The Protective Veneer

[worthless]

I'm probably like many here.  My story has probably been told a million times before on this forum. 

I'm in my mid-50's.  Outwardly I'm a chunky, hairy, hideous man. 

After being mercilessly bullied in my childhood, I've built a protective veneer of bullet-proof male machismo to protect me.  Surely if I was the "uber male" I would be safe...  and by and large I am now. 

I am a combat veteran that filled a reconnaissance role, going out far in advance of the main force to find and fix the enemy's locations.  I have a beautiful wife and five children.  I'm the biker type - complete with the road leathers and the beautiful, big, loud Harley.  I can out drink and out fight just about anyone out there...  except there's one big problem.  I'm not being true to myself. 

Inside, cowering behind those protective parapets of machismo is a scared little girl.  A little girl that used to hide away and try on my mom's or sisters' clothes - that currently still tries on his wife's clothes.  I secretly wear panties and if you strip off my socks I may even have painted my toe nails.

I walk through life looking at beautiful women in the grocery store or going about their day-to-day lives and I'm green with envy.  They walk along garbed in the gift that I want more than anything else; oblivious to how very blessed they are.  :: sigh ::

Yet here I sit... where I began my post - clothed in the shroud of a hideous, hairy, stocky man that is slowly growing older and older.  If there's any upside to growing older it's the fact that testosterone production has dwindled to the point that the doctor wants to put me on testosterone supplementation.  Except, I'm happy to be rid of the testosterone that's poisoned my body for the last half century.

So here's this silly little post.  I'm not really sure what I want out of it...  perhaps advice or in the very least some commiseration...

I've spent over a half century constructing this that is now my life and want nothing more than to tear it all down.  But I know I'll never be the little girl I want to be.  I know I'll never regain a dreamed of girlhood that instead was spent building this monstrous monument to maleness.  I know that it's almost impossible to erase the deleterious effects a half century of testosterone poisoning has had on my body.  I know that a lot of people have built their lives upon the foundation of mine - relying on the steady, solid guy that they think me to be.  I know I'm not selfish enough to allow my desires to trump their needs.  All my years in the military have deeply ingrained a respect for honor and duty and I could never abdicate those to pursue something which is probably unattainable.  I fear mocking and ridicule.  I fear failure.  I fear hurting the people I love.  I fear tearing down a lifetime of efforts to build things only to be left with nothing.  I fear walking the Earth a laughable facsimile of what I wish to be.  Mostly I just fear.

I also fear and am tired of being alone.  So here I am before you, with great trepidation - baring all which I have kept so meticulously, scrupulously hidden.

[Wanda Jane]

OMG! That is sooo my story too. I was fire department not military but much the same. I have come out though. My wife does want a divorce. I drank through my story though and have come out in AA and have wonderful support there. You might want to look for a support group in your area. It is amazing to be able to talk about this stuff face to face with others like us. I am going to a group in San Antonio, SAGA, tomorrow night for the first time and will reply here how it goes. I met another MTF who has transitioned in AA and she says it was worth it. She also is separated from her wife, so it is a lot to think about. I know I am much happier and free for having come out. Good luck in your own journey.

[Devlyn]

Hi worthalottome, four years between posts, you're not much of a talker, are you?    You are not alone in your feelings. Im going to give you the link to our veterans thread, Roll Call.   Give it a read if you get a chance.  See you around the site, hopefully not another four years from now! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[mszoey]

Sounds a lot like my story as well I hid behind a wall of masculinity as well I was also married with a son right down to the big diesel truck but in the end the only thing that has kept me alive was transitioning it is NEVER too late for you to be you ya you missed out on the first 50 years don't miss out on the last hopefully 50 years of your life.


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[worthless]

<snip> four years between posts, you're not much of a talker, are you?  </snip>

Well not on this topic.  There are a lot of times of self-doubt where I wonder if I'm not just nuts.  I'm not sure I've entirely come to terms with it.  Is anyone ever sure?

(BTW are all the safeguards to post really necessary?  I mean are there truly that many spam attacks?)

[zirconia]

I understand.

[Deborah]

The safeguards go away after you have posted enough.  I was Infantry, 11A5S, so your story is familiar.  You cannot go back and relive younger years.  But the way I look at it is that it's ok.  I still did great things for all those years and all those great things are mine.

