I've got some of my items into my apartment still waiting to move in and things are going slower then i wanted but they are working out. (Heck i was very happy filled with hope for a couple days) I don't feel very happy at the moment though i have so many problems with family it's at the point where i don't think they'd abandon me but when things hit the fan for my own sake i may abandon them. I was told not long ago by my parents "We'll try" Two seconds after not even that, they told me "We'll probably never get used to your pronouns" (Like always) And then it proceeded and my mother told me i was a girl and that i basically chose to be a boy instead. There denial is getting old quickly i know things take time but iv'e dealt with comments like this my entire childhood and i am NOT doing it again it's been a year already shouldn't something be understood? They make me mad, mad at them mad at the entire world my anger even comes out on people and people who are not involved with this or don't know what's going on, could be stress i don't have a clue. I never really got along with my mother and even before i new i was thinking about someday up and leaving but now that i know i am transgender it made me realize it hurts like hell to think that the family who always tells me they accept me don't even want to try and truly accept me they just say the words so the world doesn't seem them as bad people its nothing about trying to accept me in the end there trying to accept them and their mistakes more then who there child is and it feels like because i am transgender they think it's their faults. (not sure it's just what i suspect)
Before when things went wrong i would always feel sad and frustrated and now its just braking apart altogether.
In the end i don't want to lose my family, i love my family and i wish we could get along i know that besides the transgender things there are other problems that didn't help this situation but it still sucks i don't want to lose anyone! I wish there was a button so i could fix it sometimes. I'm actually getting scared that when i am on T when i am living alone when i really start hitting the "This is actually starting transition, it is real" part then nobody's going to be able to cope and with their lack of understanding it'll probably end up a disaster when it comes to acceptance.
Maybe i'm just assuming but i do know my family more then anyone i lived her all my life iv'e dealt with their ways of handling things sense i was a kid i don't know how to trust it'll work out because i don't trust it when my entire life i was told to be a girl and to do girl things, and when i did do boy things i was always pressured to do more girl things.
I'm not happy not like this even if i do transition at that point in time what happens next? i lose family? i don't have many people as it is no friends not any friends near me anyways. I feel freaked out angry and not so depressed anymore just done over it and i needed to write this but have no clue if anyone can even help at this point.
