Transitioning and relationships

[Anne Blake]

Greetings All, I am fairly new to the tg world and really appreciate the availability of this site. It is great to find so many folks that have already or are currently wrestling with the questions/issues showing up in my life. I am 68, married to a very supportive partner for almost 33 years and have been experiencing Anne to some degree for all of 1.5 years. I am transitioning from cis male to tgal, at least part time, where it will end up is yet to be determined. I currently have four types of relationships: wife, primary partner and friend and strongest supporter; tg world support groups, great inputs and growing into my larger social contact set; cis men, mostly old friends that seem to be having problems accepting me; cis women, either as SO's in the tg world or my older cis world friends. My question/problem is that my tg world contacts either tg or cis are beginning to far outnumber my cis world friends. I really appreciate having tg friends that I can share so much with, support me when I hurt and celebrate the magic of life at many opportunities.....but I have lost dear cis male friends that have been so much a part of my life for the past third of a century. I also find that while I can talk openly and evenly with my tg gal friends, talking with my cis gal friends is different than how they would talk with their cis friends, either male or female. It feels like I belong to a third gender and am related to as such. Coming to know Anne in my life is the most amazingly good thing that has happened in a long, long time and is beyond value. But the cost of long held social connections is emotionally expensive. Is this a common occurrence in this world and if so, do any of you have success stories of saving those friends? Do any or many of you sense this third gender that I have tried to describe?

[alex10]

I've lost some close cis friends due to my transition too. Many of them were people who I thought would be the most accepting, but I was wrong. Yeah I miss them sometimes, but I realise that if it was their decision to no longer be friends with me, and they wont even try to understand what transgender is, maybe they weren't as good of a friend as I thought. I try to remember the good times we had and move on. It might be worth directing your friends to a source of information like a leaflet aimed at the family and friends of transgender people, and give them time to process the change. Or you could write them a letter explaining that you're still the same person they've always known, and you don't want to lose them as a friend just because of your gender identity. But you shouldn't have to hide or compromise who you are just to keep them in your life, ultimately its your life you're living, not theirs. I can relate to feeling like I don't fit in with cis people sometimes also.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Anne,
  Alex did a great job, but I'll add my 2 cents. My son has a friend that he knew pre-transition and post transition. He said that the relationship cooled off a lot because he wasn't sure how to act. He was looking for cues from his friend that never seemed to come about. It was not that he wanted to get distant he said. Consider if your friends could use some guidance.
  I chose to do two things when I came out to friends and family. I told them to ask me the questions that were on their minds. My thinking being that inappropriate questions would not get answered (there haven't been many), but it would maybe prevent people from drifting away. When people are afraid to offend you by asking the "wrong" thing, they clam up and drift away. The second thing is that I told everyone that in no way did I want to be laughed at, but I wanted to have a sense of humor about things. I led the way with jokes about my situation in life. When they saw me laugh about things, they started teasing me in a good natured kind of way. Most people, I think, don't want to lose us. If they are too uncomfortable, they will.
   Lastly, keep talking to them. They are adjusting in a short time period compared to the time most trans people have to adjust. It can take time for people to make the changes they need to. It sounds like you have a great support system.
Moni

[Anne Blake]

Hello Alex and Moni,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I fully realize that my issues with my friends are not rare events and that all of us struggle with this. I like your ideas of continuing to keep the communication lines open and active. I also appreciate the reminder that they do not really want to lose the friendship either. While it is challenging to try to work through the chilly responses, perseverance will probably be the only way to recovering things too precious to lose.

Regards,
Anne