The Importance of Living Out, Loud and Proud

[Janes Groove]

Why totally coming out, being out and total honesty is important in this thing of ours. Cosa Nostra.  Our thing:

I had an experience with my next door neighbor yesterday that weighed heavily on me last nite.  I had a restless, fitful sleep that ended in the middle of the night and I couldn't get back to sleep.

I thought he wanted to be my friend. He's 62 and knew me when I was hiding my identity as a false man.   But I came out to him last fall and as my transition has progressed I have become always more out.  I've been living full time since last Thanksgiving.   He's seen me in the yard and even in his house presenting female for months and months and months now, but he still kept calling me by my old male name.  I've helped him with a lot of his home improvement projects and was helping him again a couple of days ago. So I took the opportunity to tell him my name is Jane now. Later that day he called me by my old male name and I didn't notice at first.  Then he called me by my old male name again when I came over to help him the next day.  Also, he was talking on the phone with his niece and referred to me a few times as he.  So yesterday I told him straight out.

"Remember that story about Bruce Jenner who became Caitlyn Jenner. Well, I'm just like her.  I'm transgender. My name is Jane now. When my friends talk about me when I'm around I prefer they refer to me as she or her."  He said he was sorry and that it was a mistake and that it would take him awhile to get used to it. 

Later I said to him, "If you ever have any questions about any of this stuff that's going on with me just ask. I'm not shy and I won't get offended by anything you want to know."

He then said, "Oh. I don't want to know any of your business."

When I left he called me Jane but what he said really bothered me.  Today I realized that friends don't tell other friends  "I don't want to know your business."  The more I  thought about it the more I realized that even though all he said was, "I don't want to know any of your business," what I heard was "I think there's something wrong with you."

And that's why I believe one needs to know with each person in one's life whether they are an ally or not an ally.

Everything else is superfluous.  It's a simple equation.  Until one knows whether that person sitting at the table across from one is an ally or not an ally, one will be wasting time and energy on that person and walking on eggshells and wondering.   That's wasted time and we all know the importance of time in a transition. 

[Katy]

It is possible that your neighbor's comment, "Oh, I don't want to know any of your business," was an attempt to reassure you.  Some people view "not knowing your business" as a virtue.  Whether this is the situation here I can't say.  It doesn't seem like you are dealing with a hostile situation, just a case of someone who isn't very experienced in dealing with issues that are foreign to him.  Be patient. 

[Janes Groove]

I probably should have included the info that he's a wet drunk and spends most of his days drinking.  Some days he stays sober, but he told me he was once in AA for about 14 years. His wife and kids still are in contact but his wife left him last year and I hardly ever see his kids or grandkids around.  I really can't blame them.   Some days he's nice, some days he's a jerk. I actually feel kind of sorry for him.  He doesn't have any friends and watches TV all day and drinks.  If he continues on this trajectory it won't be pretty.  I told him I would go to an AA meeting with him any time he wanted but he still chooses to stay stuck.  And at this point I'm not sure I even want to care any more.

The problem I have with "Oh, I don't want to know any of your business," is that is that was the attitude of my parents when I told them I was gay back in the 90s.  It presses all my buttons on a very deep level.  I now realize that my gay identity was not really my true Identity either but a convenient stopping off place so I didn't have to fully deal with my gender issues. I'm not gay. I'm a straight trans woman. Maybe a  little bi curious.  But I digress.  Parental attitude was okay, we'll accept you but we don't want to know any of the details.  They are out of the picture now but they never ever asked me about my life or made any effort at all whatsoever to support me or be there for me emotionally.  I always kept the door open but they never walked through.  My mom actually abandoned me and my dad was okay, I'll accept you but I don't want to know any of the details.   My mom eventually came around to his attitude. That's very common in the gay community and many gay friends experience the same thing and see it as a way to de-legitimize their identity. Since straight people are always out and open about their details. Double standard.  I was actually thinking today that when friends or loved ones tell us that it's a form of abuse.

But, he's my next door neighbor and what can I do?  I never really sought out his friendship and he is the one who always initiates contact.

And I kind of agree about being patient. It's never good to be a war with a next door neighbor and the way I react going forward will color the way he views all trans people.  Possibly his grand kids someday.  Unfortunately we, our very small minority, are always and ever ambassadors to the cis world.

[Lady Sarah]

I wonder if it isn't time for the silent treatment. Things could go two ways that I can think of. He could ask "what's wrong?", Or he could just withdraw. Since he sought your friendship, the former seems more likely.

You know yourself and the neighbor better than anyone on the site. What do YOU think is the best way to handle it?

[Janes Groove]

Your 1st paragraph really kind of describes the pattern of the relationship.  Dealing with a drunk is a lot like dealing with a child.  In the past he has had difficulties dealing with the changing nature of our relationship, and I have had to give him time outs and cooling off periods till he finally gets that I am the sober one. I am the one who helps him do things he doesn't know how to do, etc.  But there is a saying in AA, you "carry the message, not the mess."  Growing up with a drunk for a mom I learned a long time ago the importance of boundaries with a drunk. 

But when you add the gender stuff into the equation it adds a whole new dimension.  It feels good that I have finally put that boundary out there that "I'm Jane now."  Period.  That changes a lot.  Transition as you know is about changing and redefining relationships, what works and what doesn't, losing old ones and finding new ones, and if someone gets in the way of that.  If the metric is ever the other person or my transition, it's an easy choice to make. My transition always comes first now.    Also, I was talking to one of my girlfriends today and she told me that he needs to understand that calling me by my old male name is actually unsafe for me now that I am living full time as a trans woman.

I don't want to get to a point where I make an enemy of him, but I don't see a lot of hope for real friendship anymore until he shows a real willingness to fully accept me as a woman, as my real self, without conditions.

But just knowing where I stand makes a huge difference for me and I feel a lot more comfortable walking around my own property presenting as a proud woman.

I guess I just kind of needed to vent more than anything.

[MsEmma]

Jane,
  I think you're spot-on when you said that knowing where people stand is important.  They're one of three options, as I see it:  #TeamJane;  #TeamAnti-Trans; or on-the-fence.  Then, once that's sorted, you figure out if you have the emotional bandwidth to be an educator to the on-the-fence/anti-trans folk.  Sometimes we do, sometimes not so much.

It sounds like your neighbor has more issues than Vogue so it's not unlikely that he is just so self-centered that he doesn't really care about you as a person - just as someone who can fix his stuff on occasion.  Given my very direct nature, I'd tell him upfront what I expect (correct name, correct pronouns, respect, etc) and then if he chooses to not do that, then I'd choose to remove a toxic person from my life.

Do you think he'd understand/appreciate the flyer that talks about why it's important not to misgender people?



Hugs,
Emma

[Janes Groove]

Thx Emma.

I love hashtag Team Jane. I've been thinking of it as the Jane Train.

I'm not sure he would get or take to heart what is in that list, but believe me if he wants to continue to see me and relate to me in any way whatsoever he will be hearing it.

Right after he said to me, "Oh. I don't want to know any of your business."  My first thought was, 'Oh honey, that's not happening.  And just for that you're going to get more details.  You're going to get 2 times extra details. You're going to end up getting so many details you're going to get sick and tired of getting details.'

Followed by the thought, 'Well now you're just not being honest.' I mean seriously.  How many cisgender people don't want to hear the details?   The honest truth is, they're crazy about details!  If the Jerry Springer show taught us anything it was certainly that!

Also, that list is amazing.  Just exactly what I needed to hear and have uppermost in my mind right now. I'm putting it on my refrigerator.