When Do You Disclose to Your Romantic/Sexual Date that You are Trans ?

[JenniferLopezgomez]

When do you disclose to your romantic/sexual date that you are trans ? This might be a relevant question for many members here, regardless of gender identification or sexual orientation.

I consider my transition to womanhood to be complete now. Few people in real life know I am trans. They treat me as beautiful Jennifer, sexy older lady. So far I haven't been able to get hold of 20 thousand dollars for GRS real vagina but still my transition is complete.

When I meet a new man online who is a potential future romantic/sexual date, I always disclose within the first 10 minutes or so of conversation that I am trans.

This avoids (1) time wasting for both of us and (2) avoids possible angry reaction against me by the man if and when we get intimate face to face.

I've read too many horror stories of trans ladies getting assaulted or even murdered dead by angry dates who were enraged to discover their trans female date didn't yet have a real vagina. In other words, pre-op.

When I go out in public shopping or otherwise, or at work meet new or existing clients or workers, I rarely disclose that I am trans. I much prefer in these cases to simply be viewed as a beautiful older lady and not have anyone detect that I am trans.

Dating, whether in originates in person or online, is one of my exceptions to this rule, for the reasons I have mentioned.

How do others here handle this aspect of your life ?

Hugs,
Jennifer xx

[Heita]

I'm still figuring out this one, because I don't pass and I am wary of those kind of guys who are heterosexual and thinking they are dealing with a woman, because I've heard stories of them saying "yes" to everything about accepting you and respecting your identity only in order to get some sex from what is a woman in their mind.
I surely check everyone lgbt-friendliness beforehand, regardless of my gender it's a prerequisite for a relationship.

[Lady Sarah]

Never mind the fact that a lot of guys do not want you to tell them anything they should be made aware of. I have always made it a point to tell them before a first date ever happened. Some could get violent over spending money on a meal, under false pretenses. If you tell them, they don't have that claim to make. If they reject you over it, nothing good could come of it. If they don't care, then you can be yourself, with no guilt trip.

[objectionyourhonour]

I'm still figuring out this one, because I don't pass and I am wary of those kind of guys who are heterosexual and thinking they are dealing with a woman, because I've heard stories of them saying "yes" to everything about accepting you and respecting your identity only in order to get some sex from what is a woman in their mind.
I surely check everyone lgbt-friendliness beforehand, regardless of my gender it's a prerequisite for a relationship.

Yep, this is exactly what I do, for the same reasons. Pretty common I think.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Never mind the fact that a lot of guys do not want you to tell them anything they should be made aware of. I have always made it a point to tell them before a first date ever happened. Some could get violent over spending money on a meal, under false pretenses. If you tell them, they don't have that claim to make. If they reject you over it, nothing good could come of it. If they don't care, then you can be yourself, with no guilt trip.

Exactly. +1 to your reputation for this post.

Hugs,
Jennifer xx

[Serenation]

Sadly laws like trans panic that exist most of America and some of Australia makes it worrying to tell people at all. I leave it as long as I feel comfortable doing so which generally meant when I was pre-op before getting into bed with someone. post op now so stealth sex would theoretically be very situational for me. Will cross that bridge if or when it happens, happily in a long term relationship now with someone that drove me to the hospital to get srs. It's nice to have at least one person I can talk to.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Sadly laws like trans panic that exist most of America and some of Australia makes it worrying to tell people at all. I leave it as long as I feel comfortable doing so which generally meant when I was pre-op before getting into bed with someone. post op now so steahtlth sex would theoretically be very situational for me. Will cross that bridge if or when it happens, happily in a long term relationship now with someone that drove me to the hospital to get srs. It's nice to have at least one person I can talk to.

yes I prefer also to tell few people Im trans...better to just be known as a woman as I am, rather than a trans woman with few exceptions in real life. online in trans groups I tell people I am trans, obviously.

Yeah, if post op, and a new lover, just go for stealth sex as you call it -- good description -- yeah that could be successful sometimes.

