How many years would it take...

[Semira]

...for you to come to the conclusion that you just can't do something that almost everyone else can do? I have had zero friendships in the past 15 years. I have had zero intimate encounters in the past 15 years. I have had zero meaningful connections to other human beings in the past 15 years. Of all the interactions I've had with people over those past 15 years, the only commonality is me. The logical conclusion is that I'm just not capable of engaging with people in a meaningful way. There's nothing to indicate to me that I'm ever not going to be alone.

I think I've heard all the platitudes by now. Hang in there, it'll get better! When, in another 15 years? Just be yourself! That's the main reason I'm alone to begin with. There's somebody for everyone! Tell that to the people that die alone and miserable. Anything I've ever done (including professional help) to try to make life less depressing has only made me feel worse.

At what point do I just accept how things are, give up, crawl into a hole and hope for a comet impact?

[AnonyMs]

It sounds like you're depressed, which unfortunately I'm quite familiar with. Depression clouds the mind and makes everything almost impossibly hard. And awful as it was, I didn't even realize just how bad I had it until after I got better.
The two major times I've had it the thing that got me out of it was making changes in my life, basically steps towards transition.

I've had therapy, and that helped me decide what to do, but it was the doing that made the difference. I don't think anything would have changed otherwise except I'd probably end up suicidal eventually. I'm kind of expecting the depression to come back again one day since as I'm still desperately trying to avoid transition. If it happens again I'll probably have to transition; I don't think its a battle I can win.

[Heita]

Semira, social skills can be learned. It's not that you are inherently flawed or unworthy, it's just that for one reason or another you are a baby beginner in the field of meaningful relationships. Don't beat yourself and don't aim for best friend / romance of a lifetime right away, even if you are understandably hungry for connections. Start little and appreciate the tiny connection over small chats, even 5 min a day can be a balm.

[Semira]

That's 15 years since I became an adult. If I haven't learned how to bond with people in 33 years then it is extraordinarily unlikely I'll pick up on it now. A lot of people think I exaggerate when I say zero, but zero is zero. How many people last this long and are still at zero? Even those scary basement dwelling never-leave-home types that are the butt of so many jokes often at least have one friend over the course of decades.

[Dena]

There are two types of personalities - introvert and extravert. I suspect you are like me and are an introvert. It means we  are uncomfortable in social environments and tend to avoid dealing with others as much as possible. The solution is to move out of our comfort zone. If you see a neighbor, open up a conversation with them over anything you can think of. Go places where you have no option other than to talk with people. In my case, I became involved in trap shooting where you spend two hours shooting at clay targets and the remainder of the day socializing. It's your option to remain in the basement or to go into the world were you might meet people you will really like.

[KathyLauren]

How many people last this long and are still at zero?

Well, me, for one.  I was 45 before I had a meaningful relationship.  I still have no close friends except my wife.

When I realized that I had to get off my butt and be the one to make it happen, I joined several groups doing things I valued.  The one that had the most impact was a hiking group.  There was lots of social interaction at weekly meetings, car-pooling to the trailhead, on the trail, at the destinations, and at special social events.  I didn't have any close friends, but lots of more casual friends, and a great many acquaintances.  And I met my (now) wife on top of a mountain on one of those hikes.

The key was that the activity was something that had meaning for me at a spiritual/emotional level.

[DawnOday]

...for you to come to the conclusion that you just can't do something that almost everyone else can do? I have had zero friendships in the past 15 years. I have had zero intimate encounters in the past 15 years. I have had zero meaningful connections to other human beings in the past 15 years. Of all the interactions I've had with people over those past 15 years, the only commonality is me. The logical conclusion is that I'm just not capable of engaging with people in a meaningful way. There's nothing to indicate to me that I'm ever not going to be alone.

I think I've heard all the platitudes by now. Hang in there, it'll get better! When, in another 15 years? Just be yourself! That's the main reason I'm alone to begin with. There's somebody for everyone! Tell that to the people that die alone and miserable. Anything I've ever done (including professional help) to try to make life less depressing has only made me feel worse.

At what point do I just accept how things are, give up, crawl into a hole and hope for a comet impact?

Are you the Count of Monte Christo? And sentenced to Elba? Take it from an introvert. Get out an make human contact. you will be glad you did. I was bitter like you and had no friends. Living that way only makes you feel worse. Good Luck with your quest. I hope you find happiness.

[Thea]

I know you don't like platitudes but things do change. I didn't have any friends all my adult life until my mid-fifties. That's when I changed jobs and something just snapped in my head. To this day, I still don't know why but I became willing to open myself up to this new group of total strangers. I still don't have many friends but the handful I have make all the difference in the world to my attitude.

[JLT1]

I was there.  From 1983 to 2002.  Oops, that's 19 years.  I gave up and started doing the things I  liked to do.  That was hard because I  didn't know what I  liked to do.  But, I found a few things.  Then I met other people who liked to do the same things.  Suddenly, I  had friends.  And a wife.  All of whom are now still with me, post transition. 

Hugs

Jen

[JoanneB]

I was the epitamy of the shy introvert engineer who couldn't talk or make conversation with anyone. This was aided by being a world class stutterer from an early age on. I'd have to say that over something like the past 40 years I've made no friends and have grown apart from all that I have had besides my wife. Whatever 'connections' I've made to others were fleeting. For whatever reason people come into my life and then vanish. You call, nothing back. Yet these same people would go on about talking to this person or that person they knew from 20 years ago. It gets discouraging really fast.

