart from wait until you hit the wall yourself or better yet come out. From my experience people are a lot more understanding than you think (which includes the last place where I worked). For work I sent an email to my manager explaining that I'm trans and then we had a meeting discussing it. She was happy to finslly know why I never quite seemed happy. I took a week off work just to make it less awkward when my coworkers were told. For my dad (only have the one parent) i sent an email explaining how I felt in the past about my gender, how I feel now and my plans on what i was gonna do about transitioning; as well as including helpful links. I had and still do have to keep pushing him to understand but that's the same for all parents.

A year and a half later and I can't believe I'm actually thankful for putting myself through that terrifying coming out process. But you have to make sure you feel as mentally prepared as you're ever likely to get.

[sleepy_insomniac]

I knew I was trans at 19 but it took until I was 21 to actually do anything about it because I was too scared. And that was the age were I finally hit the wall and had enough of being severely depressed and unhappy. I was still scared through the whole process but had no other choice. And I told my dad at 19 but he ignored it and I was too scared to do anything about me being trans.

I don't have advice apart from wait until you hit the wall yourself or better yet come out. From my experience people are a lot more understanding than you think (which includes the last place where I worked). For work I sent an email to my manager explaining that I'm trans and then we had a meeting discussing it. She was happy to finslly know why I never quite seemed happy. I took a week off work just to make it less awkward when my coworkers were told. For my dad (only have the one parent) i sent an email explaining how I felt in the past about my gender, how I feel now and my plans on what i was gonna do about transitioning; as well as including helpful links. I had and still do have to keep pushing him to understand but that's the same for all parents.

A year and a half later and I can't believe I'm actually thankful for putting myself through that terrifying coming out process. But you have to make sure you feel as mentally prepared as you're ever likely to get.

I've known for a while now, and I think I'm at that wall. I'm just going to have to be brave and see where it takes me. (A lot easier said than done.)

Thanks for your reply. It's good to hear that things worked out for you, and maybe they will for me, too.


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[Obfuskatie]

When I first came out to my mom, I didn't just say, "I'm trans." And then explain it. I wasn't super clear and she misunderstood, because gender identity isn't something she was well versed in. She put me into an extremely awkward situation, thinking I just needed a male role model, and outting me to them when I was nowhere near ready to say the specific words out loud. I back pedaled and refused to explain or elaborate, then stewed on it for almost 5 months away in grad school.

So I came out again, this time saying everything, but slurring a bit because I used a bit too much liquid courage. I was an emotional wreck, and my mom still didn't understand exactly, but she knew I was certain, although she thought it was a phase. We talked more about it for about a week and she slowly started accepting it.

So then I told her the first few steps of my plan, she was really not happy with it, because she was still not convinced this wasn't a phase for me. That's when I stretched the truth and told her it was all completely reversible if I changed my mind within 6 months. So I finally got her grudging go ahead.

She still didn't fully realize how much happier I was after transitioning, until she spent a year with me on HRT, and saw me go back to the emotional mess I was for part of the two weeks off HRT before I did FFS. That's when she finally realized that HRT was the right fit for me and it clicked for her that I had become my often sullen and moody self because of puberty.

Don't give up on your mom just yet, she may just need a few reminders and a little proof before she believes and becomes your biggest ally like mine did. At least, before I met my boyfriend she was my biggest ally


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[popa910]

But you have to make sure you feel as mentally prepared as you're ever likely to get.

Please take this with a grain of salt, because I haven't yet really come out to anybody (I haven't yet figured out what I'd come out as ), with the exception of a very pro-LGBTQ+ friend.  I ended up telling her I was questioning my gender identity just because I felt like I had to tell someone, or else I'd go insane.

Anyways, here goes nothing.  With all due respect, I just want to contradict Elis a bit.  Just keep in mind that if you decide to wait until you're as prepared as possible, you may end up putting it off forever.  At some point, you'll likely just have to take the leap, and hope for the best.

