My transition is proceeding. It still looks like I'll be full time, with most or all IDs changed by the end of the year. I spoke with HR a few weeks ago and spoke to my boss last week, and it looks like things are going reasonably well. My boss is supportive and is talking with his boss and HR about training (for appropriate behavior with trans people) and coming out to the 100-odd people I deal with on a regular basis at the company. My boss said he'd already guessed that I was transitioning -- my getting rid of my beard and then getting my ears pierced were clues for him, and he said he's been seeing TransParent. Still waiting for the court to process my name change.
Meanwhile, I am going crazy. I am utterly stressed out. I've been waking up at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m., not able to sleep. I can't focus, I feel like my life is going off the rails, out of control. I feel like I cannot manage all the things I have to do with transition and my daily life. Sometimes I clench my fists or bite my fingers to distract myself from it. I got my psychiatrist to prescribe a different anti-depressant (Lexapro), which has taken the edge off of the stress at night, but it doesn't help during the day. He prescribed Xanax to use as needed, but you're not supposed to drive if you take it and I have to drive almost every day -- 2x per week to my therapist, plus driving my kids around. I feel emotionally unavailable for my kids, which bothers me. And it's affected my work, which really bothers me, since it's been the only area of my life where I could unambiguously feel good about myself.
Is this typical for this point in transition? Is there reason to hope things will settle down once I've been living full time as me for a while?