Even in the safe confines of my TG support group I am a mess. This past weekend was the annual group outing. I have passed on about every one because I am incapable of having fun. It's sad. I wish I could, just have no idea how to without a muse. In many ways I chalk it up to still having no clue as to who the real me is after decades of being an actor.

Early on in my career for some odd reason this shy introverted engineer got volunteered to go to trade shows to help work the booth and later to go on sales calls with the sales people. Talk about being out of your comfort zone! With small groups of people I know, I have plenty of anxiety. Groups of STRANGERS!!!! Forget about it. Still, I had no choice but to go.

One 'Talent' I honed thanks to being trans, is being a chameleon. I did a lot of blending in around guys to be accepted. I became a sort of actor. I could move between the geeks, the motor heads or whatever, aside from the jocks. Even I wasn't that good.

So when in 'Sales' do as the sales guys do. I sort of worked out a sales persona able to talk up the customer, figure out what they really needed vs wanted. Going into that 'Mode' helps. Still, like I said, no real friends, just people I talk to.

[HappyMoni]

Semira,
   I have no magic answers for you. I'm sorry. I do have a question for you. If you think you are putting people off, do you know why you do it? There must be a reason you do it. Is it fear? Do you fear being close? I certainly understand being shy. It is hard to deal with, I know. Even just on a friendship basis, what's the worst that would happen if someone got close? I am personally familiar with having a fear of failure causing me to not even try to do something. Do you feel like you sabotage things because you are afraid of failing? I am not trying to analyze you or anything, but these questions seem like things that would help you in figuring things out. Obviously, you want things to change or you wouldn't write this post.
Monica

[jujubes1986]

Semira, social skills can be learned. It's not that you are inherently flawed or unworthy, it's just that for one reason or another you are a baby beginner in the field of meaningful relationships. Don't beat yourself and don't aim for best friend / romance of a lifetime right away, even if you are understandably hungry for connections. Start little and appreciate the tiny connection over small chats, even 5 min a day can be a balm.

I love this advice... Thank you! I'll read this when I feel sad!

[Kylo]

...for you to come to the conclusion that you just can't do something that almost everyone else can do? I have had zero friendships in the past 15 years. I have had zero intimate encounters in the past 15 years. I have had zero meaningful connections to other human beings in the past 15 years. Of all the interactions I've had with people over those past 15 years, the only commonality is me. The logical conclusion is that I'm just not capable of engaging with people in a meaningful way. There's nothing to indicate to me that I'm ever not going to be alone.

I think I've heard all the platitudes by now. Hang in there, it'll get better! When, in another 15 years? Just be yourself! That's the main reason I'm alone to begin with. There's somebody for everyone! Tell that to the people that die alone and miserable. Anything I've ever done (including professional help) to try to make life less depressing has only made me feel worse.

At what point do I just accept how things are, give up, crawl into a hole and hope for a comet impact?

Have you done anything and everything to make sure you are just not capable of making meaningful relationships? If you haven't tried even the things you're not naturally inclined to try then it's not time to write yourself off, but it is time to ditch old habits and try something new. New activities, hobbies, join groups, go places, meet people. The only way to find out the answer to your question is to meet more people.

[Jean24]

...for you to come to the conclusion that you just can't do something that almost everyone else can do? I have had zero friendships in the past 15 years. I have had zero intimate encounters in the past 15 years. I have had zero meaningful connections to other human beings in the past 15 years. Of all the interactions I've had with people over those past 15 years, the only commonality is me. The logical conclusion is that I'm just not capable of engaging with people in a meaningful way. There's nothing to indicate to me that I'm ever not going to be alone.

I think I've heard all the platitudes by now. Hang in there, it'll get better! When, in another 15 years? Just be yourself! That's the main reason I'm alone to begin with. There's somebody for everyone! Tell that to the people that die alone and miserable. Anything I've ever done (including professional help) to try to make life less depressing has only made me feel worse.

At what point do I just accept how things are, give up, crawl into a hole and hope for a comet impact?

I'm 29 and I've never even come close to having an intimate encounter with anyone. It adds to dysphoria because I know if I were fully transitioned/cisgender (either sex) I wouldn't have missed out on the best years of my life. Eventually it helped to led me into a really bad place where I was crying every day for hours. I got tired of being upset because the constant emotional pain was overwhelming. I'm not sure what happened but I think I managed to repress it subconsciously to avoid lasting damage. I'm fine with that even if the therapists aren't, it's not like they ever helped me deal with it. To answer your question: I'll never accept this regardless of my state of mind. Luckily for me, biomedical science is on the doorstep of solving all of our transgender healthcare related issues, and I do mean ALL of them. It is also pushing for antiaging and age reversal procedures which have actually had clinical success. I don't think you should give up or accept it. If you can find a way to survive for the next 20 years, you will live to see all of this rectified.

[Lily Rose]

crawl into a hole and hope for a comet impact?

  i am in my 40s and trying to climb out of this hole, and have not been who i wanted to be since about 14-16. from the looks of your photo and what your age, maybe you can consider time well spent perfecting who you are. also i to feel these platitudes do not fit me after years of making an enemies of everyone i know. i have none and just hope to find a place with like minded people someday.

mid-fifties.

  wow we should all hope to look so good in our 50s i know i do. beautiful smile too!