As for what to do now, only you can decide.  I had to look at where I was and decide what it was that is attainable.  Being 20 years old again is not attainable.  But getting rid of the dysphoria and being happy instead of angry and wanting to die all the time is attainable. 

All those other things are certainly critical parts of the decision too.  But there is no one right path that you have to follow.  Maybe counseling is enough.  Maybe you just need HRT.  Maybe you need to go all the way.  But there is no way of knowing the answer unless you take a first step and begin to address the issue head on..

[worthless]

For me this is a huge step - just talking about my feelings here in a forum where I can be somewhat anonymous.  It has taken a very long time to even admit it openly to myself.  On another side note, I should say my younger brother (now sister) is transitioning currently.  I've seen what she's gone through with my family.  She's been ridiculed and ostracized.  My family is very traditional and religious - so that tells me what I'll face if I move forward on this.  :: sigh ::

[Deborah]

Well be sure to stay and keep talking.  There are a whole lot of us here with stories very similar to yours and talking about it will help you sort it all out in your mind.  :-)

[Phlox1]

Life usually allows us to make compromises so perhaps you can find a balance between manliness and the woman you think you would like to be.

Like you, I'm hairy and now showing some age, but I decided around the first of the year that I needed to do something.  Gender problems don't go away as we get older.  They usually get worse unless you take steps to deal with them.  I began HRT this past spring and feel so much better.  I feel like I can probably live the rest of my life presenting as a man, but secretly knowing I have some female inner feelings.  Yes, my boobs are growing and that's OK with me.  I often wish they would hurry up and grow faster.  But I'm happy living as I am right now.  My wife and I are still happily married and our gown children are fantastic.  It's not a perfect situation, however.  I'd still like to be one of those cute young girls with a fabulous body that I see out jogging every day.  But I could never look like that in a thousand years.  I have to accept that, and HRT allows me to feel good about myself just being me.  After having my body fueled by testosterone for so many years, I finally feel normal and hope I can stay on estrogen for the rest of my life.

You might have a similar option.  I feel that I am lucky and the Lord has blessed me by giving me this experience and one that was not so bad that I absolutely have to transition.  Yes, in some ways it is a curse, but in some ways I also consider it a blessing.  The vast majority of people never get to experience this. 

You should talk to a therapist and see what she has to say.  You might be surprised how things have a way of working out.

Best of luck to you and do keep us updated on how things go.

[worthless]

How does one even go about getting on HRT?  I mean you certainly don't walk into your GP and say 'Yo doc, gimme some estrogen!" do you?  I would be mortified to broach the subject with him.

[Phlox1]

You can try that approach but it probably won't get you anywhere.

Most of us begin by seeing a gender therapist.  If you live in a sizable city there should be at least one not too far away.  Plan on seeing her (or him, but most of us prefer a "her") multiple times and just talk over things.  I doubt you will find a therapist that would prescribe hormone therapy after a single visit.  They need to get to know you and learn the level and degree of your dysphoria.  They may suggest other options first, such as just cross-dressing as you currently do, but more often.  I saw my therapist for more than 2 years before she recommended a doctor and wrote my referral letter to begin hormone therapy.  She would have written it much sooner had I asked, but I wanted to try every other option first - hobbies and other distractions.  I didn't want to turn my life upside down all of a sudden.  I prefer the slow and cautious approach.  None worked in the long run.  This spring I began HRT.  I didn't know what to expect or how it might actually affect me.  I didn't expect it to result in my current state of non-transitioning, but that is where I currently am and so far it is working.  Life is good.

[Deborah]

It kind of depends.  The usual way is to go to a therapist or psychologist and get diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria.  They will then give you a referral letter for HRT.  Some doctors do not require the diagnosis and referral letter and will give you HRT under informed consent.  That is just you signing a form acknowledging the effects and risks.

Personally, I highly recommend the therapist first.  In finding one of those it's best to find one that has dealt with this before.  If you live in Georgia or within driving distance of Atlanta I can recommend a good one.

Also, depending on where you live, you may be able to do this through the VA.  If you are retired and have TRICARE I can talk about that.

For me, just speaking out loud to the therapist gave me huge relief.  It also reassured me that I wasn't simply Bat Sh*t crazy so I felt more sure with what to do after that.

Usually, you will need a minimum of three therapy sessions.  Some psychologists may require more.  There is no standard for how fast they have to make a diagnosis.

