I've struggled my whole life. I'm 54 and 16 months sober. I started drugs at 10 and drinking at 13. Mental hospitals, foster homes, even prison before I was 18. By then I was a hard core alcoholic and drug addict. I lived a macho, (I'm male born), outlaw lifestyle and was always trying to prove I was man enough. But never felt I was and was always teased about being girly. I settled down after moving to Texas and worked in computers for years and didn't have to prove myself to often and usually got my ass kicked in bars when I did. I got married and had 2 kids who are now 19 and 23. When I got sober for good, finally!, last year I took AA very seriously and have stayed with it and and become very honest with myself. I also work with a therapist weekly to resolve my trauma issues. Through all of this I have begun to be honest with myself. Much of what I've read here rings very true. I remember always playing with the girls when I was very young and them dressing me up in their clothes and even sewing my own on my grandmothers sewing machine. I had a "boyfriend" in 4th grade until his mother broke us up. I just remember liking to "play house" with him and being the wife. I continued to cross dress my whole life and have owned a couple of extensive collections of clothing, shoes, makeup and breasts. Always thrown out in shame at some point. I always thought it was just a sexual fetish. My wife knew I cross dressed but always avoided the issue. I initially have come out as gay to my wife and AA groups. The AA groups have been unbelievably supportive. The wife not so much and we are divorcing. I've started shaving my legs, arms, pits and torso. When I shaved my armpits for the first time I knew for sure. I've never had such a freeing feeling in my life! Since then I can't stand letting any of it grow more than a few days. I can barely stand to look at my genitals now. My AA group girls invited me out with them to a girls night pool party and I had a blast. I don't think I've ever felt more "normal" or comfortable. They all have begun asking me if I've considered I'm really a woman. I've started telling them slowly that I think I am. Again, nothing but love and support from them. I know this has been long and rambling, but I'm finally ready to say once and for all that I am a woman. There, I said it.
Now what? I do plan to transition. My current therapist supports it, he just wants me to wait to make any major decisions like HRT or surgery until we finish our current course to be sure I'm thinking for myself and not my ghosts or demons from my past.
