Let me state for the sake of expediency that I have always been a poof.
An iron.
It was a disappointment to my father, i think, who was unable to understand me.
If he was confused by me I was absolutely dumfounded by him.
This has been my problem (well one of them) all my life. Where did I fit in. I wasn't a bloke obviously because I didn't feel the same. Until very recently I
have been confused by the world. Why did I look on men's bravado and just think "w4nker"?
Why did I never have the drives all my friends had? Why do I cry at love?
That said I never liked pink. It always struck me as a washed out red. I liked my colours bold and bright.
I envy the ones of us who knew what they wanted. Those who would dress up in their sisters or mother's clothes and instantly feel where they belonged, to me, are blessed.
I always just wanted to be a girl. Dressing up would have felt like a sham. To me it would have been playing at what I took to be the most serious thing in my life. Now I feel differently and realise it could have been a release for me.
I always identified as bi or gay. Not because I felt that way but because I couldn't think what else I was.
In reality when I have thought of a sex (even from my earliest days) I have always identified as the female.
There was a model in Mayfair magazine when I was younger called Lisollette lindstrom (I think).
The set they had of her was in lovely coral satin lingerie. When I think back did I want to have sex with her. Not in the least. To change places with her, now that is more like it.
So here at 50 something, and after a life of drug abuse, nervous breakdowns and confusion I read of gender. Suddenly I realise what I am.
Now, online at least, I have
changed my name to Charlotte Carter. Carter is a family name and Charlotte is a name I've always liked.
I picked the name and now am trying to grow into it.
I wear stockings and am trying to be more androgynous. Although clothes and outward appearance aren't my prime concern. They are only the means to getting the world to accept me as a woman.
Most people that know me probably subconsciously do anyway but it would be better if the whole world did.
Would I go for surgery? I doubt it. At 55 my days of sexual romping with myriad partners are over and there are other activities that don't need me to have female genitalia so probably I wouldn't bother. It would be nice to be fully how I identify I suppose but it wouldn't be the end all and be all of it.
I would do the hormones though so that I could be more fully female. Yes I'd definitely do that. And the clothes and the make up.
So that's me pretty much.
If anyone reads this please
excuse my confusion and not really understanding myself but it's who I am.
Still stumbling between the immensities.