[Elis]

Please take this with a grain of salt, because I haven't yet really come out to anybody (I haven't yet figured out what I'd come out as ), with the exception of a very pro-LGBTQ+ friend.  I ended up telling her I was questioning my gender identity just because I felt like I had to tell someone, or else I'd go insane.

Anyways, here goes nothing.  With all due respect, I just want to contradict Elis a bit.  Just keep in mind that if you decide to wait until you're as prepared as possible, you may end up putting it off forever.  At some point, you'll likely just have to take the leap, and hope for the best.

That's why I said as prepared as possible. You're never going to feel 100% prepared or ready; like you saud you're just going to have to take the leap and s*d the consequences.

[AnonyMs]

I'm still in the closet in most ways, but I've been on HRT a long time. I'm not sure that's possible with T.

[Chris Gothenburg]

Hi, my name is Emrys Kyler. (My friends call me Ky.) And I'm stuck. At least, it feels like I'm stuck. I want to move forward with my transition — I'm a few months shy of 20 years old, and I want to get started on T, top surgery, a legal name change, etc. And I should be able to do that, but I can't. If I'm honest, I'm scared. I have yet to "come out" to my family (with the exception of my mother a couple years ago who ignored it entirely). I've told some friends who are supportive, but I'm nervous about what would happen at work. This is a relatively small town and I work with the public. I'd have to basically tell everyone in town. I don't know what to do or how to calm my anxiety about this and at the same time, my dysphoria is getting worse, telling me that it's time to go with my transition.

How did you guys/girls do it? Coming out, I mean? What were the results?

Emrys,
I was stuck when i was in your age (48now), i tried to out myself in front of my mother but she reacted so cold and non understanding that I withdrawed my trial and we didn't talk about it again. I tried to bury it down being a brave man with a wife, job, and so on. I then decided to transition aged 45. I'm out at the job now, passing well, no issues.

I often cry about the wasted years and have huge difficulties to forgive myself that I was not brave enough to come out in my 20s. It was such a useless time I spent with a lie. Now times are different. You are quite young and have full potential to live and enjoy the life you wanted. Don't be irritated because of potential reactions of others. They don't live your life. The coming out is more or less an inevitable consequence of your inner pressure that will increase. But coming out in your 20s is much easier than in your 40s, when you are settled. Don't worry. you will find your bravery step by step. Start with your family, start with friends and sibblings. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. And go to the doctor starting some action.

I can imagine that a small town can be some kind of obstacle. But on the one hand trans-people are not that uncommon anymore and secondly you can still consider starting a new life in a bigger town. Just doing it alone without any support is not advisable. You should find supportive alliance in some people you like might be family or friends.

I tell you what happens when you come out: Nothing bad! People might be surprised. The better you explain your situation the better the others will understand. In your family there can be obstacles because it#s so comfortable for others not to change their minds and habits. But they will accomodate. And the few idiots that are around? You will manage this, I'm sure. I found the outing in front of my family and friends not so challenging. I was more afraid of the coming out at the job. I talked to my boss to make a plan how to come out at my department and after a small speech at a section meeting many people congratulated me. Looking back it was easieer that expected but the fear in front of was terrible.

[V]

How did I come out?
Well, as far as my family went, I sat down with my parents and told then straight up. My exact words were "I think I'm actually a woman".
My Dad took about 30 mins to get his head around it, and from then on he never ever once accidentally called me by my old name or old gender pronouns. My Dad is great.
My Mom on the other hand took it very badly. In fact she was unable to meet me or speak to me at all for 6 months. I just had to give her time, and eventually she accepted me. She later said it took her 6 months to mourn the loss of her eldest son (me), and 'replace' him with me in her head. She's fine now and we're closer than ever.
At work, it went very smoothly. At the time I worked for a very large company with over 20,000 employees. I told my HR department about my situation, and gave them a year's notice of my intending transition. They worked with me to educate and inform my co-workers about the whole transgender thing. There was a company newspaper, and when I transitioned, they did an article about me with a photo of the 'new me'. So then 20,000 people suddenly knew, everyone knew. And you know what? It all went very well. As long as you handle yourself well, and are confident, you should be fine. There is a lot more support and understanding of trans people these days. 16 years ago when I transitioned, it was still fairly new to most people.