Jennifer xx

[Ms Grace]

I've only attempted two dates since transitioning to full time. Both were with women and one year ago - I met them via a match up website for lesbian women (where I did not disclose that I was trans) and they expressed interest in meeting up. I told them both at the point of organising the respective dates and I never heard from one of them after that, the second was still open to meeting up. We had one lunch together, I can't say that I really related to her... especially after she admitted an admiration for a certain well known racist Australian politician... meh, oh well! Anyway, it is still my intention to reveal prior to future dates, should I have any, as I don't want there to be any issues on the date itself. Better they reveal themselves as not interested in me for being trans before I get my hopes up.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

I've only attempted two dates since transitioning to full time. Both were with women and one year ago - I met them via a match up website for lesbian women (where I did not disclose that I was trans) and they expressed interest in meeting up. I told them both at the point of organising the respective dates and I never heard from one of them after that, the second was still open to meeting up. We had one lunch together, I can't say that I really related to her... especially after she admitted an admiration for a certain well known racist Australian politician... meh, oh well! Anyway, it is still my intention to reveal prior to future dates, should I have any, as I don't want there to be any issues on the date itself. Better they reveal themselves as not interested in me for being trans before I get my hopes up.

Hello Ms. Grace, I sure can sympathize about ditching the woman who admired whoever was that racist Australian politician as I have taken a strong anti-racist, anti-sexist, pro-LGBT stance in many online places.

I sure agree with you about it is better to not get one's hopes up or end up with wasted time and emotional effort.

I have had only ONE intimate sexual relationship with a cis woman since becoming JENNIFER --it was early in my transition -- she is a lesbian, and we remain friends even though both of us eventually moved to different countries. It was a great relationship, and she stayed at my house for up to a week at a time. Fantastic friendship, and I got to know her family members decently well, as well. She helped me immensely in my early transition stages in real life with stuff like makeup, shopping for clothes together, and so on. We met through an online LGBTI group that she used to run. She was younger than me by quite a bit.

She actually took the lead in the relationship as I tend to be more submissive in my intimate relationships.

I revealed to her that I am trans in our first or second online conversation. So therefore no time wasting or emotional let-down for each other. We sure clicked !!!

I have become almost totally hetero since then, and getting dates with MEN is pretty easy for me. Usually I get my dates online. In 2015 in Europe I had in person dates/sex with approximately 40 different nice men.

I have had only ONE real-life date/sexual encounter with a man in 2016. However, I have been very successful with online flirting while moving around somewhat. So, I now have several current offers to hook up with some nice men -- and some of those are from the country where I am currently.

A man I just met online in the last couple of days has offered later in the coming week to pay my round-trip return domestic airfare within the country I'm living in right now, and pay for us to stay in a hotel in his city next weekend or soon thereafter.

He says he wants HIMSELF to be my only lover, and I told him that I will commit to that until we meet in person after I fly to his city at his expense in the next weekend or two. And I further told him that if the chemistry is strong between us in real life, that I am willing to continue that commitment to him.

So, we will see if he in fact sends my airfare, and then how our hotel weekend goes together.

I told him I am trans, via Webcam video call, within the first 10 minutes of our conversation. He said that is fine. He seems to like the fact that I am pre-op full-time trans lady with real boobs and great hair and great skin.

I have had a stellar history in 2015 of turning online dates into real-world dates, so we will see what develops.

If not, a female friend (cis) wants to go to the beach with me next weekend. This is already a real-world friendship relationship, which started online. I've met many of her sisters at their house, also. This relationship is friendship and shopping together. She is rather stunningly beautiful, but nowadays I prefer nice MEN for my intimate sexual encounters.

Hugs,
Jennifer xx

[Jintie]

Good day I have completed my transition a long time ago and I say good look to you


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[WolfNightV4X1]

I feel like dating is always an absolute must to reveal your birth sex, but before you even bother to date someone I agree its important to check how LGBT friendly they are, that makes a world of difference in how they will react. Some might be like oh okay sorry not interested, others might be uncomfortable, and even others still might be disgusted and grossed out and worst case scenario violent.

Even for those who are friendly, everyone you dat is always going to need to know your birth sex beforehand, we're talking someone that may someday be intimate with you, so maybe they want to know that they can be attracted to you, bi or not.

