I'm a 38 year old man living in the US and I might be transgendered. (That "might" almost feels like a cop-out, actually.)
I can list off a lot of the same symptoms that many TG folk have: never feeling right in my body, being repulsed by my gender's emotional and behavioral stereotypes, having strong feelings of dysphoria when I am feeling depressed, wearing women's clothes and makeup is comforting, etc. I've know I've felt like this for 25+ years, but this is the first time I have been able to talk about it. Previous times I've thought about it, my thoughts haven't gone much further than "wow, that would be weird, I barely know how to use my body, like a completely different body would be any better..." But, on 2 July, for some reason, I forced myself to really think about it: what if it is better? I found no logical reason for it not to be.
I've been in therapy for the better part of 13 years but I switched therapists a few months ago. I was starting to feel stuck in the same old tropes and thought patterns with my old therapist, so I found a new one. We've already opened up a lot of my discomfort about my body and my (recent) problems with sex, and I was able to admit to her that I have been thinking about this recently. We've had a couple sessions since and she is extremely supportive and excited to help me on this journey, but wants me to know this is a process not to rush.
My community outreach has been to join tumblr (at
http://formerly-me.tumblr.com, from where I have drawn some of this post). I wanted to find an older community than tumblr - and one more focused on the matter at hand - so here I am.
If you'll forgive a little TMI vulgarity, I want to talk about the best I ever had it.
About ten years ago, I was dating a woman who was the most supportive and understanding of my desire to dress as a woman. We ended up breaking up for entirely practical reasons that I was for some reason unwilling to overcome, but, when we were together, I felt more accepted than I had ever been. It started with sex. I put on her knickers and her skirt and felt sexier. She understood that, some days, that's how I wanted to be...and how I wanted to be made love to. I'd lie in bed, dressed, and she would lie behind me or on top of me and rub my back and my ass. She'd put on her strap-on and slide it underneath my skirt, resting it against my butt. She'd grind into me like that for a little bit, then she'd slide my knickers down and slide it inside me. I'd moan and sigh and...
Again, sorry to be graphic, but I need to acknowledge its truth: wearing women's clothes makes me feel sexier. It's not just simply that: I can explain why women's clothes make me feel sexier. Dressing as a woman and being treated as a woman made me feel better about myself and my body. Walking around her apartment in that skirt and those knickers, before we had sex, I was a better person. I felt calmer, more accepting, more understanding, more empathetic, more powerful. I understood the world in a different way and I understood more of it. I spoke less but said more. I felt more me than I ever had. Those clothes were a key to being the best version of myself I had (or have since) seen. Granted it's easy to be a better person in short doses (and with the promise of a reward of great sex), but I can't deny how much more at peace with the world I feel when I look, act, and am treated as a woman.
My identity, at this point, I feel is, well, drag king. I remembered that a few years ago, I was a bit obsessed with being Marlene Dietrich for Halloween. (I haven't dressed up for Halloween in 20 years.) I own the tux anyway. I'd just have to curl my hair and put on a little makeup. I thought about it more and I think that's where I am now: slightly masculine for a woman, dressing like a man for performative purposes.
All that being said, a couple days ago, I got to a point where I said to myself, "okay, I want to take hormones and present, but not transition." Hello?! That's pretty much all it is. So my head is in a weird place now.
Ah, this is probably long enough. Anyway, I look forward to talking to you all and hearing your stories. Furthermore, I live in NYC and would love to meet some trans women to learn about life. (And, to be frank, I want somebody to do my makeup. I want to see who I really am.)
Thank you for listening...