[KathyLauren]

How does one even go about getting on HRT?  I mean you certainly don't walk into your GP and say 'Yo doc, gimme some estrogen!" do you?  I would be mortified to broach the subject with him.

The "normal" route is defined by an international group called WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health).  You can find their Standards of Care online, and it is a good thing to know about them in case the professionals you encounter don't.

Not everyone follows them, and that is a good thing because it gives people a choice.  Some folks cannot handle the waiting periods and the "gatekeeping" defined in the standards.  But knowing the standards gives you an idea what to expect.

Before the therapist will write a letter recommending HRT, they are assessing your "readiness" for it.  Are there any unrelated mental health concerns that should be addressed first?  Do you actually have gender dysphoria?  Do you know what to expect under HRT?  Have you planned the social consequences?  Etc.

Most therapists are not M.D.s and cannot write a prescription for hormones.  The letter simply tells your doctor that you have been assessed according to the standards, and that, in their opinion, you are ready for HRT.  If your doctor feels competent to write a prescription, they may do so.  Or they may refer you to an endocrinologist. who is better trained to monitor your hormone levels.

There are similar standards when it comes to surgery.  Again, not everyone sticks to the standards.

[Deborah]

I had forgotten about WPATH.  Here is a download link. http://www.wpath.org/site_page.cfm?pk_association_webpage_menu=1351

[worthless]

Still SO many questions...  How does one find a therapist?  Is it covered by insurance?  Since my wife handles all the insurance stuff how do I handle that?  That whole deal seems like a mighty big step/risk for me at this point. 

I know I'm a spineless coward but I'd sooner face enemy fire again at this point than risk things yet.  At least until I get a little more comfortable with the notion.

I really wish I had a friend near by that I could confide in and practice being brave & talking openly with.  Anyone in the Everett WA area care to volunteer?  Maybe an understanding person that I could just hang out with.  Someone further along the trail that wouldn't mind taking me complete with all my trepidation and dumb questions under their wing.

[Deborah]

You can google LBGT organizations in your area.  Sometimes they have an online list of therapists and Drs.   You could also make a thread asking if anybody knows of one in that area.

I know what you mean about speaking to your wife.  I was terrified and let her believe I was a cross dressing gay man cruising the streets instead (I wasn't doing that).  I finally did tell her about 10 years ago when she was giving me such hell about it that my final two choices were suicide or talk.  Even then, I came very close to choosing suicide.

Once I told her everything though, things got much better and we are still married now for 33 years.

[KathyLauren]

Since my wife handles all the insurance stuff how do I handle that?  That whole deal seems like a mighty big step/risk for me at this point.

Yes, I can totally relate to that!  Some people were recommending that I see a therapist before talking to my wife, in order to plan my coming out.  Fine in theory, but in practice...?

Her: "Where are you going?"  Me: "Oh, nowhere."   Nope, not going to work.
or
Her: "Where are you going?"  Me: "Therapist."  Her: "Therapist?? What for???"  Me: "Um, I'll tell you in six months."  Nope.

So I faced the (very) hard reality that I had to tell her first.  Yikes!  There's no easy way, and the outcome can range from supportive to scary, with no way to predict it.  YMMV

Just know that, however you choose to handle it, we'll be here to support you.

[Anne Blake]

I can relate to so much of your story and I agree with most of the responders. Susan's Place can answer so many questions and is a great resource, it has helped me out a lot. A therapist has also been of great assistance to both my wife and myself. Our therapist has gone through this maze before and can really help the two of you grow from it all. It is not just are you trans or not, she can offer guidance on that but you need to find those answers. The big thing that ours offered us was to see the options, scope and bound the steps and take away so many of the fears of the unknown. The other resource that I would highly recommend is a local support group. They can be found through an internet search for either transgender or lgbt support groups in your area. This gives you the chance for some face time with folks that have been living similar stories and can offer all kinds of guidance, resources and support. Good luck and please keep in touch. Let us know how your story is unfolding.

Anne

[Gertrude]

Find a good gender therapist and go talk for a few months. That will help you decide. I understand where you're coming from. While I did 2 years of army rotc, I knew it wasn't for me. I don't do well with authority or as a friend told me, I don't prune well. I've come to think that it's because I reject society which represents authority because it would and does reject who and what I am. That said I took on the beard as I call it, like you and at past half a century I feel like I don't need it anymore. I've wasted most of my life being half a person and I feel like I've been a secret agent for 50 years and I am tired of the role. I hope you find peace with this.


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