If you really are sure it is something you need to do, then the earlier you can do it, the better. I wish I had had the courage and wherewithal to have come out when I was 20, rather than waiting for another 8 years.

[Jacqueline]

Emrys,
I was stuck when i was in your age (48now), i tried to out myself in front of my mother but she reacted so cold and non understanding that I withdrawed my trial and we didn't talk about it again. I tried to bury it down being a brave man with a wife, job, and so on. I then decided to transition aged 45. I'm out at the job now, passing well, no issues.

I often cry about the wasted years and have huge difficulties to forgive myself that I was not brave enough to come out in my 20s. It was such a useless time I spent with a lie. Now times are different. You are quite young and have full potential to live and enjoy the life you wanted. Don't be irritated because of potential reactions of others. They don't live your life. The coming out is more or less an inevitable consequence of your inner pressure that will increase. But coming out in your 20s is much easier than in your 40s, when you are settled. Don't worry. you will find your bravery step by step. Start with your family, start with friends and sibblings. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. And go to the doctor starting some action.

I can imagine that a small town can be some kind of obstacle. But on the one hand trans-people are not that uncommon anymore and secondly you can still consider starting a new life in a bigger town. Just doing it alone without any support is not advisable. You should find supportive alliance in some people you like might be family or friends.

I tell you what happens when you come out: Nothing bad! People might be surprised. The better you explain your situation the better the others will understand. In your family there can be obstacles because it#s so comfortable for others not to change their minds and habits. But they will accomodate. And the few idiots that are around? You will manage this, I'm sure. I found the outing in front of my family and friends not so challenging. I was more afraid of the coming out at the job. I talked to my boss to make a plan how to come out at my department and after a small speech at a section meeting many people congratulated me. Looking back it was easieer that expected but the fear in front of was terrible.

Sorry to interrupt this topic.

I would like to welcome Chris to the site.

Thanks for jumping in and sharing your experiences. I hope you find what you are looking for here.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Kylo]

In my case the results range from underwhelming to inconsequential. It's going to depend on the sort of people your family are, and their beliefs.

I couldn't come out in person, because I'm 300+ miles away from any of them. I'm not sure it would have made much of a difference how I told them. They'd have done their musing and discussing of it behind my back in any case. Because of that the reactions range from supportive to disinterested, and some consider it a confirmation of "lifelong weirdness". My mother reacted as if it was attention seeking. I dropped it with her since, and yet in the phone calls she brings it up more than I ever do. I guess they've accepted it as a fact of life, 3-4 years on.

[Elena1270]

I am sorry you are miserable in the closet. I guess we are all different. For me, right now, being in the closet is for the best. Its not terribly uncomfortable for me. Being a large person, I can hide some of the effects of HRT with loose fitting shirts. I am mostly focused on keeping shaved and eventually I want to start electrolysis to get rid of my facial hair. I am clean shaven most of the time anyway so that wont out me. My arms were shaved when they did an angiogram and I have kept them shaved ever since. Another words, I am taking baby steps in my transition. Its helping with my dysphoria.

[Katy]

I want to echo Elena's words.  The closet can be exactly the right place to be while you work out the details of the next chapter of your life.  And as far as I able to determine, there are a LOT of details with which one must contend.  Ultimately, this is mainly about you.  True, others will impacted to a degree but it still remains a very personal, private decision.  Safeguard your privacy.  It isn't something you can easily retrieve.

I certainly don't want to contradict the wise and thoughtful words of the other contributors to this thread.  They undoubtedly know far more than me.  Some are much farther down the road on this journey than I am.  However, I always think having another perspective is useful even if it tends to go against the grain.  My two pence worth...