I'm still relatively new as far as things go, Ive just started passing. What put me over the edge into "Im going to go fully transitioned one day" is that with my respective partners, previous and now, Ive found theyd love me no matter what, and I wouldnt have to worry about partnership as much. I would just be myself and people would care about me still, Ive been lucky to be graced with such an adoring and loving circle and community on and offline. This has been my biggest guidance as Im still progressing through this.

Im worried about the off-chance that my current partner wont always be my partner, but in the end Ive deemed that I can be carried on by my friendships as well, and being myself is far more important...and I find the concept of love being restricted only to romance to be silly, Ive never liked the idea that we value one concept of love in higher esteem than others.

[VeronicaLynn]

Being genderfluid and only attracted to women adds perhaps additional challenges to this. Revealing this in my profile and/or first message doesn't work out all that great as then what little replies I get tend to be just all about my gender, and there is a brief conversation about that, perhaps out of curiosity, but when I try to turn the conversation to something else, the replies stop...

Choosing one of the binary genders though has some issues also...I am not passable as a woman in person, with really heavy foundation and Photoshop, yes maybe, but then they are going to be disappointed on the first date...while I definitely could get some dates going the opposite way, just being a long haired guy and later revealing that I'm genderfluid, that just feels so wrong at this point, I can't bring myself to do it...

[Heita]

Speaking of challenges and online dating, there is a funny thing in my experience. When it comes to gender people messaged me with "what it means?" and when I explain and/or link wikipedia I have came across an answer like "oh ok, it's just your attitude".   

The other thing is about people completely ignoring gender and reading things like I don't want children. This thing prompted a few unrequested messages asking me to explain myself on that... Not to mention more "serious" people being ok with it because they don't want children "yet" or saying ok and asking me if I would like to adopt. 

[Drexy/Drex]

For me as a male it wouldn't  matter if i fell in love but then again i,m hmmm i like the term "genderfluid" i prefer chemistry

[karenpayneoregon]

I've learned from the mistakes of those who don't disclose they were formerly men prior to any attempts at dating. There are countless cases of transgender people going out on dates and don't disclose they are transgender be it prior or after surgery. Is it worth the chance of the transgender person being beaten or murdered? Absolutely not, one must understand that you, the transgender person has given a façade which no doubt will infuriate the person whom they had a sexual encounter with.

With that known I always disclose that I am a post-op female when appropriate e.g. talking to someone where there nothing is discussed in regards to possible dating. At the moment there is even a remote chance that dating enters the picture I use judicious timing to explain my background of having been born male and transitioned to female. If I have been approached by a cisgender person and it's readily apparent that they are looking to date I will immediately tell them of my background. At least twice after disclosing I was once male they shrugged and said it didn't matter while another time they were put off, had been watching me in a bar for a while (I could tell). After telling them they thanked me for my discloser and walked away and say they were unhappy. The key in my mind was I did tell them the full facts within say less than five minutes of them sitting down next to me. I did see this person later at the same bar, they actually waved hi and went on their way so I truly did the right thing by not allowing them to be lead on.

We need to be truthful when there is any chance of dating else transgender people will be ostracized where at this point in time we don't want to take steps backwards in society know when progress is being made. And it goes without saying, we don't want to be physically and mentally harmed in anyway because life tossed a curve ball at us in regards to being outside the norms in society.

In closing, I never even attempted to date presenting myself as female prior to surgery. just felt completely wrong for me yet know many are perfectly fine with that.
   

[Kylo]

I don't know when exactly I would because that would depend on the person involved and how it would be best to break this info to them. But early on before anything heavy definitely.

That's hypothetical for me. I have no intention of getting involved with anyone any time soon, after two long term relationships that have already pulled most of the stuffing out of me. It wouldn't be right to keep this information from someone who was interested in my sexual aspects, so I suppose at the cue they wanted something like that would be the ideal point to shatter their...assumptions.

[Amanda_Combs]

In this regard, I was kind of bitten by not understanding what trans* is.  My wife, whom I've been with for 8 years now.  I told her about a month into dating that I consider myself a girl.  So we talked for a bit.  And she tells me that I don't need to feel like less of a man because I like wearing makeup or wish I could give birth.  That was it at the time.  Now, years later once I realize that people can actually transition, and that I may need to, things have gotten difficult.  I just wish I had had the vocabulary to be clear about it back then.